Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Energy Drinks: Now with more Aortic Shrapnel!

Some days, you just wake up in need of a caffeine buzz. Maybe you didn’t sleep well because you had something on your mind. Maybe you thought a red eye flight was a good idea and you were seated next to a screaming baby, so instead of sleeping you contemplated ways to kill yourself and everyone around you. Maybe, on your way home from work last night, you were pulled over and mistaken for a bank robber and you were taken to the local jail and thrown in a cell with Richard “Rapey” McPerson and he kept you up allllllll night. You know, with his snoring.

Meth in the workplace could lead to some serious
boosts in productivity!

Whatever the reason, you are exhausted. You need some way to make up the energy you lost from not sleeping. Meth is always an option, though it is probably frowned upon as an energy source in the work environment. If hardcore drugs aren’t an option, then you might find yourself turning to caffeine.

My preferred method of caffeine ingestion is coffee, but I know many people who don’t like coffee. They don’t like the taste, which I will admit, it took me many years to acquire a taste for. Now I drink it black. Yeah, I’m hardcore like that. Yeah, it has nothing to do with this blog, but I just wanted you to know, so shut the fuck up, this is my blog post.

Ok, maybe she's not 16, but I still get points for the level of trashy here.

Anyway, if you don’t like the taste of coffee and you are in serious need of a caffeine high, what are your options? Soda? No. You want a SERIOUS amount 

of caffeine, not a pansy, “I’m having a coke” amount of caffeine.

Energy drinks. Yeah, that’s where I am going with all of this. When normal methods of caffeine just aren’t enough, you turn to energy drinks. Unless you are a 16 year old girl and you think having a can of Rockstar in one hand makes you look cool. IT DOESNT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PRE-METH HEAD. “Yeah, I’m working on my trashy addictions at an early age.”

There are a variety of energy drinks out there, depending on your desired level of caffeine high.

Drink Name
mg of caffeine/fl. ounce
Caffeine Level
one cup of coffee
one cup of coffee
Full Throttle
one cup of coffee
one cup of coffee
Red Bull
one cup of coffee
Starbucks frappuchino in a logo cup so everyone knows you are cool enough to buy coffee from Starbucks
No Name, formerly Cocaine
Rocket Fuel
5 Hour Energy

I don't know who this Leon is, but I hope he
understands I like my burgers medium rare.
I’m going to get to my real point now. You might have noticed, through my well placed use of snide and/or sarcastic remarks, that I hate energy drinks. I think they are absolutely ridiculous. When I see teenagers walking down the street with giant cans of energy drink in their hands, I want to grab them by the ears and drag them to their homes and send them to their rooms. I realize that in my hate of energy drinks I have aged about 40 years, but I don’t care. I also realize, that as a coffee drinker, I might be a huge fucking hypocrite, but I still don’t care.
Watch out for aortic shrapnel! Someone could lose an eye.
Energy drinks are designed to give you energy in a time of need, when you are on low energy. If you are low on energy every day, then something is wrong. There is no section of the food pyramid for energy drinks, because they are NOT MEANT TO BE PART OF YOUR DAILY INTAKE OF FOOD.
You know, once upon a time, before I developed a caffeine tolerance, I would occasionally drink coffee just because it was humorous. I would buy a sugared up version of coffee and let the good times roll. I became extremely energetic and talked a mile a minute. It brought smiles to the faces of all around me, like when you get an 18 year old drunk for the first time.
Ultimately, I am a firm believer in the idea that energy drinks will make your heart explode. While that might be fun to watch, innocent bystanders could be hurt.
If you want to increase your energy level, try one of these helpful options:
Chicken puree, the foundation
of chicken nuggets. Yum.
1. Stop eating fast food. It's gross and completely empty as far as nutrients go. This means that, even though it's food, it's not really a good energy source for your body. Also, have you SEEN what that shit is made from?
2. Get off your lazy ass. Yeah. I said it. Exercise, while it burns up said energy, is also a great way to feel good and ENERGIZED. Weird, right? Do not use energy drinks to get you energized for a work out. Maybe if you were a professional athlete, but we all know you're not. So just get off your butt and go for a walk or something.
3. Eat fresh fruit. It's got like natural fruit sugars and stuff so it's easy for your body to turn that shit into energy. And you might even get a few vitamins into your system too!
4. Get into a normal sleep routine. I know it's hard, what with your weekend binge drinking and Thursday night D&D sessions that go until the wee hours of the morning, but just try. Being on a normal sleep schedule means you sleep better and feel more rested, thus, you feel less tired.
Those were my helpful hints for you! Hooray!
Did I mention I hate energy drinks?