Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Women Are Crazy.

It's time for round 2 of dating advice from me! 

This helpful advice is for the menfolks, as most of my advice is. Menfolk; bitches be crazy.

That’s it. That’s my advice.

I’m serious though, women are crazy. We are actually bat shit insane. Most of us though, are fairly good at hiding our insanity. It’s still there though, lurking beneath the surface....

For instance!

We like men who are assholes. I have no idea what it is about assholes, but damn. When some dude can’t even deign to give me the time of day, it gets me hot. It must be something about wanting what you can’t have or some bullshit like that. When men ignore me, it drives me wild. I’m actually only being a little sarcastic here because it’s true. Maybe not to that extent, but men who express interest but are then standoffish or run hot and cold tend to make me more interested than a guy who is all about me. Really, if a guy is all about me, I assume something is wrong with him because I’m crazy.

Yes, even the most self assured woman is secretly filled with self doubt. Anyone who is interested in us must be blind in one eye and really, really desperate and everyone knows desperation is not an attractive characteristic.

Yes, even the most beautiful of women
 can be ugly in the right light.
So the fact that we are really secretly filled with self doubt is another sign of our craziness. Some of this self doubt has to do with our physical appearance. We are extremely self conscious of our looks. I realize that I have attractive features and sometimes, if the lighting is just right, I can actually look ‘pretty’. 

When men tell me I am attractive, I assume the lighting is in that ‘just right’ state and they’ll eventually realize how unflattering the rest of the world looks on me.

I am also aware that most of this is in my head. I had a roommate who had long, curly hair that was absolutely gorgeous. Many days, she would complain about her hair. “Oh it’s all fluffy today!” she would cry. When I looked at her hair, it looked exactly the same as it always did to me; perfect. She would then spend the next hour alternately spraying, styling and gelling her hair, the end result being that it looked exactly the same to me.

Another example!

When we actually manage to get over our self doubt enough to land us a man, that’s when the real crazy sets in. If we allow ourselves to admit that we actually like someone enough that we want to keep them around, the most ridiculous, absolutely insane thought pops into our heads. 
It worked! Now he can never, ever leave meeeeeee!!!
Are you ready for this?

“Oh my god, he’s going to leave me, how can I get him to stay? I know, I’ll get pregnant!”

Yes, this is absolutely crazy. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t gone through the head of your significant other/friend/mother at some point in time. Just because women have this thought, doesn’t mean they act on it, but it’s still there. Most women realize how insane thoughts like that are....but I’m sure we can all agree that a few women actually manage to pull this off....

Really, we are all crazy. There’s no help for it. Men, there’s nothing you can do to combat the craziness, but you can be aware that it exists and be patient with us. When we are ready, we’ll share it with you...hopefully little by little, in small, manageable doses. Unless you get us drunk. Then you take matters into your own hands. Alcohol is a first class ticket on the crazy train! Hooray!

Beep beep, it's the crazy train!