Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Here's to you, Chocolate!

Why, hello there unopened bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips! I know you were purchased with chocolate chip cookies or chocolate chunk brownies in mind, but that’s just too bad. Today, you are being used for other, less noble purposes. Today, I am eating you straight out of the bag. No, it’s not a special occasion or anything. It’s just another Tuesday.

Ok, maybe it’s not just another Tuesday, but I refuse to name the stupid holiday that is being celebrated today. Instead, I will turn to chocolate to make me feel better. Which begs the question, why chocolate?

Here’s a list of some of the health benefits of chocolate. Thanks google.com!

It contains serotonin, which acts as an anti-depressant.
It contains theobromine and caffeine, which act as stimulants.
It stimulates endorphin production, which produces a feeling of pleasure.
It contains about 8x more antioxidants than strawberries.
It can help lower blood pressure and cholesterol.
(Source: http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongnutrition/p/chocolate.htm)

Is it any wonder that women turn to chocolate? I mean, I’ve never met a man that can do all of those things for me.

A bag of chocolate can do everything a significant other could do for me and more:

Endorphins? Check.
Who needs sex to get those endorphins going? With chocolate, there’s no hassle. Guess who has to sleep in the wet spot tonight? No one, because I am sleeping alone, just me and my bag of chocolate.

Happiness? Check.
Chocolate gives me all the serotonin that I’m not getting from a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. Hooray!

Keeps me warm at night? Check.
Chocolate contains caffeine, which acts as a stimulant, gently increasing your heart rate and thus, potentially raising your body temperature. There’s not a lot of science to back that claim up, but for me, it’s definitely true. If anyone has ever seen me after three cups of coffee, I am sweaty and jittery and talking a mile a minute. The caffeine in chocolate doesn’t hit me quite so hard, but the effect is still there. Plus, chocolate helps me build fat cells to keep me nice and insulated, as well as single because I have gained 80000 pounds. Thanks, chocolate!

Makes me dinner? Check.
What? Ladies, don’t act like you’ve never eaten a dinner consisting solely of the sugar/fat category on the food pyramid.


Self esteem? Check.
When I walk into a room with my bag of chocolate, everyone is jealous. They all want a piece of my chocolate, but it’s mine, all mine.

Unconditional Love. Check.
My bag of chocolate loves me and thinks I am perfect in every way. It’s always there for me. It has to be, because it can’t drive. Thus, it can never leave me. Ever. Unless I eat it all.

Hey, you know what else chocolate can do for me? It can treat me like a lady. What do I mean by that? I mean chocolate will never raise a hand to me in anger.
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I’m looking at you, Chris Brown.

Chocolate is also not disguised as a healthy food option.
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Yeah, chocolate vs. salad. I’m going to go with the chocolate on this one. See, this is why I don’t eat salad. Please note that this is for THREE chocolate bars, each chocolate bar being a single serving.

Chocolate. Better than men, healthier than salad. And also, less abusive. This year, I’m giving my love to chocolate. Now...what do I get it for Valentine’s day?