Sunday, February 12, 2012

So I Hear You Want to Play Dungeons and Dragons

So, I can’t lie to anyone about it any longer. I play D&D.

 Dungeons and Dragons.

 It’s that game where you sit down with some friends that may or may not smell like 3 day old cheeseburgers (my group smells awesome, like fresh cheeseburgers), you get out your mechanical pencil, and you pretend to be a wizard. Or an elf! Or a wizard elf! Either way, you fight scary monsters and light shit on fire.
Fuck yeah. 

You’ve probably heard of D&D before. If you have, you’ll probably be in one of a few camps:

1.  You thought D&D was an acronym for something that involved bondage and underground fetish clubs.
I don't know where this came from. I don't want to know. 
Well, you were half right. Like any fantasy game, it’s not about the way your armor covers your character. It’s more about how the stats affect your score. This means that you can design the sexy cat-wizard-queen of your dreams in whatever leather fetish-wear you want. 

She won’t get a penalty to her mobility, either, so you can also pretend that she chases people around, beating the hell out of them with her Flail of Unquestionable Dominance. And yes, her cat-breasts do bounce up and down with each step. Make sure you roll play that part leaving no detail to the imagination.

2. You heard about D&D just once. Then you felt unclean and had to run to the bathroom to hold a socially awkward, glasses-bearing head inside a toilet bowl for at least 54 seconds while making grunting noises and beating your chest.

You may not have realized this, but those kids you made fun on in high school are forgiving. So forgiving, in fact, that they made and entire class and race that is playable just for you.  You’ll be playing a degenerate, drunken Orc Barbarian. The best part is that you don’t have to role play at all. You’re going to go to the tavern, get drunk, and start a fight. If people decide that they’re going to go into a dungeon, sit patiently while the adults talk and eventually run into scary monsters. Then you’ll get drunk and start a fight. It’s basically every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night for you in real life, so now it can be every Sunday night too. You might actually look forward to Sunday D&D nights more than the real bar fights because at least in the game you won’t lose any teeth.

3.  You always wanted to play but you were too ashamed to admit it to anyone. Maybe you were  invited to play once, but you were too scared to say yes. Instead you leveled comments about how it was “just too dorky” for you.
Ah, our lamb. Welcome to the flock. For you, beginner player, there is the rogue class. With this character, you can sneak right into a game and no one will see your awkwardness as you try to reconcile how awesome this role-playing game is with your preconceived notions. If you feel uncomfortable with role playing, the rogue is ready to disappear into the shadows at a moment’s notice, allowing you time to come to grips with the fact that you wasted so many of your years not playing this game. It’s ok. We understand.

I hope you recognized yourself in one of the categories below. If you did, I bet you’re pretty pumped to start bringing righteous fury to your unsuspecting foes. If you are, then you should check back again because I plan on telling you how you can start playing D&D soon. Like, SUPER soon.