Some things I hate about Facebook.

Ok, I’ll admit it. I am addicted to Facebook. Yeah, it’s a terrible affliction, but it’s not a habit I intend on kicking anytime soon.

So what if I know everything anyone has posted five minutes after it happened? It makes me feel like I am keeping in touch with them. So what if communication is not a one way street and instead of keeping in touch I am really just being a creepy stalker? At least I am not collecting hair and urine samples.

I’m not going to lie, one of the first things I do when I get up in the morning, is check Facebook. What? I have a lot of friends on the West Coast who post stuff after I go to bed and I have to catch up! Oh god, this sounds so pathetic...next comes the 80 cats and the episode of Hoarders, featuring me crying about people throwing out cat shit that I’ve saved for 20 years.

Regardless of my impending crazy cat lady future, I have a few things about Facebook I want to say. Every morning, I am greeted by the sort of stories from the same people. Here are a few examples of what I am talking about.

1. New mothers posting pictures of their new babies. Look, I’m happy for you, that you have started procreating and are proud of the life that you brought into the world, but posting 1000 pictures a day, of your hairless rug rat making the same face, is ridiculous. I seriously wake up to baby pictures on my news feed every day. And you know, I can adjust my news feed to not include these people, but someone else is just going to pop out a kid and I’ll have to block them. It’s like all these people are procreating like it’s their job...or like, a biological imperative or something. Assholes.

2. Some Generic Role in Society: This is What People Think I do. These are inevitably filled with inside jokes, and you know what, I usually don’t get them because I am not a belly dancer or a mathematician or a zookeeper or whatever the fuck is being posted.

Who wants to use the pumice stone on my bunions?

3. An update about the 5th coffee you drank today. Did it have cream? Did you drink it black? OH MY GOD I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT!

4. Music videos. If I wanted to know what you listened to, I would be your friend on last.fm or spotify.com or some sort of music sharing site. Really, I don’t need to know the 10 anthems you’ve selected for your workday and watch their associated videos. This is not youtube. Also, who sorts the goddamn mail while listening to Chris Brown? 5. Really happy, sun shine-y good morning messages. Like, hello world, I am alive and SO glad to be and I love each and every one of my glorious, amazing, beautiful face book friends, many of whom I have never met in real life.. And now the birds will come and help me get dressed and the squirrels will shave my legs for me, tra la la LA la.

Facebook is for sharing the cool things that are going on in your life, things that other people might want to know about. If nothing cool is going on in your life, then shut the hell up.