Monday, February 13, 2012

The Screen Name Dilemma

So here you are, getting ready to explore your options for significant other, via the internet. You sign up for an online dating site and are immediately presented with a problem. What the hell should your screen name be? In all honesty, it’s one of the first things a potential future mate will see.

Let’s play a game.

I’ll give you two screen names. You pick which one you might actually choose to respond to, if you received a message from them. Note that these are actual screen names from a dating site.

Here’s the first set:
roastbeefboy6 OR

And another:
oneyoungbull OR

And one more:
Alexisbest OR

Now, let’s dissect some real, live screen names.

First, Fi11edWithPain. Wow. Now, I might be a bit biased, because I have seen the pictures that go along with this profile name, but can you say emo? I mean, maybe that’s what you are going for, but really? If I wanted to date someone covered in self inflicted wounds who cried after we had sex, I’d become a groupie for My Chemical Romance.

Ariana: At least you know he’s already comfortable with torture. Assume that if he chooses me as his future mate, I’ll make his life as terrible as possible so I can fulfill his wish every single day.

Next, dguy38. I’m sorry, when I see the letter ‘d’ in front of something, I automatically think ‘douche’. Yeah, like ‘dbag’. That’s exactly what I think of when I see this screen name. Try again, sir.

When I see this name, I don’t even notice the D. The thing that stands out to me is that he was born in 1938. He got his hands blown off in WWII, so what I want to know is who the hell taught him how to internet?! Also, if he wasn’t born in 38, and he’s actually 38 years old, what kind of idiot displays your current age in your profile name? It will change next year. Finally, if you’re going to lie about your age, why would you pick 38? Don’t you realize that women aren’t going to click on the profile that screams, “MALE PATTERN BALDNESS AND A SEVERE BEER GUT”?

johndoe123987. “Hello. I have about as much personality as a cadaver, so I named myself after an unidentified body in a morgue somewhere.”

A John Doe is what you’ll be after just 5 minutes in his presence. You were literally bored to death.

xyyzzz. *bangs head against keyboard*

He’s apparently a failure at everything, but especially geography. Everyone knows it’s spelled “Zzyzx”.

69badass. “All I want is sex and I happen to think I am really awesome at it”.

He’s so many badasses. No, like seriously, guys. This guy is the male equivalent of 69 Vin Diesels riding a dragon with a rocket launcher and shooting a Desert Eagle with his mouth. If this guy named a drink after himself, it would be “The Panty Dropper”. Oh, speaking of which, I guess I should try and collect the charred remains of my undergarments now.

J_Androgynous. “Yeah, I’m not really sure if I want to date men or women, so this sounds like a good in-between.”

My guess is that androgyny defines this person. His or her name is Jan. That would be enough for me.

catcity. If I was looking at female screen names, this would scream “CRAZY CAT LADY”. As a male screen name, it just confuses me.

He actually tried to get “scat-city” but even online dating sites don’t seem to like the deviants they are so likely to attract. Go figure.

jack2010_taco. Any scream name with a euphemism for vagina is a major turn-off and is extremely tacky. I’m looking at you, roastbeefboy6.

I’d instantly message both of these people based on their names alone. My hope is that at least one of them is actually made of the food they reference in their name. My message would read,
“I am bringing a knife, a fork, and a lot of fuckin’ hot sauce to the first of our many glorious nights together. Also, I am menstruating.”

KinkyRomantic. Again, having read through this user’s profile, I might be a bit biased. At least the name is up front because ‘Kinky’ is this user’s middle name. Or maybe first name. Without a last name. Porn star style.

The female equivalent to this username is KamiSutraSlut. So you get it, right? Her name is Kami and she’s a . . .

IsThisRealLife1. Although I support the use of an internet meme and pop culture reference, I feel like this one is particularly douche-y.

I don’t know why she hates this name. He’s simply following her instructions for how to suck less at online dating. He’s so nervous about not asking questions to his potential mate that he made his username into one. It doesn’t scream desperation at all.

luckhatesme. Um.....desperate much? I don’t want to hear about how unfair life has been to you, so either get your act together, or talk about something else.

Luck hates you, and so does everyone else. Go back to your mother’s basement and let her feed you some more Marie Calendar’s chicken pot pie while you jerk off to reruns of Dukes of Hazzard and play Minecraft.

wanghunglo. Classy. If I wanted to have a stranger from the internet talk to me about his dick, I’d go on Craigslist.

I don’t know what she’s talking about. Now this is a classy name. He’s referring to that classic kid’s song:
Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?
If this guy is replacing lyrics in this song so that “ears” are replaced with “wang”, I want to meet him. Mainly because I think that he’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records someday for Penis mobility and if there is a possible benefit for getting in his posse on the ground floor, I am there. Just imagine all the discounts for oil changes and two day old donuts. I will be living the dream.

Here are a few I actually like;

skrumtrelescent. It’s a made up word and it makes me giggle. Go ahead, say it aloud. It’s nonsensical and it stands out. It makes me pause and think about it a bit longer. That’s exactly what you want from a good screen name and a good online profile...the ability to stick in someone’s mind.

I think if you get trelescent over being “skrumed” on, the screen name of your potential internet date is the last thing you need to worry about.

LostInDC. It tells you where the user is, right off the bat and is slightly whimsical. It might also sound a bit lonely, but it does so without sounding completely desperate. It makes me want to help get this user un-lost, or maybe even just get lost with them. Awwwwwwwww!

Kristen thinks he’s lost. I think he’s a hobo with a hacksaw and he’s waiting to sweep you off your feet in the “they will soon be unattached to your body” sort of way.

harrisaurusrex. I’m sorry, but I am a sucker for dinosaur references. It tells me that the user who created this name can be silly and have fun, which is definitely something I look for in a significant other.

Chances are good that this guy has a debilitating fear of small rodents and babies. You want to believe his name is “Harris” and that this is some kind of fun word play but let’s be real. The only thing interesting about this guy is the fact that he does, in fact, like to dress up as a dinosaur when he meets his hooks ups from online dating sites.

Blahnanas. I find names with word play amusing. To me, it indicates a certain level of literacy and intelligence and it makes me smile. I feel that online dating has a have a little bit of light heartedness to it. If you take it too serious, you’re going to end up disappointed.

Anyone with “blah” in their name is already so boring that I can’t stand them. Also, they’re declaring some kind of love of bananas. Since I’m a female and I’m looking for someone who is interested in dating females, I’m not also looking for someone who promotes only the most phallic of fruits.

Ultimately, avoid blatant references to sex(DUH), money and how much of it you have, androgyny and/or generics. You want a name that stands out and conveys a little bit about you. It’s also appropriate to use and inside joke or nickname as it will give you something to talk about, if someone asks. Online dating is all about starting a conversation, so a good screen name is definitely a step in the right direction.