Friday, April 27, 2012

Craigslist: I'd REALLY like to sell this ring.

Occasionally I write ads for my friends on Craigslist to try and get rid of their shit. However, I'm never content to just write a regular post. At some point I decided that, even better than selling the ring, maybe I'd write him a personal ad.

So, I did.

NOTE: I got permission to do this. I'm only a part-time asshole.

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Engagement ring for sale. . .I need beer money. Best Offer? - $500 (Glen Burnie, MD)

Date: 2012-04-26, 10:52AM EDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

I have a ring for sale. You'll like it because it's pretty. Probably like your fiancée, if you're a dude.
Or, like you, if you're a girl! (Hey, I'm selling a ring, here. You can assume that means I'm available.)

I could tell you my sad tale of woe about everything that led up to me wanting to get rid of this symbolic circle of doom, but that's not really the kind of thing you tell people the first time you meet them. Just know that I really want to sell this ring.

Specifically, I want to sell YOU this ring, but I don't want to get scammed, ya dig?

So, that said. . .Local Pickup ONLY. (No exceptions. Not even if you're ridiculously hot.)

• The ring is a size 7. I think. You know who wasn't anywhere near a size 7? My manatee of an ex. ZING! No, just kidding. She was like a size 4, which is what I'm hoping you are if you're an attractive female, viewing my listing for this ring. Then when you, the attractive girl who is engaged, comes to pick up this ring from me, I can ogle you and you'll get the physical validation you've been seeking. It's a win-win for both of us!
• The ring is 14k gold or something. It's that "white" gold, even though that's totally a misnomer because it isn't white at all!
• F-G VS2-SI1 - That's the quality of the diamond. It could also be the model number of a fighter jet but then why would I sell it?! Are you kidding me?! I'd execute a precision strike on that brainless slutbag's love-den before going on to act out my fantasies as a modern day American action hero! America, man. Fuck yeah. 
Ok, ok, I'll be serious for a second since I am legitimately trying to get rid of this. F-G is the color, VS2-SI1 is the clarity for the two little diamonds, weighing 0.25 cts each. E/SI2 is for the center diamond, which is 0.66 cts.
• I have a paper from when the ring was appraised in February, 2011. The price I paid for the ring was $2500 and Dominion Jewelers appraised the actual worth at $5000. I'm entertaining almost all offers because I don't think you can put a price on the relief I'll feel once I've finally severed ties completely with that vapid troglodyte I once considered binding myself to for life.

Plus, I really need beer money. All this sadness isn't going away on its own.

Honestly, I was about to throw this ring into the ocean this weekend, but then I realized that the only way I was ever going to be free of its evil was to toss it into the fires of Mt. Doom. However, since I don't live in world with hobbits and ridiculously hot elves, and my name is not Frodo Baggins, I decided to post it on Craigslist instead. Think of this as a quest, if you will. Should you accept the burden of the ring, you'll save my life from the corruption and power it has over me. Also, you'll fuel my lifestyle as a highly functioning alcoholic. There's absolutely no downside!

If you're questioning the legitimacy of what I'm saying, I'm so eager to get rid of this ring that I'll meet you at a jewelry store and you can get the thing appraised yourself for peace of mind. Afterwards, if you're a dude, we'll go have a beer and celebrate your pending engagement to a woman that won't ruin your life!

If you're a woman, we'll go have a beer and celebrate that you are the proud owner of a diamond that will make your friends jealous. While we're drinking, I'll probably be so intensely charming that you might just beg me to give you the ring as a sign of our future intent to be wed. However, I was already duped once. I'm no sucker!

More likely is that we'll both descend into a state of drunkenness together. Eventually, after hours of fantastic conversation and casual flirting, you'll decide I'm a pretty good guy and you'll make it apparent that you wouldn't mind too much if I made a sloppy move on you even though you're engaged. However, because I'm not just a good guy - I'm a GREAT guy - I will ignore your clumsy, drunken advances and instead give you my number and put you in a cab to take you home.

The next day, you're going to be hung over and miserable, but my display of chivalry will stick with you. Eventually you'll do it. . .you'll send a "thank you for not taking advantage of me, even though I clearly wanted you to" text. You'll be impressed with whatever witty response I send you and a conversation will start. From there, it's a build-up of textual flirtation over the course of a few months before we somehow run into each other at a bar. We'll end up sleeping together as the culmination of months of unrecognized sexual tension. Don't worry, it will be worth it.

So, uh. . .I guess let me know if you're interested in this ring, OK?

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  • Location: Glen Burnie, MD
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2980254319