Game Review: Magic the Gathering Duels of the Planeswalkers 2013

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Fashion: I Think Your Dress Has Some . . .

One of our readers (otherwise known as Kristen’s mother) sent me a picture that I just couldn’t believe I missed. If you read Is it a Bird? A Plane? A Urine-Soaked Dress? No! It's Fashion!, it’s likely that you honed in on my favorite part which was the Maggy London dress that looks like the girl had a fun night out on the town and then conveniently pissed herself all the way to 2012 Fashion Week.

In case you blocked it out, allow me to remind you:

You can now proudly display your membership
in the “I’ve pissed my pants as an adult!” club. 

I’m wondering what the designers were thinking with this one. I mean, really? REALLY?

But OK. Fine. Let’s pretend we’re there at the meeting, watching. Maybe we can try and figure out the logic behind the choice.

I imagine the designers all sitting around a glass table, drinking Starbucks coffee, looking cool and sophisticated as they’re dressed in Micheal Kors and Dolce and Gabbana. They all have light-reflecting white teeth and every single one of them has done modeling at one point in their lives.

"Hello, ladies. Or hey, fuck it. 
Hello lads."

“So, I know what the new trend for the summer is going to be”, says Ryan casually. Ryan is the executive that got his job, not based on talent or fashion know-how, but because he is very pretty and is excellent at sleeping with gorgeous models and coercing them into participating in photo-shoots. 

You know Ryan is a cool dude because he is wearing sunglasses indoors. His hair is perfect, as if he just stepped out of a manga that was drawn lovingly by a 15 year-old girl with braces and acne.  (Miraculously, he is also straight and as such, has absolutely no concept of what looks flattering on women. This does not concern him, however. In his mind, the only good woman in the world is the one that cleans his house and that's only because she is mute. Oh, and she works for table scraps. Also, he can whistle for her like a dog.)

Everyone around the table perks up. If they can get ahead of the other designers, they all might have a chance at keeping their jobs in the fall.

Ryan stands and declares, “We need something. . .edgy. We need to push the limits.”

Ideas start flooding in.

Wanda: “80’s punk rock meets the jungle!”
“Too last season.”
Hannah: “Victorian England mixed with neon!”
*scoffs*
Dan: “Hobo-couture!”
*He is escorted out of the building and is executed gang –style in front of the nearest TJMaxx. *
Candice: “Rocky meets Rocky Horror Picture Show!”
“One more outburst like that, and I’m sending you all to design for Hot Topic.”

The staff is out of ideas. They sit, breathlessly waiting for Ryan’s big reveal.

“Accidents”, he says simply.

“Like. . .caution tape? Or loud, like sirens?”,  asks Hannah.

“No,” Ryan corrects her. “Like. . .embarrassing accidents.”

“Oh! So you mean like. . .when you rip your best pair of pants and you have to make them into cut-off jeans and then sew a designer label on the back so no one knows it was a DIY project?”

Ryan pounds his fist on the table with frustration. “I mean REAL ACCIDENTS. God, do I have to do everything myself?”

With a dramatic flair, he pulls a scarf off an easel and shows the team the Maggy London Spring/Summer 2012 line.

“I call it Accidental Accidents. Ok, we might need to work on the name but this design is a GUARANTEED success!”

Next up, you’ll see this dress available in the
classic “Brown Downtown” color combination. I can’t wait. 

I rushed out to buy the original in Urine Yellow but how will I ever sleep at night knowing I missed Crimson Catastrophe?

I didn't want to directly say, "lol, looks like this dress has some period on it ha ha ha right right?"

But, uh. . .Hey! Maggy London, if you're reading this. . . 
I think your dress has some period on it.

Some things I hate about Facebook.

Ok, I’ll admit it. I am addicted to Facebook. Yeah, it’s a terrible affliction, but it’s not a habit I intend on kicking anytime soon.

So what if I know everything anyone has posted five minutes after it happened? It makes me feel like I am keeping in touch with them. So what if communication is not a one way street and instead of keeping in touch I am really just being a creepy stalker? At least I am not collecting hair and urine samples.

I’m not going to lie, one of the first things I do when I get up in the morning, is check Facebook. What? I have a lot of friends on the West Coast who post stuff after I go to bed and I have to catch up! Oh god, this sounds so pathetic...next comes the 80 cats and the episode of Hoarders, featuring me crying about people throwing out cat shit that I’ve saved for 20 years.

Regardless of my impending crazy cat lady future, I have a few things about Facebook I want to say. Every morning, I am greeted by the sort of stories from the same people. Here are a few examples of what I am talking about.

1. New mothers posting pictures of their new babies. Look, I’m happy for you, that you have started procreating and are proud of the life that you brought into the world, but posting 1000 pictures a day, of your hairless rug rat making the same face, is ridiculous. I seriously wake up to baby pictures on my news feed every day. And you know, I can adjust my news feed to not include these people, but someone else is just going to pop out a kid and I’ll have to block them. It’s like all these people are procreating like it’s their job...or like, a biological imperative or something. Assholes.

2. Some Generic Role in Society: This is What People Think I do. These are inevitably filled with inside jokes, and you know what, I usually don’t get them because I am not a belly dancer or a mathematician or a zookeeper or whatever the fuck is being posted.

Who wants to use the pumice stone on my bunions?

3. An update about the 5th coffee you drank today. Did it have cream? Did you drink it black? OH MY GOD I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT!

4. Music videos. If I wanted to know what you listened to, I would be your friend on last.fm or spotify.com or some sort of music sharing site. Really, I don’t need to know the 10 anthems you’ve selected for your workday and watch their associated videos. This is not youtube. Also, who sorts the goddamn mail while listening to Chris Brown? 5. Really happy, sun shine-y good morning messages. Like, hello world, I am alive and SO glad to be and I love each and every one of my glorious, amazing, beautiful face book friends, many of whom I have never met in real life.. And now the birds will come and help me get dressed and the squirrels will shave my legs for me, tra la la LA la.

Facebook is for sharing the cool things that are going on in your life, things that other people might want to know about. If nothing cool is going on in your life, then shut the hell up.

Energy Drinks: Now with more Aortic Shrapnel!

Some days, you just wake up in need of a caffeine buzz. Maybe you didn’t sleep well because you had something on your mind. Maybe you thought a red eye flight was a good idea and you were seated next to a screaming baby, so instead of sleeping you contemplated ways to kill yourself and everyone around you. Maybe, on your way home from work last night, you were pulled over and mistaken for a bank robber and you were taken to the local jail and thrown in a cell with Richard “Rapey” McPerson and he kept you up allllllll night. You know, with his snoring.

Meth in the workplace could lead to some serious
boosts in productivity!

Whatever the reason, you are exhausted. You need some way to make up the energy you lost from not sleeping. Meth is always an option, though it is probably frowned upon as an energy source in the work environment. If hardcore drugs aren’t an option, then you might find yourself turning to caffeine.

My preferred method of caffeine ingestion is coffee, but I know many people who don’t like coffee. They don’t like the taste, which I will admit, it took me many years to acquire a taste for. Now I drink it black. Yeah, I’m hardcore like that. Yeah, it has nothing to do with this blog, but I just wanted you to know, so shut the fuck up, this is my blog post.

Ok, maybe she's not 16, but I still get points for the level of trashy here.

Anyway, if you don’t like the taste of coffee and you are in serious need of a caffeine high, what are your options? Soda? No. You want a SERIOUS amount 

of caffeine, not a pansy, “I’m having a coke” amount of caffeine.

Energy drinks. Yeah, that’s where I am going with all of this. When normal methods of caffeine just aren’t enough, you turn to energy drinks. Unless you are a 16 year old girl and you think having a can of Rockstar in one hand makes you look cool. IT DOESNT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PRE-METH HEAD. “Yeah, I’m working on my trashy addictions at an early age.”

There are a variety of energy drinks out there, depending on your desired level of caffeine high.

Drink Name	mg of caffeine/fl. ounce	Caffeine Level
Bawls	6.7	one cup of coffee
Amp	8.93	one cup of coffee
Full Throttle	9	one cup of coffee
Monster	9.375	one cup of coffee
Red Bull	9.625	one cup of coffee
Rockstar	10	Starbucks frappuchino in a logo cup so everyone knows you are cool enough to buy coffee from Starbucks
No Name, formerly Cocaine	33.14	Rocket Fuel
5 Hour Energy	69.5	ENERGY OF THE SUN

I don't know who this Leon is, but I hope he
understands I like my burgers medium rare.

I’m going to get to my real point now. You might have noticed, through my well placed use of snide and/or sarcastic remarks, that I hate energy drinks. I think they are absolutely ridiculous. When I see teenagers walking down the street with giant cans of energy drink in their hands, I want to grab them by the ears and drag them to their homes and send them to their rooms. I realize that in my hate of energy drinks I have aged about 40 years, but I don’t care. I also realize, that as a coffee drinker, I might be a huge fucking hypocrite, but I still don’t care.

Watch out for aortic shrapnel! Someone could lose an eye.

Energy drinks are designed to give you energy in a time of need, when you are on low energy. If you are low on energy every day, then something is wrong. There is no section of the food pyramid for energy drinks, because they are NOT MEANT TO BE PART OF YOUR DAILY INTAKE OF FOOD.

You know, once upon a time, before I developed a caffeine tolerance, I would occasionally drink coffee just because it was humorous. I would buy a sugared up version of coffee and let the good times roll. I became extremely energetic and talked a mile a minute. It brought smiles to the faces of all around me, like when you get an 18 year old drunk for the first time.

Ultimately, I am a firm believer in the idea that energy drinks will make your heart explode. While that might be fun to watch, innocent bystanders could be hurt.

If you want to increase your energy level, try one of these helpful options:

Chicken puree, the foundation
of chicken nuggets. Yum.

1. Stop eating fast food. It's gross and completely empty as far as nutrients go. This means that, even though it's food, it's not really a good energy source for your body. Also, have you SEEN what that shit is made from?

2. Get off your lazy ass. Yeah. I said it. Exercise, while it burns up said energy, is also a great way to feel good and ENERGIZED. Weird, right? Do not use energy drinks to get you energized for a work out. Maybe if you were a professional athlete, but we all know you're not. So just get off your butt and go for a walk or something.

3. Eat fresh fruit. It's got like natural fruit sugars and stuff so it's easy for your body to turn that shit into energy. And you might even get a few vitamins into your system too!
4. Get into a normal sleep routine. I know it's hard, what with your weekend binge drinking and Thursday night D&D sessions that go until the wee hours of the morning, but just try. Being on a normal sleep schedule means you sleep better and feel more rested, thus, you feel less tired.
Those were my helpful hints for you! Hooray!
Did I mention I hate energy drinks?