Vegetables: steamed vs. boiled.

What happened to the food pyramid?

 I consider myself a fairly well-informed, health conscious eater. I try to get lots of fruits and veggies, focus on lean proteins and whole grain carbohydrates and occasionally try to read up on the latest trends in healthy eating...like this crap about grains not being healthy for you.

As a scientist, I am always confused by the SCIENCE behind WHY something is good for me vs. bad for me. When it comes to vegetables...I am tired of being confused. I have heard that steamed veggies are better than raw veggies, that either of those are better than overcooked, blah blah blah.

So why, exactly, is steamed the best way to eat certain veggies and why is overcooked so bad?

According to The Learning Network(that's TLC, by the way), heat can degrade nutrients...so if you cook vegetables too hot, you can lose nutrients. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS HAPPEN? Ok, so some things break down when you heat them. That’s fine....but where do they go? If I cook something, the nutrients magically disappear? If that’s what happens to nutrients, how the fuck do we ingest anything healthy EVER? And why does no one bother to actually say this when they say to eat steamed vegetables? Why do they use scare tactics, without backing their claims up with science??

Oh, you wanted to be healthy? That’s too bad because all this vitamin A just EVAPORATED INTO THIN AIR.

According to livestrong.com, steaming veggies to a certain point actually makes them healthier, because the heat breaks down the cellulose that is inherent in plant cells. Cellulose is really hard to digest...that’s why cows have like, four stomachs. Are you a cow? No, so cooking your vegetables helps your poor, overworked stomach out. Because your stomach is clearly working overtime to process all those McDonald’s cheeseburgers and doesn’t have time to deal with all that cellulose from your iceburg lettuce salad....

Ok, so steamed veggies are better than raw veggies in many cases..I mean, people do research and stuff on this.

Wait, what do you mean this doesn't count as a fruit?

So why are steamed veggies better than boiled veggies? What happens at the magic point when steaming becomes boiling? And yes, I am aware that there are some inherent differences in steaming vs. boiling, like when you steam stuff it’s not actually sitting in the water....but whatever. If you’re like me and you don’t have a steamer, you just boil stuff in a small amount of water until it turns bright green and pretend that you steamed it. Hey man, if it’s bright green, I assume it’s healthy....(hello, Midori!)


But still...why is steamed better than boiled? Apparently, it’s because some nutrients are water soluble. What does that even mean? Well, when you cook vegetables in water, these nutrients leak out, and become dissolved in the water. Unless you are drinking your broccoli’s bath water, you’re out of luck with that whole eating healthy thing. So those inherent differences in steaming vs. boiling actually DO matter. The more water you use, and the more contact between the vegetables and the water, the fewer nutrients you get in the end.

So basically, steam your veggies...and avoid boiling them until they are limp and grey....because that just sounds disgusting and you don't get as much out of your veggies. Really though, if I am bothering to eat vegetables, I want them to be as nutrient-rich as possible. Something has to counteract all that booze I drink on the weekends...

Intro to Running

LOOK AT ME I RAN A HALF MARATHON!

So, I kind of consider myself a runner...sometimes more than others. I will explain this vagueness with the backstory to my running career.

When I was little, I played little league. I started with t-ball and worked my way up to the Majors. I was usually the best base runner on the team. I was fast. I was a sprinter.

Eventually, I stopped sprinting and switched to sports that required little to no running.

During my junior year of track, a friend asked if I would run with her. She was tired of running with the hardcore people, who left her in the dust. I agreed and we started running together. At a track meet one afternoon, she asked me to fill in for her in the 1500m as she wanted to focus on just running her 3000m. Stupidly, I agreed.

It hurt like hell and I am sure my time was terrible, but I ran it. Afterwards, I went and threw the discus, my normal track event, and I threw farther than I ever had before. Suddenly, I was hooked.

We continued to run together and at the end of the school year, we promised that if one of us ran cross country in the fall, the other would too. I think she believed she would be the one forcing me into it....but it turned out the other way. I showed up for the first day of cross country practice and she was nowhere to be found. I showed up at her place of employment and practically dragged her kicking and screaming to daily doubles. We spent the rest of the season fighting over the position of ‘second fastest female’ on the team. The title of ‘first fastest’ went to a girl who eventually went on to run cross country at Stanford and was far faster and more hardcore than either of us ever intended to be. I made some awesome friends on that team and it cemented my love of running and training.

Somehow, I let my friend convince me that we should run a half marathon. After our track season was over, we continued to run together, hitting 30+ miles a week, our long runs consisting of 9 or 10 miles at a time.

A few weeks after we graduated from high school, we headed over to Eastern Oregon and ran the Pacific Crest Half Marathon. It was a nice, flat course and I ran it in 2:04:55, a time which I was quite proud of. After that, I never wanted to run for that long ever again.

This is not my idea of a good time.

In August, I headed to college and ran on the cross country team. I was probably the slowest person on the Division III team, but I wasn’t really there to compete. I just wanted to continue to enjoy running on a team.

Then winter hit. Have you ever spent a winter in Maine? It was hard enough to walk to class, let alone go for a run. Running sort of fell of my radar then, as I struggled just to walk from one building to another. Needless to say, I didn’t last long in Maine.

What? I really like beavers, ok?

I didn’t pick up running again until a few years later. I ran off and on for fitness. I never did much with it, until one of my old teammates moved to the same school as me. We started running together and eventually we did a 5K. Our school mascot was the Beavers, so I wore a beaver tail and our school colors, just for funsies.

After that, I ran off and on. Usually only when the weather was nice, and as soon as I got busy or the weather go crappy, I stopped. I guess you could call me a fair weather runner....


Now that I am running again though, I want to keep it up. I will never be one of those people that runs every single day, or looks like Jillian Michaels, but that's not why I do it. It makes me feel strong, like I can do anything I want. 


Including eat a bag of chocolate chips...because, hey, I went for a run today.

Edible Plants: A Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

I spent the weekend at the US Fish and Wildlife National Conservation Training Center in West Virginia. All West Virginia jokes aside, it was a good weekend, filled with networking and outdoor activities. We spent one afternoon getting a taste of various career paths within the Fish and Wildlife department. This meant going outside and getting to play!

One of the sessions that I did was a wild flower identification class. I really enjoyed it, even though I am not a plant person. Let me share with you why I don't consider myself a plant person. I kill plants. I have a black thumb. I had a cactus as a child that I killed, not because I over watered it, like every other person who kills cacti. No, I under watered the damn thing. I basically forgot that it was alive. That's why I'm bad with plants.

You think you'll survive off the wildlife?
Zombie squirrel says "think again".

Regardless, I think knowing about plants is really cool. Yeah, that makes me a nerd, but so what? When the zombie apocalypse comes and I survive on edible plants, who’ll be laughing then?

During the class I took a few pictures and decided I should share with all of you. That way, you too might have a chance at survival after the world ends.

Dutchman's Breeches gets it's name from the fact that
its flowers look like pants hanging on a clothesline. 
This makes me 'squee' at the adorableness.

This is called Dutchman’s Breeches. Like many spring ephemerals(ie. flowers that come up only for a short while in the spring), it was used as a blood thinner. In the early days, people thought that after spending the winter in your cabin, eating whatever potatoes and meat that you stored, your blood was thick and needed to be thinned. Thus, the first spring plants were thought to be blood thinners and were used to help clear out all the ick that accumulated in your body after sitting on your ass all winter. Actually, this flower might be toxic, so don’t actually eat it.



The next flower is an invasive species....boo, hiss. At least it's edible though. Feel free to eat away. The leaves taste mildly like garlic. Thankfully, I didn't taste any mustard or I would have spat it out immediately. Supposedly the leaves are good as greens in a spring salad and are best when young.

The photo here shows a clump of Ramps. Honestly the grammar involving the name of this plant confuses me to no end. Can there be a single Ramp? Is it Ramps or a clump of Ramps? I have no idea.


These are basically wild leeks. If you thought the Mustard Garlic was strong then you might not like these so much. You can eat the leaves, which have a STRONG garlic taste and the root, which is white and looks very similar to a small leek or thin onion bulb, is edible as well. Eat this to keep the vampires or other survivalists away.

Here is the Cut-leafed Toothwort, so named for it's leaves and the shape of it's roots. Apparently, back in the day, common medical thought was that if a plant looked like a part of the human body, that's what it was good for. Thus, toothwort was used for, you guessed it, teeth! This plant is related to horseradish and the root has a peppery flavor when eaten raw. I cannot verify this claim, as I only ate leaves during this particular class.

 

Finally, we have the Virginia Bluebell. As far as I know, it's not edible, so I'm just including it because it's pretty. I mean, this was a class in wild flower identification, so not everything was about stuff you can put in your mouth. Heh.


Anyway, hope you enjoyed my photos. Maybe next time you get off your fat ass and go outside, you can keep an eye out for some of these plants. Then you can impress your friends when you know the names of these plants. We all know impressing your friends is really the ultimate goal for learning anything.

Energy Drinks: Now with more Aortic Shrapnel!

Some days, you just wake up in need of a caffeine buzz. Maybe you didn’t sleep well because you had something on your mind. Maybe you thought a red eye flight was a good idea and you were seated next to a screaming baby, so instead of sleeping you contemplated ways to kill yourself and everyone around you. Maybe, on your way home from work last night, you were pulled over and mistaken for a bank robber and you were taken to the local jail and thrown in a cell with Richard “Rapey” McPerson and he kept you up allllllll night. You know, with his snoring.

Meth in the workplace could lead to some serious
boosts in productivity!

Whatever the reason, you are exhausted. You need some way to make up the energy you lost from not sleeping. Meth is always an option, though it is probably frowned upon as an energy source in the work environment. If hardcore drugs aren’t an option, then you might find yourself turning to caffeine.

My preferred method of caffeine ingestion is coffee, but I know many people who don’t like coffee. They don’t like the taste, which I will admit, it took me many years to acquire a taste for. Now I drink it black. Yeah, I’m hardcore like that. Yeah, it has nothing to do with this blog, but I just wanted you to know, so shut the fuck up, this is my blog post.

Ok, maybe she's not 16, but I still get points for the level of trashy here.

Anyway, if you don’t like the taste of coffee and you are in serious need of a caffeine high, what are your options? Soda? No. You want a SERIOUS amount 

of caffeine, not a pansy, “I’m having a coke” amount of caffeine.

Energy drinks. Yeah, that’s where I am going with all of this. When normal methods of caffeine just aren’t enough, you turn to energy drinks. Unless you are a 16 year old girl and you think having a can of Rockstar in one hand makes you look cool. IT DOESNT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PRE-METH HEAD. “Yeah, I’m working on my trashy addictions at an early age.”

There are a variety of energy drinks out there, depending on your desired level of caffeine high.

Drink Name	mg of caffeine/fl. ounce	Caffeine Level
Bawls	6.7	one cup of coffee
Amp	8.93	one cup of coffee
Full Throttle	9	one cup of coffee
Monster	9.375	one cup of coffee
Red Bull	9.625	one cup of coffee
Rockstar	10	Starbucks frappuchino in a logo cup so everyone knows you are cool enough to buy coffee from Starbucks
No Name, formerly Cocaine	33.14	Rocket Fuel
5 Hour Energy	69.5	ENERGY OF THE SUN

I don't know who this Leon is, but I hope he
understands I like my burgers medium rare.

I’m going to get to my real point now. You might have noticed, through my well placed use of snide and/or sarcastic remarks, that I hate energy drinks. I think they are absolutely ridiculous. When I see teenagers walking down the street with giant cans of energy drink in their hands, I want to grab them by the ears and drag them to their homes and send them to their rooms. I realize that in my hate of energy drinks I have aged about 40 years, but I don’t care. I also realize, that as a coffee drinker, I might be a huge fucking hypocrite, but I still don’t care.

Watch out for aortic shrapnel! Someone could lose an eye.

Energy drinks are designed to give you energy in a time of need, when you are on low energy. If you are low on energy every day, then something is wrong. There is no section of the food pyramid for energy drinks, because they are NOT MEANT TO BE PART OF YOUR DAILY INTAKE OF FOOD.

You know, once upon a time, before I developed a caffeine tolerance, I would occasionally drink coffee just because it was humorous. I would buy a sugared up version of coffee and let the good times roll. I became extremely energetic and talked a mile a minute. It brought smiles to the faces of all around me, like when you get an 18 year old drunk for the first time.

Ultimately, I am a firm believer in the idea that energy drinks will make your heart explode. While that might be fun to watch, innocent bystanders could be hurt.

If you want to increase your energy level, try one of these helpful options:

Chicken puree, the foundation
of chicken nuggets. Yum.

1. Stop eating fast food. It's gross and completely empty as far as nutrients go. This means that, even though it's food, it's not really a good energy source for your body. Also, have you SEEN what that shit is made from?

2. Get off your lazy ass. Yeah. I said it. Exercise, while it burns up said energy, is also a great way to feel good and ENERGIZED. Weird, right? Do not use energy drinks to get you energized for a work out. Maybe if you were a professional athlete, but we all know you're not. So just get off your butt and go for a walk or something.

3. Eat fresh fruit. It's got like natural fruit sugars and stuff so it's easy for your body to turn that shit into energy. And you might even get a few vitamins into your system too!
4. Get into a normal sleep routine. I know it's hard, what with your weekend binge drinking and Thursday night D&D sessions that go until the wee hours of the morning, but just try. Being on a normal sleep schedule means you sleep better and feel more rested, thus, you feel less tired.
Those were my helpful hints for you! Hooray!
Did I mention I hate energy drinks?

Here's to you, Chocolate!

Why, hello there unopened bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips! I know you were purchased with chocolate chip cookies or chocolate chunk brownies in mind, but that’s just too bad. Today, you are being used for other, less noble purposes. Today, I am eating you straight out of the bag. No, it’s not a special occasion or anything. It’s just another Tuesday.

Ok, maybe it’s not just another Tuesday, but I refuse to name the stupid holiday that is being celebrated today. Instead, I will turn to chocolate to make me feel better. Which begs the question, why chocolate?

Here’s a list of some of the health benefits of chocolate. Thanks google.com!

It contains serotonin, which acts as an anti-depressant.
It contains theobromine and caffeine, which act as stimulants.
It stimulates endorphin production, which produces a feeling of pleasure.
It contains about 8x more antioxidants than strawberries.
It can help lower blood pressure and cholesterol.
(Source: http://longevity.about.com/od/lifelongnutrition/p/chocolate.htm)

Is it any wonder that women turn to chocolate? I mean, I’ve never met a man that can do all of those things for me.

A bag of chocolate can do everything a significant other could do for me and more:

Endorphins? Check.
Who needs sex to get those endorphins going? With chocolate, there’s no hassle. Guess who has to sleep in the wet spot tonight? No one, because I am sleeping alone, just me and my bag of chocolate.

Happiness? Check.
Chocolate gives me all the serotonin that I’m not getting from a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. Hooray!

Keeps me warm at night? Check.
Chocolate contains caffeine, which acts as a stimulant, gently increasing your heart rate and thus, potentially raising your body temperature. There’s not a lot of science to back that claim up, but for me, it’s definitely true. If anyone has ever seen me after three cups of coffee, I am sweaty and jittery and talking a mile a minute. The caffeine in chocolate doesn’t hit me quite so hard, but the effect is still there. Plus, chocolate helps me build fat cells to keep me nice and insulated, as well as single because I have gained 80000 pounds. Thanks, chocolate!

Makes me dinner? Check.
What? Ladies, don’t act like you’ve never eaten a dinner consisting solely of the sugar/fat category on the food pyramid.


Self esteem? Check.
When I walk into a room with my bag of chocolate, everyone is jealous. They all want a piece of my chocolate, but it’s mine, all mine.

Unconditional Love. Check.
My bag of chocolate loves me and thinks I am perfect in every way. It’s always there for me. It has to be, because it can’t drive. Thus, it can never leave me. Ever. Unless I eat it all.

Hey, you know what else chocolate can do for me? It can treat me like a lady. What do I mean by that? I mean chocolate will never raise a hand to me in anger.

I’m looking at you, Chris Brown.

Chocolate is also not disguised as a healthy food option.

Yeah, chocolate vs. salad. I’m going to go with the chocolate on this one. See, this is why I don’t eat salad. Please note that this is for THREE chocolate bars, each chocolate bar being a single serving.

Chocolate. Better than men, healthier than salad. And also, less abusive. This year, I’m giving my love to chocolate. Now...what do I get it for Valentine’s day?