Friday, April 27, 2012

Craigslist: I'd REALLY like to sell this ring.

Occasionally I write ads for my friends on Craigslist to try and get rid of their shit. However, I'm never content to just write a regular post. At some point I decided that, even better than selling the ring, maybe I'd write him a personal ad.

So, I did.

NOTE: I got permission to do this. I'm only a part-time asshole.

Avoid scams and fraud by dealing locally! Beware any deal involving Western Union, Moneygram, wire transfer, cashier check, money order, shipping, escrow, or any promise of transaction protection/certification/guarantee. More info

Engagement ring for sale. . .I need beer money. Best Offer? - $500 (Glen Burnie, MD)

Date: 2012-04-26, 10:52AM EDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

I have a ring for sale. You'll like it because it's pretty. Probably like your fiancée, if you're a dude.
Or, like you, if you're a girl! (Hey, I'm selling a ring, here. You can assume that means I'm available.)

I could tell you my sad tale of woe about everything that led up to me wanting to get rid of this symbolic circle of doom, but that's not really the kind of thing you tell people the first time you meet them. Just know that I really want to sell this ring.

Specifically, I want to sell YOU this ring, but I don't want to get scammed, ya dig?

So, that said. . .Local Pickup ONLY. (No exceptions. Not even if you're ridiculously hot.)

• The ring is a size 7. I think. You know who wasn't anywhere near a size 7? My manatee of an ex. ZING! No, just kidding. She was like a size 4, which is what I'm hoping you are if you're an attractive female, viewing my listing for this ring. Then when you, the attractive girl who is engaged, comes to pick up this ring from me, I can ogle you and you'll get the physical validation you've been seeking. It's a win-win for both of us!
• The ring is 14k gold or something. It's that "white" gold, even though that's totally a misnomer because it isn't white at all!
• F-G VS2-SI1 - That's the quality of the diamond. It could also be the model number of a fighter jet but then why would I sell it?! Are you kidding me?! I'd execute a precision strike on that brainless slutbag's love-den before going on to act out my fantasies as a modern day American action hero! America, man. Fuck yeah. 
Ok, ok, I'll be serious for a second since I am legitimately trying to get rid of this. F-G is the color, VS2-SI1 is the clarity for the two little diamonds, weighing 0.25 cts each. E/SI2 is for the center diamond, which is 0.66 cts.
• I have a paper from when the ring was appraised in February, 2011. The price I paid for the ring was $2500 and Dominion Jewelers appraised the actual worth at $5000. I'm entertaining almost all offers because I don't think you can put a price on the relief I'll feel once I've finally severed ties completely with that vapid troglodyte I once considered binding myself to for life.

Plus, I really need beer money. All this sadness isn't going away on its own.

Honestly, I was about to throw this ring into the ocean this weekend, but then I realized that the only way I was ever going to be free of its evil was to toss it into the fires of Mt. Doom. However, since I don't live in world with hobbits and ridiculously hot elves, and my name is not Frodo Baggins, I decided to post it on Craigslist instead. Think of this as a quest, if you will. Should you accept the burden of the ring, you'll save my life from the corruption and power it has over me. Also, you'll fuel my lifestyle as a highly functioning alcoholic. There's absolutely no downside!

If you're questioning the legitimacy of what I'm saying, I'm so eager to get rid of this ring that I'll meet you at a jewelry store and you can get the thing appraised yourself for peace of mind. Afterwards, if you're a dude, we'll go have a beer and celebrate your pending engagement to a woman that won't ruin your life!

If you're a woman, we'll go have a beer and celebrate that you are the proud owner of a diamond that will make your friends jealous. While we're drinking, I'll probably be so intensely charming that you might just beg me to give you the ring as a sign of our future intent to be wed. However, I was already duped once. I'm no sucker!

More likely is that we'll both descend into a state of drunkenness together. Eventually, after hours of fantastic conversation and casual flirting, you'll decide I'm a pretty good guy and you'll make it apparent that you wouldn't mind too much if I made a sloppy move on you even though you're engaged. However, because I'm not just a good guy - I'm a GREAT guy - I will ignore your clumsy, drunken advances and instead give you my number and put you in a cab to take you home.

The next day, you're going to be hung over and miserable, but my display of chivalry will stick with you. Eventually you'll do it. . .you'll send a "thank you for not taking advantage of me, even though I clearly wanted you to" text. You'll be impressed with whatever witty response I send you and a conversation will start. From there, it's a build-up of textual flirtation over the course of a few months before we somehow run into each other at a bar. We'll end up sleeping together as the culmination of months of unrecognized sexual tension. Don't worry, it will be worth it.

So, uh. . .I guess let me know if you're interested in this ring, OK?

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  • Location: Glen Burnie, MD
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2980254319

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Don't Fear the Fruity Beer

Hello, I like to drink beer.
As a female, I feel I am allowed to tell you this without being too embarrassed....

I love fruity beer.

I know I am not alone in this because I have many friends, both male AND female, that also like fruity beer. My beer might be a little more froo-froo than yours, just because it’s got strawberries in it, but I don’t really care. It’s fucking delicious.

If I happen to be browsing the beer aisle in my local liquor store(yes, here in Maryland, we have to purchase our booze at the liquor store, unless you are lucky enough to find a store with a special license) and I come across a beer I haven’t seen before, my interest is piqued. If it’s an IPA or a dark beer like a porter or stout, I instantly lose interest. I will try porters and stouts, but not in 6-pack form, ok? I just want to SAMPLE it. IPAs, on the other hand, I just don’t like. I may lose all right to call myself a Pacific Northwesterner when I say that, but it’s true.

If, however, it is a wheat beer or contains fruit in any way, shape or form, I will buy it. If the only fruit involved was that the brewer ate an apple on the day they brewed that beer, I would still buy it. That’s how much I love fruity beer.

So I’ve decided to showcase some of the fruity beers that I happen to enjoy, for your reading pleasure! Hooray beer!

It's like someone added a
lemon slice to your beer...
without charging $5 a pint!

Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy
I found this beer the other day and was very excited to try it. It was fabulous; the perfect summer beer. The base seems to be a light, citrusy wheat beer that is then combined with the perfect amount of lemon. It’s refreshing, but not pulpy and extremely easy to drink. When I think summer time BBQ, I think of this beer. I expect to consume more of this over the next few months...

21st Amendment Brewery’s Hell or High Watermelon
The first time I found this beer, I had to buy it. It was terrible. It took months to make it through the 6 cans and I pawned them off on unsuspecting friends when they visited. This week, I was given the question “blueberry or watermelon”? I said either was fine, not knowing it was in reference to beer. When a pack of Hell or High Watermelon appeared, I was a bit disappointed. I tried it anyway and was quite surprised to find that I liked it! This is a seasonal brew that is only available April through September, so it’s possible they changed it up between seasons. The first clue that it was different is that I wasn’t immediately disgusted by it when I sipped it. The watermelon flavor was lighter which also showed in the fact that the beer was no longer pink. The taste is mild and fruity, with a really nice creamy finish. This season’s is a win!

"Like a beer and a strawberry smoothie
had a delicious love child."

There is a fabulous, though expensive, bar in Fell’s Point Baltimore, MD that has an amazing selection of beers on tap, which is constantly changing. I usually order whatever fruity beer I can find on the list. On one visit, I was lucky enough to snag a glass of Fruli. It was seriously like a beer and a strawberry smoothie had a delicious love child. The beer was thick and rosy in color, like an actual smoothie, but was not heavy at all. It had a fresh, delicious strawberry taste with a very mild beer tone, maybe a little too fruity for some of you out there, but I loved it.
Samual Adam’s Blackberry Witbier
Blackberries are basically my favorite fruit ever, so throw that in beer and I am all about it. Plus, it’s made by a major brewery, so it tends to be readily available. As far as drinkability, the fruit flavor is good(frankly, it could have MORE blackberry flavor, but like I’s my favorite fruit so I’m a little biased) and the beer has a nice crisp finish with a hint of spice, thanks to the coriander and orange peel it’s also brewed with. 

I have Ruby here as a Christmas
ornament...I think that makes
me a true fan.

McMenamins Ruby
My favorite beer of all time, the Ruby is a raspberry ale. It’s got a fantastic raspberry flavor with a creamy finish that makes it taste like the beer was brewed with raspberries AND cream. Seriously, most of you reading this probably can’t get this beer....but if you ever make it out to the Pacific Northwest, seek out the nearest McMenamins and sit yourself down for some awesome beer and some cajun tots.

Gotta catch 'em all!

Rogue Ale’s Somer Orange Honey Ale
Being from Oregon, I had to include a beer from one of my favorite breweries of all time...Rogue Ales. This beer replaced my favorite Honey Orange Wheat a few years back. It’s not quite as good(which might have more to do with the fact that I just love wheat beers above and beyond all others), but is still quite tasty. The flavor is smooth, which just a hint of spice and citrus, plus it comes in an awesome Rogue bottle!

If you find a fruity beer and would like to share, please comment below! I am aware that there are many more fruity beers out there, all just begging for me to drink them. 

And don’t worry...

I’m up to the task.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Cinnamon Pumpkin Muffins

Pretty please with brown sugar and cinnamon on top?
Cinnamon Pumpkin Muffins
(makes 12)

1 cup all-purpose flour
½ cup flax seed
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp cinnamon

1 15-oz can pumpkin pie filling (unsweetened)
2 large eggs
½ cup packed brown sugar
¾ cup granulated sugar
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt

½ tsp cinnamon
1 tbsp brown sugar

Preheat the oven to 350F and grease muffin pan.

Stir together flour, flax seed, cinnamon and baking powder in a small bowl.

Mix together pumpkin, eggs, sugar, baking soda, and salt in a large bowl until smooth, then mix in flour mixture until just combined. Pour batter into greased muffin pan, filling each well about ¾ full.

Mix cinnamon and brown sugar together in the now empty flour bowl. Spinkle tops with cinnamon-sugar mixture.

Bake until puffed and golden brown, about 20 to 25 minutes.

Let cool and then eat!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Intro to Running

So, I kind of consider myself a runner...sometimes more than others. I will explain this vagueness with the backstory to my running career.

When I was little, I played little league. I started with t-ball and worked my way up to the Majors. I was usually the best base runner on the team. I was fast. I was a sprinter.

Eventually, I stopped sprinting and switched to sports that required little to no running.

During my junior year of track, a friend asked if I would run with her. She was tired of running with the hardcore people, who left her in the dust. I agreed and we started running together. At a track meet one afternoon, she asked me to fill in for her in the 1500m as she wanted to focus on just running her 3000m. Stupidly, I agreed.

It hurt like hell and I am sure my time was terrible, but I ran it. Afterwards, I went and threw the discus, my normal track event, and I threw farther than I ever had before. Suddenly, I was hooked.

We continued to run together and at the end of the school year, we promised that if one of us ran cross country in the fall, the other would too. I think she believed she would be the one forcing me into it....but it turned out the other way. I showed up for the first day of cross country practice and she was nowhere to be found. I showed up at her place of employment and practically dragged her kicking and screaming to daily doubles. We spent the rest of the season fighting over the position of ‘second fastest female’ on the team. The title of ‘first fastest’ went to a girl who eventually went on to run cross country at Stanford and was far faster and more hardcore than either of us ever intended to be. I made some awesome friends on that team and it cemented my love of running and training.

Somehow, I let my friend convince me that we should run a half marathon. After our track season was over, we continued to run together, hitting 30+ miles a week, our long runs consisting of 9 or 10 miles at a time.

A few weeks after we graduated from high school, we headed over to Eastern Oregon and ran the Pacific Crest Half Marathon. It was a nice, flat course and I ran it in 2:04:55, a time which I was quite proud of. After that, I never wanted to run for that long ever again.

This is not my idea of a good time.
In August, I headed to college and ran on the cross country team. I was probably the slowest person on the Division III team, but I wasn’t really there to compete. I just wanted to continue to enjoy running on a team.

Then winter hit. Have you ever spent a winter in Maine? It was hard enough to walk to class, let alone go for a run. Running sort of fell of my radar then, as I struggled just to walk from one building to another. Needless to say, I didn’t last long in Maine.

What? I really like beavers, ok?
I didn’t pick up running again until a few years later. I ran off and on for fitness. I never did much with it, until one of my old teammates moved to the same school as me. We started running together and eventually we did a 5K. Our school mascot was the Beavers, so I wore a beaver tail and our school colors, just for funsies.

After that, I ran off and on. Usually only when the weather was nice, and as soon as I got busy or the weather go crappy, I stopped. I guess you could call me a fair weather runner....

Now that I am running again though, I want to keep it up. I will never be one of those people that runs every single day, or looks like Jillian Michaels, but that's not why I do it. It makes me feel strong, like I can do anything I want. 

Including eat a bag of chocolate chips...because, hey, I went for a run today.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Edible Plants: A Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

I spent the weekend at the US Fish and Wildlife National Conservation Training Center in West Virginia. All West Virginia jokes aside, it was a good weekend, filled with networking and outdoor activities. We spent one afternoon getting a taste of various career paths within the Fish and Wildlife department. This meant going outside and getting to play!

One of the sessions that I did was a wild flower identification class. I really enjoyed it, even though I am not a plant person. Let me share with you why I don't consider myself a plant person. I kill plants. I have a black thumb. I had a cactus as a child that I killed, not because I over watered it, like every other person who kills cacti. No, I under watered the damn thing. I basically forgot that it was alive. That's why I'm bad with plants.

You think you'll survive off the wildlife?
Zombie squirrel says "think again".

Regardless, I think knowing about plants is really cool. Yeah, that makes me a nerd, but so what? When the zombie apocalypse comes and I survive on edible plants, who’ll be laughing then?

During the class I took a few pictures and decided I should share with all of you. That way, you too might have a chance at survival after the world ends.

Dutchman's Breeches gets it's name from the fact that
its flowers look like pants hanging on a clothesline. 
This makes me 'squee' at the adorableness.

This is called Dutchman’s Breeches. Like many spring ephemerals(ie. flowers that come up only for a short while in the spring), it was used as a blood thinner. In the early days, people thought that after spending the winter in your cabin, eating whatever potatoes and meat that you stored, your blood was thick and needed to be thinned. Thus, the first spring plants were thought to be blood thinners and were used to help clear out all the ick that accumulated in your body after sitting on your ass all winter. Actually, this flower might be toxic, so don’t actually eat it.

The next flower is an invasive, hiss. At least it's edible though. Feel free to eat away. The leaves taste mildly like garlic. Thankfully, I didn't taste any mustard or I would have spat it out immediately. Supposedly the leaves are good as greens in a spring salad and are best when young.

The photo here shows a clump of Ramps. Honestly the grammar involving the name of this plant confuses me to no end. Can there be a single Ramp? Is it Ramps or a clump of Ramps? I have no idea.

These are basically wild leeks. If you thought the Mustard Garlic was strong then you might not like these so much. You can eat the leaves, which have a STRONG garlic taste and the root, which is white and looks very similar to a small leek or thin onion bulb, is edible as well. Eat this to keep the vampires or other survivalists away.

Here is the Cut-leafed Toothwort, so named for it's leaves and the shape of it's roots. Apparently, back in the day, common medical thought was that if a plant looked like a part of the human body, that's what it was good for. Thus, toothwort was used for, you guessed it, teeth! This plant is related to horseradish and the root has a peppery flavor when eaten raw. I cannot verify this claim, as I only ate leaves during this particular class.
Finally, we have the Virginia Bluebell. As far as I know, it's not edible, so I'm just including it because it's pretty. I mean, this was a class in wild flower identification, so not everything was about stuff you can put in your mouth. Heh.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed my photos. Maybe next time you get off your fat ass and go outside, you can keep an eye out for some of these plants. Then you can impress your friends when you know the names of these plants. We all know impressing your friends is really the ultimate goal for learning anything.