Craigslist: I'd REALLY like to sell this ring.

Occasionally I write ads for my friends on Craigslist to try and get rid of their shit. However, I'm never content to just write a regular post. At some point I decided that, even better than selling the ring, maybe I'd write him a personal ad.

So, I did.

http://baltimore.craigslist.org/jwl/2980254319.html

NOTE: I got permission to do this. I'm only a part-time asshole.

email this posting to a friendbaltimore craigslist > for sale / wanted > jewelry - by owner

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Engagement ring for sale. . .I need beer money. Best Offer? - $500 (Glen Burnie, MD)

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Date: 2012-04-26, 10:52AM EDT
Reply to: ct9bv-2980254319@sale.craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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I have a ring for sale. You'll like it because it's pretty. Probably like your fiancée, if you're a dude.
Or, like you, if you're a girl! (Hey, I'm selling a ring, here. You can assume that means I'm available.)

I could tell you my sad tale of woe about everything that led up to me wanting to get rid of this symbolic circle of doom, but that's not really the kind of thing you tell people the first time you meet them. Just know that I really want to sell this ring.

Specifically, I want to sell YOU this ring, but I don't want to get scammed, ya dig?

So, that said. . .Local Pickup ONLY. (No exceptions. Not even if you're ridiculously hot.)

Details:
• The ring is a size 7. I think. You know who wasn't anywhere near a size 7? My manatee of an ex. ZING! No, just kidding. She was like a size 4, which is what I'm hoping you are if you're an attractive female, viewing my listing for this ring. Then when you, the attractive girl who is engaged, comes to pick up this ring from me, I can ogle you and you'll get the physical validation you've been seeking. It's a win-win for both of us!
• The ring is 14k gold or something. It's that "white" gold, even though that's totally a misnomer because it isn't white at all!
• F-G VS2-SI1 - That's the quality of the diamond. It could also be the model number of a fighter jet but then why would I sell it?! Are you kidding me?! I'd execute a precision strike on that brainless slutbag's love-den before going on to act out my fantasies as a modern day American action hero! America, man. Fuck yeah. 

Ok, ok, I'll be serious for a second since I am legitimately trying to get rid of this. F-G is the color, VS2-SI1 is the clarity for the two little diamonds, weighing 0.25 cts each. E/SI2 is for the center diamond, which is 0.66 cts.
• I have a paper from when the ring was appraised in February, 2011. The price I paid for the ring was $2500 and Dominion Jewelers appraised the actual worth at $5000. I'm entertaining almost all offers because I don't think you can put a price on the relief I'll feel once I've finally severed ties completely with that vapid troglodyte I once considered binding myself to for life.

Plus, I really need beer money. All this sadness isn't going away on its own.

Honestly, I was about to throw this ring into the ocean this weekend, but then I realized that the only way I was ever going to be free of its evil was to toss it into the fires of Mt. Doom. However, since I don't live in world with hobbits and ridiculously hot elves, and my name is not Frodo Baggins, I decided to post it on Craigslist instead. Think of this as a quest, if you will. Should you accept the burden of the ring, you'll save my life from the corruption and power it has over me. Also, you'll fuel my lifestyle as a highly functioning alcoholic. There's absolutely no downside!

If you're questioning the legitimacy of what I'm saying, I'm so eager to get rid of this ring that I'll meet you at a jewelry store and you can get the thing appraised yourself for peace of mind. Afterwards, if you're a dude, we'll go have a beer and celebrate your pending engagement to a woman that won't ruin your life!

If you're a woman, we'll go have a beer and celebrate that you are the proud owner of a diamond that will make your friends jealous. While we're drinking, I'll probably be so intensely charming that you might just beg me to give you the ring as a sign of our future intent to be wed. However, I was already duped once. I'm no sucker!

More likely is that we'll both descend into a state of drunkenness together. Eventually, after hours of fantastic conversation and casual flirting, you'll decide I'm a pretty good guy and you'll make it apparent that you wouldn't mind too much if I made a sloppy move on you even though you're engaged. However, because I'm not just a good guy - I'm a GREAT guy - I will ignore your clumsy, drunken advances and instead give you my number and put you in a cab to take you home.

The next day, you're going to be hung over and miserable, but my display of chivalry will stick with you. Eventually you'll do it. . .you'll send a "thank you for not taking advantage of me, even though I clearly wanted you to" text. You'll be impressed with whatever witty response I send you and a conversation will start. From there, it's a build-up of textual flirtation over the course of a few months before we somehow run into each other at a bar. We'll end up sleeping together as the culmination of months of unrecognized sexual tension. Don't worry, it will be worth it.

So, uh. . .I guess let me know if you're interested in this ring, OK?

• Location: Glen Burnie, MD
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2980254319

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Women Are Crazy.

It's time for round 2 of dating advice from me! 

This helpful advice is for the menfolks, as most of my advice is. Menfolk; bitches be crazy.

That’s it. That’s my advice.

I’m serious though, women are crazy. We are actually bat shit insane. Most of us though, are fairly good at hiding our insanity. It’s still there though, lurking beneath the surface....

For instance!

We like men who are assholes. I have no idea what it is about assholes, but damn. When some dude can’t even deign to give me the time of day, it gets me hot. It must be something about wanting what you can’t have or some bullshit like that. When men ignore me, it drives me wild. I’m actually only being a little sarcastic here because it’s true. Maybe not to that extent, but men who express interest but are then standoffish or run hot and cold tend to make me more interested than a guy who is all about me. Really, if a guy is all about me, I assume something is wrong with him because I’m crazy.

Yes, even the most self assured woman is secretly filled with self doubt. Anyone who is interested in us must be blind in one eye and really, really desperate and everyone knows desperation is not an attractive characteristic.

Yes, even the most beautiful of women
 can be ugly in the right light.

So the fact that we are really secretly filled with self doubt is another sign of our craziness. Some of this self doubt has to do with our physical appearance. We are extremely self conscious of our looks. I realize that I have attractive features and sometimes, if the lighting is just right, I can actually look ‘pretty’. 


When men tell me I am attractive, I assume the lighting is in that ‘just right’ state and they’ll eventually realize how unflattering the rest of the world looks on me.


I am also aware that most of this is in my head. I had a roommate who had long, curly hair that was absolutely gorgeous. Many days, she would complain about her hair. “Oh it’s all fluffy today!” she would cry. When I looked at her hair, it looked exactly the same as it always did to me; perfect. She would then spend the next hour alternately spraying, styling and gelling her hair, the end result being that it looked exactly the same to me.

Another example!

When we actually manage to get over our self doubt enough to land us a man, that’s when the real crazy sets in. If we allow ourselves to admit that we actually like someone enough that we want to keep them around, the most ridiculous, absolutely insane thought pops into our heads. 

It worked! Now he can never, ever leave meeeeeee!!!

Are you ready for this?


“Oh my god, he’s going to leave me, how can I get him to stay? I know, I’ll get pregnant!”

Yes, this is absolutely crazy. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t gone through the head of your significant other/friend/mother at some point in time. Just because women have this thought, doesn’t mean they act on it, but it’s still there. Most women realize how insane thoughts like that are....but I’m sure we can all agree that a few women actually manage to pull this off....

Really, we are all crazy. There’s no help for it. Men, there’s nothing you can do to combat the craziness, but you can be aware that it exists and be patient with us. When we are ready, we’ll share it with you...hopefully little by little, in small, manageable doses. Unless you get us drunk. Then you take matters into your own hands. Alcohol is a first class ticket on the crazy train! Hooray!

Beep beep, it's the crazy train!

The Screen Name Dilemma

So here you are, getting ready to explore your options for significant other, via the internet. You sign up for an online dating site and are immediately presented with a problem. What the hell should your screen name be? In all honesty, it’s one of the first things a potential future mate will see.

Let’s play a game.

I’ll give you two screen names. You pick which one you might actually choose to respond to, if you received a message from them. Note that these are actual screen names from a dating site.

Here’s the first set:
roastbeefboy6 OR
samazing711

And another:
oneyoungbull OR
om_nom_nom_Tom

And one more:
Alexisbest OR
roboceratops

Now, let’s dissect some real, live screen names.

First, Fi11edWithPain. Wow. Now, I might be a bit biased, because I have seen the pictures that go along with this profile name, but can you say emo? I mean, maybe that’s what you are going for, but really? If I wanted to date someone covered in self inflicted wounds who cried after we had sex, I’d become a groupie for My Chemical Romance.

Ariana: At least you know he’s already comfortable with torture. Assume that if he chooses me as his future mate, I’ll make his life as terrible as possible so I can fulfill his wish every single day.

Next, dguy38. I’m sorry, when I see the letter ‘d’ in front of something, I automatically think ‘douche’. Yeah, like ‘dbag’. That’s exactly what I think of when I see this screen name. Try again, sir.

When I see this name, I don’t even notice the D. The thing that stands out to me is that he was born in 1938. He got his hands blown off in WWII, so what I want to know is who the hell taught him how to internet?! Also, if he wasn’t born in 38, and he’s actually 38 years old, what kind of idiot displays your current age in your profile name? It will change next year. Finally, if you’re going to lie about your age, why would you pick 38? Don’t you realize that women aren’t going to click on the profile that screams, “MALE PATTERN BALDNESS AND A SEVERE BEER GUT”?

johndoe123987. “Hello. I have about as much personality as a cadaver, so I named myself after an unidentified body in a morgue somewhere.”

A John Doe is what you’ll be after just 5 minutes in his presence. You were literally bored to death.

xyyzzz. *bangs head against keyboard*

He’s apparently a failure at everything, but especially geography. Everyone knows it’s spelled “Zzyzx”.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zzyzx,_California

69badass. “All I want is sex and I happen to think I am really awesome at it”.

He’s so many badasses. No, like seriously, guys. This guy is the male equivalent of 69 Vin Diesels riding a dragon with a rocket launcher and shooting a Desert Eagle with his mouth. If this guy named a drink after himself, it would be “The Panty Dropper”. Oh, speaking of which, I guess I should try and collect the charred remains of my undergarments now.

J_Androgynous. “Yeah, I’m not really sure if I want to date men or women, so this sounds like a good in-between.”

My guess is that androgyny defines this person. His or her name is Jan. That would be enough for me.

catcity. If I was looking at female screen names, this would scream “CRAZY CAT LADY”. As a male screen name, it just confuses me.

He actually tried to get “scat-city” but even online dating sites don’t seem to like the deviants they are so likely to attract. Go figure.

jack2010_taco. Any scream name with a euphemism for vagina is a major turn-off and is extremely tacky. I’m looking at you, roastbeefboy6.

I’d instantly message both of these people based on their names alone. My hope is that at least one of them is actually made of the food they reference in their name. My message would read,
“I am bringing a knife, a fork, and a lot of fuckin’ hot sauce to the first of our many glorious nights together. Also, I am menstruating.”

KinkyRomantic. Again, having read through this user’s profile, I might be a bit biased. At least the name is up front because ‘Kinky’ is this user’s middle name. Or maybe first name. Without a last name. Porn star style.

The female equivalent to this username is KamiSutraSlut. So you get it, right? Her name is Kami and she’s a . . .

IsThisRealLife1. Although I support the use of an internet meme and pop culture reference, I feel like this one is particularly douche-y.

I don’t know why she hates this name. He’s simply following her instructions for how to suck less at online dating. He’s so nervous about not asking questions to his potential mate that he made his username into one. It doesn’t scream desperation at all.

luckhatesme. Um.....desperate much? I don’t want to hear about how unfair life has been to you, so either get your act together, or talk about something else.

Luck hates you, and so does everyone else. Go back to your mother’s basement and let her feed you some more Marie Calendar’s chicken pot pie while you jerk off to reruns of Dukes of Hazzard and play Minecraft.

wanghunglo. Classy. If I wanted to have a stranger from the internet talk to me about his dick, I’d go on Craigslist.

I don’t know what she’s talking about. Now this is a classy name. He’s referring to that classic kid’s song:
Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?
If this guy is replacing lyrics in this song so that “ears” are replaced with “wang”, I want to meet him. Mainly because I think that he’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records someday for Penis mobility and if there is a possible benefit for getting in his posse on the ground floor, I am there. Just imagine all the discounts for oil changes and two day old donuts. I will be living the dream.


Here are a few I actually like;

skrumtrelescent. It’s a made up word and it makes me giggle. Go ahead, say it aloud. It’s nonsensical and it stands out. It makes me pause and think about it a bit longer. That’s exactly what you want from a good screen name and a good online profile...the ability to stick in someone’s mind.

I think if you get trelescent over being “skrumed” on, the screen name of your potential internet date is the last thing you need to worry about.

LostInDC. It tells you where the user is, right off the bat and is slightly whimsical. It might also sound a bit lonely, but it does so without sounding completely desperate. It makes me want to help get this user un-lost, or maybe even just get lost with them. Awwwwwwwww!

Kristen thinks he’s lost. I think he’s a hobo with a hacksaw and he’s waiting to sweep you off your feet in the “they will soon be unattached to your body” sort of way.

harrisaurusrex. I’m sorry, but I am a sucker for dinosaur references. It tells me that the user who created this name can be silly and have fun, which is definitely something I look for in a significant other.

Chances are good that this guy has a debilitating fear of small rodents and babies. You want to believe his name is “Harris” and that this is some kind of fun word play but let’s be real. The only thing interesting about this guy is the fact that he does, in fact, like to dress up as a dinosaur when he meets his hooks ups from online dating sites.

Blahnanas. I find names with word play amusing. To me, it indicates a certain level of literacy and intelligence and it makes me smile. I feel that online dating has a have a little bit of light heartedness to it. If you take it too serious, you’re going to end up disappointed.

Anyone with “blah” in their name is already so boring that I can’t stand them. Also, they’re declaring some kind of love of bananas. Since I’m a female and I’m looking for someone who is interested in dating females, I’m not also looking for someone who promotes only the most phallic of fruits.

Ultimately, avoid blatant references to sex(DUH), money and how much of it you have, androgyny and/or generics. You want a name that stands out and conveys a little bit about you. It’s also appropriate to use and inside joke or nickname as it will give you something to talk about, if someone asks. Online dating is all about starting a conversation, so a good screen name is definitely a step in the right direction.

How to Suck Less at Online Dating

Having just moved to a new area, I don’t know anyone. ‘However shall I get to meet new people?’ I ask myself. An online dating site is the answer, of course.

I have been a member of okcupid since 2004, though I have never seriously used it for dating purposes. The only time I met anyone from the site was in college and they invited me to a party, so of course I went. Nothing ever happened, other than I made a new facebook friend.

Where I live now is a pretty rural area. The nearest city has a population of around 30,000 people. Coming from Baltimore, where I’ve lived for the last two years, 30,000 is nothing. It’s not a situation I am unfamiliar with, as I grew up in rural Southern Oregon, but I’ve enjoyed living in Baltimore. The night life, the busyness and the endless opportunities were something I came to enjoy. Moving to a much more rural area has been a little bit of a culture shock.

So I turned to okcupid. I figured it would be a good way to meet new people and at least find some entertainment. It might also take my mind of my ex, an added bonus! Needless to say, in a town of 30,000, the pickings were slim. I don’t feel like my standards for being interested in starting a conversation with someone online are all that high. A flattering picture or two, a profile without major grammatical errors and the ability to type full words. Is that really too much to ask for? Apparently. There were a few that made it past my rigorous first round of inspections though. I decided to be bold and send several of them a message. I thought “hey, these guys should be THRILLED that a female is taking the initiative and messaging THEM”.

I was somewhat disappointed by the responses I got. I was also not too thrilled about some of the first contact messages I received from other users. After a conversation with my bestie, I was convinced to share.

Ariana: we should compile a list of men's messages on our blog and then dissect them.

"What not to say"

me: lol, seriously.

HOW TO TALK TO A GIRL ONLINE

ASK QUESTIONS

DUH

Ariana: SHE IS A GIRL

SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT HERSELF

me: That makes me sounds like a self centered bitch but it's how you keep a conversation going.

You ask questions, they answer and then ask questions, you answer and then ask more questions.

If you don't ask questions, you just stare awkwardly at each other or, if it's online, you don't get a message back.

CONVERSATION OVER

Ariana: haha

me: *cue video game music*

Ariana: i heard the death music from super mario 3

me: I am now compiling info to use on an okcupid blog post. “How to suck less at online dating.”

okcupid user:

I'm tired of trying to come up with a good attention grabber sooo....

'ello there. I'm Aaron.. lol.

Ultimately, you couldn’t even bother to come up with something interesting to say, so you just told me you couldn’t come up with something interesting to say. This tells me that you are either lazy, or not very intelligent. Neither of these things might be true, but I have very little to base my opinion of you on. Thus, if you even get a response, I will be slightly sarcastic.

me: Hi Aaron, I'm Kristen.

I'll agree that it's always a pain to come up with something to say, when you are introducing yourself to someone out of the blue. I think that's why pick up lines were invented...but I'm not sure how well those really work.

So what is it about golf that you enjoy so much? I mean, I enjoy walking as a form of exercise, but stopping to hit a ball every so often would try my patience. Mini golf, on the other hand, is a sport I can get behind, as long as there are ridiculous courses involving pirates or some sort of jungle-like terrain.

Please note that my reference to this users liking for golf was taken from his profile. Thus, I have made it clear that I read his profile AND I have asked about something he is interested in. This is how you make conversation.

The following is a message I sent to a user. I was intrigued by their profile and so I took the initiative to message them.

me:

I never know how to start a conversation like this. It's like being a telemarketer and cold calling people; I could never do it. Anyway, I liked that you started your profile off with outing yourself as a gamer geek. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with my own geekery, but I'm working on it. I also have to admit that I liked your screen name; The Fifth Element is definitely one of my all time favorite movies.

While it was hard for me to come up with something to say, I made a comparison to something in hopes of being personable, instead of being lazy. I commented on something from the user’s profile that could potentially spark future conversation and then I complimented them on their choice of user name. Pretty basic stuff.

ok cupid user:

It will definitely cull a bit more to just get my geekness out right away, though i tested more as an average joe on the geek/nerd test.

I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what to say. I usually try to work with something in the profile. Like for you, i would have issued a challenge to your belching prowess and/or commended you for your favorite movie.

As for my screen name, i was at a loss so i went with something i liked. I've gotten a few nods for the reference so i think i choose wisely.

Thank you for asking me absolutely ZERO questions. We’ve really got a great conversation going now!

If a female takes the time to actually send you a message, it means she is interested. If you want to keep the conversation going, make sure you let her know that. At least this user gets kudos for letting me know they read my profile. I did actually send a response in the hopes of again trying to get a conversation going, but having nothing to go off of makes it far less likely that someone will respond.

The following message was sent to me. I do try to check out the profiles of the users who message me, unless I think it’s a generic line they use on everyone, at which point I delete the message.

okcupid user:

Hey what's up u seem pretty cool and ur really beautiful ;) I live right outside fruitland so maybe we can chill sometime

Ok, this user already violated my ‘being able to type full words’ expectation, but he made sure to include a location near to me so I did feel like he at least looked at my profile. I figured that I could at least return the favor.

From okcupid user’s profile:

My self-summary

Im very blunt at times, at times ill roll a blunt lol but i prefer a bowl. Im the kinda guy whod rather hit a bong than a bottle. I dont like bullshit, lies, or theives! And i dont believe in 'FWB' or no strings attached! If u dont have the strings then ur ass missed out on the whole picture! Those strings are what sew the fabric of love baby! Lmao its funny but true! Ah but i just wanna meet a girl whos just like me, honest down 2 earth trustworthy loyal funny and above all else 420 friendly! ;P

There went any chance of me responding to this user’s message. Grammatical errors, inability to type full words and a new addendum to my list of expectations, references to illegal drugs on an online profile. It’s like people who used to have marijuana pictures plastered all over their myspace pages. It’s just so god damn tacky. I don’t care if you use drugs, but that’s not really something you should be posting for all to see on the Internet and it’s not how you should introduce yourself, right off the bat. Either you are a complete idiot OR your main goal in life is to be high. Neither is something I am interested in.

What have we learned from all this?

1. If a female takes the time to send you a message, it means she is interested. Go big or go home, son.

2. Proper grammar is a must. Even if you are AWFUL at typing and spelling and using commas, it doesn’t matter. Online profiles are some one's first impression of you. Make a good first impression and have someone proofread your profile, otherwise you sound like a complete idiot.

3. References to illegal drug usage on public sites is always in poor form.

4. If some one's profile impresses you enough to actually send them a message, make sure you ask questions so you create the basis for an actual conversation. It’s hard enough to talk to people you don’t know, without having to struggle to find something to talk about. Be well versed in their profile and ask them about it. People really do love to talk about themselves and it’s a great way to get to know each other a little better.

Do be aware though, if all someone does is talk about themselves and never asks questions about you, they might actually be self centered.

Having a conversation doesn’t have to be hard. Just be a thoughtful and intelligent person and most importantly, be yourself!