Let Us Ford Rivers, Wear Gingham, and Build Planters

I mentioned, at some point, that I am living in Hawaii, taking care of a gorgeous piece of property while the owners finish out their careers and wrap up loose ends. While the land has many edibles already (macadamia nuts, passion fruit, papayas, and guavas) what it was really missing was a more savory element. I mentioned to a friend that what I really wanted was to plant some vegetables and herbs but I wasn't sure how to go about doing it while keeping out a very adorable duck and four mischievous feral chickens. 

Delicious home-grown guava!

Apparently making a planter is a lot easier than I thought. At first I was tempted to buy one premade with a minor amount of assembly required. However, it would end up being quite a bit smaller and, perhaps more importantly, I couldn't brag to everyone I meet that I actually made one myself.

After a trip to Home Depot, $43, and borrowing one power tool, we were set.

List of Materials:

6 5/8 in. x 5 1/2 in. x 6 ft cedar boards (Make sure they don't have any splits in them. Also, cut TWO of those boards in half. ($19)

1 7 or 8 ft post-like piece of wood, cut into 4 even chunks ($3)

1 inch small screws ($3)

1 1/2 inch small screws ($3)

2 long-ass PVC Pipes ($2.50 each)

Bird netting ($10)

Twine, zip-ties, string, paper clips

Dirt/soil/cinder (Free. . .? I hope?)

Ok, so this is how easy this is: (My instructions are written like I am a third grader. Pretend I am a third grader.)

1. Line up 2 6ft planks parallel to each other. Put a post at the end and line it up so it looks straight/classy.

2. Screw 2 small screws though each board into the post-like piece. Repeat on opposite side of the boards with another post thing.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED ONE SIDE OF YOUR PLANTER. SHIT YEAH, DAWG. HAVE A BEER AND CELEBRATE.

You were supposed to take that beer step seriously. 

3. As you're drinking your beer, do the exact same thing again as above so you have another side of your planter.

4. Take two half-planks of wood and line them up on either end of your planter so it looks like you're making a rectangle.(Hint: You are.)

The end of the half-planks should line up with the post-like things (and the end of the longer cedar planks).

5. Use the same small screws, 2 screws per board per side, to create the third wall of the planter.

6. Do the same thing on the other side.

OH MY GOD YOU HAVE MADE A THING, AND IT IS GLORIOUS.

So then you have the option to get real fancy and put PVC pipe on the side so you can hang bird netting over your garden.  Is that a thing you want to do? If yes. . .

7. You need to get a drill bit a tiny smidge larger than the circumference of your longer screws. You have to drill the holes in the PVC pipe first otherwise apparently things are crazy and the plastic explodes and people die. Sad.

Anyway, make 3 holes at each end of the pipe, about 2.5 inches apart. Do so for both pipes.

8. Take a long screw and screw the PVC pipe to the side of the exposed post-thing. If you're doing it right the bottom of the PVC pipe will touch the top of the long side of the cedar planks. If that doesn't make any sense, just look at the final product below and it should be clear. Use remaining other 2 screws in the pre-drilled holes.

9. Bend the PVC pipe toward the outward-facing side of the post-thing. Repeat Step 8. It should kind of look like the frame of a covered wagon. You can put on your best gingham dress and braid your hair.

Before you do that, though, make sure you do the exact same thing with the PVC pipe and the screws to the other side of the planter. Then it will REALLY look like the frame of a covered wagon.

This duck REALLY wants to be in your planter.

10. Drape some bird netting over the side of your covered wagon and tie it off with string or something. Really, whatever works for you aesthetically? Just as long as it's relatively difficult for a bird-creature to roll around in your planter and fuck up your Christmas. 

That's it! You have your planter. WE MADE THINGS. TOGETHER!

Oh, or you could figure out what to do by watching a video or something. 

My planter is 11 inches high, giving plenty of room for root vegetables if I decide that's what I want to do later.

 Plant List!

Pineapple Sage

Parsley

Sweet Basil

Trailing Rosemary

Dill

Ghost Peppers (x2)

Artichoke

Asparagus

Zucchini (Ok, so they're going to be a bit too big for the planter. Instead, I made 3 dirt mounds, put in the seeds, and I'm hoping for something glorious. I already have one sprouting!)

Spinach (From seeds)

Arugula (From seeds)

String Beans (From seeds)

Also part of the clan, but so far un-planted are:

Thornless Blackberry

Strawberries

Lavender

Coffee Plants (This is Hawaii. Of COURSE it grows well here.)

I'll (hopefully!) do an update again sometime soon to see how this works out!

The Christmas Shopping Dilemma

Gifts for all those little shitheads are expensive. At least
Santa's not selling himself...

Oh Christmas.

'Tis the season for excessive amounts of shopping.

Don't get me wrong, I like a little retail therapy now and then, but I work very hard to ignore most of my materialistic urges. Saving money is important to me. It's why devote my weekends to my second job.

But then Christmas comes along.

I want to give people meaningful gifts. Gifts I think they will actually use and enjoy. Sometimes, that means I can make things for people, other times, it means buying something.


When it comes to making purchases though, I have been trying to shift towards more local shopping. When it comes to Christmas though, that's really difficult. Yes, there are a few boutique stores that are locally owned an operated, but what about when I want to make stuff?

So here's my dilemma. I heard a statistic once (and we all know how TOTALLY RELIABLE those are) about where your dollar goes depending on where you shop. If you shop locally, about 100% of your dollar stays in your community, 13% for big box stores/chains and basically 0% for online shopping. Clearly, there's no way 100% of the money a local store makes stays local (uhhhh,  what about the utilities they have to pay and the materials they make whatever crap they are selling out of??), but you get the idea. Shopping local means more money staying local.

Was this lettuce locally grown or are you just a local vendor?

Ok, so shopping local is great. I did a bit of it, getting presents through my workplace (which is locally owned and operated and involves some very awesome people) and a few local boutiques. Great. So what about the presents I want to hand make?

I am very crafty. I like to make things. Knitting, beading, baking....whatever. But all of those things involve materials. While I am totally down to support local businesses, there has to be a line somewhere. The only way I can make knitting time/cost effective, is to buy my yarn at Michael's or some other giant box store that sells crafty crap. See, you can go to Target and buy a damn scarf for like $10-$20. It costs about $7 in yarn to make one. If I bought my yarn locally, from a local hobby shop or even a local weaver, it would cost a lot more. The whole point of making people gifts is that it's cheaper! And you know, some bullshit about homemade and from the heart blah blah blah, but really it's cheaper.

Ok, so yarn and other craft supplies are out. How about baking? Well, since there are no locally owned grocery stores around here that I know of, I'm kind of out of luck there. Damn you, Nestle chocolate chips, you win again.

You mean, I could be doing all my Christmas shopping,
 without even getting dressed?!?

At least like 13% of my dollar stays local, right? And it's better than shopping online....


These are the kind of justifications I make to myself.

How to Change a Headlight Bulb

Step 1: Notice that your head light is out.

Awesome. It’s dark and you need to get home from school, but your headlight is out and you have NO IDEA where an auto parts store might be. You could use your smart phone to look it up, or you could just decide to go home and deal with it later. You choose the later.

Step 2: Buy a new bulb.

Of course your headlight bulb dies at the most inopportune time, right before you go on a trip. So you look up an auto parts store on the way to your destination. You made a detour and pick up your new headlight bulb.

Step 3: Change the bulb.

You drive a Honda, which means nothing can be simple when it comes to working on the car. The car’s manual tells you to unbolt something, for which you need a wrench. Then you can shove a bunch of stuff around so that you can actually get to the piece that holds the bulb in place. You also need the world’s smallest screwdriver to get to those pieces, as there is a bunch of shit under the hood, so space is at a premium. It also happens to be snowing while you are trying to do this so your hands are freezing.

Oh, and don’t forget you can’t actually touch the bulb because it “causes weak spots in the glass”. This can only mean that an accidental touch can cause the bulb to spontaneously explode at any point.

Step 4: Check to make sure your new bulb works.

It does, hooray! Pat yourself on the back that after a trip to the store for the properly sized screwdriver, the trip to the auto parts store for the $7 light bulb and 30 minutes of cursing Honda in the freezing cold, you actually changed a light bulb. Congratulations.

Hopefully the bulb doesn’t explode.