Craigslist: I'd REALLY like to sell this ring.

Occasionally I write ads for my friends on Craigslist to try and get rid of their shit. However, I'm never content to just write a regular post. At some point I decided that, even better than selling the ring, maybe I'd write him a personal ad.

So, I did.

http://baltimore.craigslist.org/jwl/2980254319.html

NOTE: I got permission to do this. I'm only a part-time asshole.

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Engagement ring for sale. . .I need beer money. Best Offer? - $500 (Glen Burnie, MD)

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Date: 2012-04-26, 10:52AM EDT
Reply to: ct9bv-2980254319@sale.craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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I have a ring for sale. You'll like it because it's pretty. Probably like your fiancée, if you're a dude.
Or, like you, if you're a girl! (Hey, I'm selling a ring, here. You can assume that means I'm available.)

I could tell you my sad tale of woe about everything that led up to me wanting to get rid of this symbolic circle of doom, but that's not really the kind of thing you tell people the first time you meet them. Just know that I really want to sell this ring.

Specifically, I want to sell YOU this ring, but I don't want to get scammed, ya dig?

So, that said. . .Local Pickup ONLY. (No exceptions. Not even if you're ridiculously hot.)

Details:
• The ring is a size 7. I think. You know who wasn't anywhere near a size 7? My manatee of an ex. ZING! No, just kidding. She was like a size 4, which is what I'm hoping you are if you're an attractive female, viewing my listing for this ring. Then when you, the attractive girl who is engaged, comes to pick up this ring from me, I can ogle you and you'll get the physical validation you've been seeking. It's a win-win for both of us!
• The ring is 14k gold or something. It's that "white" gold, even though that's totally a misnomer because it isn't white at all!
• F-G VS2-SI1 - That's the quality of the diamond. It could also be the model number of a fighter jet but then why would I sell it?! Are you kidding me?! I'd execute a precision strike on that brainless slutbag's love-den before going on to act out my fantasies as a modern day American action hero! America, man. Fuck yeah. 

Ok, ok, I'll be serious for a second since I am legitimately trying to get rid of this. F-G is the color, VS2-SI1 is the clarity for the two little diamonds, weighing 0.25 cts each. E/SI2 is for the center diamond, which is 0.66 cts.
• I have a paper from when the ring was appraised in February, 2011. The price I paid for the ring was $2500 and Dominion Jewelers appraised the actual worth at $5000. I'm entertaining almost all offers because I don't think you can put a price on the relief I'll feel once I've finally severed ties completely with that vapid troglodyte I once considered binding myself to for life.

Plus, I really need beer money. All this sadness isn't going away on its own.

Honestly, I was about to throw this ring into the ocean this weekend, but then I realized that the only way I was ever going to be free of its evil was to toss it into the fires of Mt. Doom. However, since I don't live in world with hobbits and ridiculously hot elves, and my name is not Frodo Baggins, I decided to post it on Craigslist instead. Think of this as a quest, if you will. Should you accept the burden of the ring, you'll save my life from the corruption and power it has over me. Also, you'll fuel my lifestyle as a highly functioning alcoholic. There's absolutely no downside!

If you're questioning the legitimacy of what I'm saying, I'm so eager to get rid of this ring that I'll meet you at a jewelry store and you can get the thing appraised yourself for peace of mind. Afterwards, if you're a dude, we'll go have a beer and celebrate your pending engagement to a woman that won't ruin your life!

If you're a woman, we'll go have a beer and celebrate that you are the proud owner of a diamond that will make your friends jealous. While we're drinking, I'll probably be so intensely charming that you might just beg me to give you the ring as a sign of our future intent to be wed. However, I was already duped once. I'm no sucker!

More likely is that we'll both descend into a state of drunkenness together. Eventually, after hours of fantastic conversation and casual flirting, you'll decide I'm a pretty good guy and you'll make it apparent that you wouldn't mind too much if I made a sloppy move on you even though you're engaged. However, because I'm not just a good guy - I'm a GREAT guy - I will ignore your clumsy, drunken advances and instead give you my number and put you in a cab to take you home.

The next day, you're going to be hung over and miserable, but my display of chivalry will stick with you. Eventually you'll do it. . .you'll send a "thank you for not taking advantage of me, even though I clearly wanted you to" text. You'll be impressed with whatever witty response I send you and a conversation will start. From there, it's a build-up of textual flirtation over the course of a few months before we somehow run into each other at a bar. We'll end up sleeping together as the culmination of months of unrecognized sexual tension. Don't worry, it will be worth it.

So, uh. . .I guess let me know if you're interested in this ring, OK?

• Location: Glen Burnie, MD
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2980254319

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The Craigslist "Community"

When you have as much free time as I do (I have been unemployed since Thanksgiving, waiting for my graduate school program to start), you have to find new and exciting ways in which to waste your time. Netflix, reading, and random Internet sites filled with hilarity will only get you so far.

Eventually, I turned to craigslist, to help ease the boredom. No, not like that, you perverts. I’m not talking about the personal ads on craigslist; the ‘strictly platonic’ ads looking for massage partners (are people unclear of what ‘platonic’ means? If they just wanted an actual massage, why not go to a massage therapist?), or the ads for lonely married men looking for ‘discreet women’. I’ve already talked about the importance of spell check when it comes to online personal ads, so we’re just going skip over that glaring spelling mistake.

Anyway, I am talking about the ‘Community’ section of craigslist, where you can find baby-sitting gigs and other random, short term jobs along with an assortment of pets. You can also find hilarity among the intermittent posts for lost cats and bands looking for new members, you occasionally come upon a gem that brings Internet hilarity to a whole new level.

I’ll try to refrain from any vampiric related activities this weekend, sir.

So there I am, perusing the ‘Community’ section one day, when I see something that catches my eye. It’s a link for a taste testing company. Having participated in taste testing research in the past, I was intrigued. I signed up and was almost immediately invited to participate in a survey later in the week.

For those of you unfamiliar with taste testing, it can be a pretty sweet gig. It’s like medical testing, without the potential side effects of investigational drugs, like anal leakage and brain hemorrhaging. Taste testing doesn’t pay quite as well since the risks associated with it are somewhat minimal, comparatively. Different jobs pay different amounts, depending on the intensity of the survey and the time it takes to complete it.

In the past, I did several taste tests with the Food Science Department at Oregon State University. They do a lot of marketing and testing of new products through the department and often invite students to partake in the focus groups and taste tests they do.

On nom nom.

One test, in particular, I quite enjoyed. It was a new soda that they were looking at releasing. They gave me a 12 pack of soda, asked me to drink one a day and take a survey each day after drinking the soda. They asked me about how the soda tasted and how I felt while drinking it. It took just a couple minutes a day to do the survey, I got free soda and $75 at the end of it.

Granted, if you are taking time out of a real job to do any of this, the pay is probably not comparable. For those of us with lots of free time, our time is worth very little, so having something to do and getting paid, even if it’s just a small amount, is pretty sweet. Also, it does not involve selling sexual favors on the street corner, which is the only other way I know to make a quick $20.

Enough about blow jobs, back to my story.

My taste test today involved eating two different pieces of deli meat. At least, I think they were different. This could have all been a joke. Maybe they gave us the same meat, just to fuck with us. I mean, that’s what I would do, if I was in charge. Regardless, I ate two pieces of lunch meat, talked about which one I liked better and why and they gave me $20.

When you’re a poor college student like me, $20 can buy you a lot of important things, like beer and food. But mostly beer.

This looks a little too familiar...

And beer helps make working the street corner a little more tolerable...