Yeah, I'm spiteful like that.

Starbucks; definitely not locally owned and operated.
Image source here

This morning I went to Starbucks and got coffee. I’m not expecting you to throw a parade or anything.I drink a lot of coffee so a trip to Starbucks is not out of the ordinary.

But in truth, I hate Starbucks. Yeah, they started in Seattle and I’m from the Pacific Northwest so yay us, but I still hate them. They are a corporate chain and I would much rather go to a locally owned coffee shop that has real character. The problem is, that there aren’t that many locally owned coffee shops around. I mean, I have some in Baltimore that I go to, but out in Salisbury, the armpit of the Eastern Shore (which is really the armpit of the East Coast), I haven’t really seen one yet. Come to think of it, I haven’t even seen a Starbucks. Which is weird, because they are on every street corner. Maybe we just don’t have many corners in Salisbury. They decided to do away with them because they were too much of a temptation for prostitution and selling drugs. Or maybe nobody on the Eastern Shore drinks coffee. They don’t need to be awake because nothing really goes on out there.

So Starbucks. Sometimes, you just need some goddamn coffee. Sometimes, you wake up on your friend’s couch, after 13 hours of drinking beer and you just need some coffee before the hangover really sets in. Sometimes, you wake up on a couch in Little Italy and you want to go to a fancy Italian restaurant for some amazingly delicious and ridiculously expensive coffee, but no one is open because it’s 8:30 in the morning on a Sunday and normal people are at church or sleeping. Sometimes, you just need coffee so badly that you instead walk to Starbucks and buy a giant coffee to make you feel like a real person again. Sometimes.

Since I went to Starbucks with several people, we actually talked about coffee. One of them actually KNEW things about coffee. He ordered a dry cappuccino and it made me so happy. Not because I think cappuccinos are good or anything, but because specified how he liked his cappuccino. This might seem odd to you, but having been a barista, it is actually a big deal.

Once upon a time, when Borders was still in business, I worked at the Seattle’s Best Cafe inside the store. Hooray books and coffee, what a great combination! I love caffeinated literate people. They get shit done.

As a barista at Seattle’s Best Cafe, it drove me absolutely fucking crazy when people ordered things in what I deemed to be a stupid way. Because I want to break this blog post up and make it look like I am actually writing something interesting and important, I will make you a list of the things that drove me crazy.

Things that drove me crazy when people ordered coffee; a list.

Ordering a grande. Or a tall. Or a venti. Hello, please read the sign above the counter and tell me where you are. Is this Starbucks? No. So order a goddamn medium like a normal person and give me a tip.

This is NOT a macchiato.

Ordering a caramel macchiato. A real macchiato is espresso with a spoonful of milk foam on top. Starbucks took a caramel latte and gave it a new name so that idiots like you can pretend like you know something about coffee. So again, take a look at the sign above the counter and tell me if you’re at Starbucks. Oh, you’re not? Well order your damn caramel latte, give me a tip and go wait at the end of the counter. 

Trying to pay with a Starbucks gift card. No ma’am, I’m sorry I can’t take that. Why? Because it’s like trying to pay me with Canadian dollars. Yes, I know it’s worth something somewhere, it’s just not worth anything HERE. No, it’s not hilarious that you mixed the two places up because you are the 50th person to do it today and it wasn’t funny the first time.

Ordering a cappuccino. When you just order a cappuccino, I have to wonder what exactly you mean by that, so then I ask, wet or dry? When people give me a blank look, it makes me want to pour scalding espresso on them. A cappuccino is espresso with foam. If you like your cappuccino dry, it means all foam. If you like it wet, it means a mix of foam and milk. If you don’t know the difference between a wet and dry cappuccino, order a latte and give me a tip.

Setting books on the counter that you don’t actually want to buy. I know that it’s crazy that I want to make you pay for something that you put on the counter. It’s not like this is a retail store where these things are available for purchase. I know you are just here to pull books off the shelf, read them and then leave them on the table for someone else to clean up. Maybe you should try a library, I hear you can read everything there for free. Regardless, if it has a bar code and you set it on my counter at my register, I will try to make you pay for it. If you didn’t want to buy it, don’t put it on the counter at a register. Hold it in your hand or tell me that you don’t want to buy it.

Being rude. This is try for any interaction with people, but when you are nice to me, I want to be nice to you. When you’re rude to me, guess what? I don’t want to help you at all. If you have a problem with something, be nice. It’s a lot more likely that you’ll get you what you want. If there is something wrong with your drink, kindly let me know and I will make you a new one. If you are rude about it, I will wish horrible deaths upon you as I struggle to make your new beverage as poorly as possible with the milk that is closest to the expiration date and burned espresso. Yeah, I’m spiteful like that.

Whipped cream. Now, I actually liked getting to make drinks look fancy with whipped cream and garnishes, and I thought my caramel swirls looked pretty fantastic, but there are things you need to know when you order a drink with whipped cream. At Seattle’s Best, we are taught to leave a little room at the top of the cup. We then seal the rim with whipped cream and build up from there. This means that the whipped cream sits above the brim of your cup, usually by about an inch or so. THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN PUT A NORMAL HOT BEVERAGE CUP LID ON THIS SO PLEASE DON’T TRY. It will only end in tears and a huge mess for me to clean up. If you are in a hurry and need to put a lid on your beverage and cover up my beautiful garnishing skills, just get your drink without whipped cream.

Ask me about how the food is made. Guess what? None of that food is made on premise. It gets shipped here in boxes and lives in the giant freezer in the back until we pull it out and make it look edible. This is a corporate chain coffee shop, not a bakery. If you want freshly made pastries, go someplace else.

Ask me to reheat your coffee. Yes, hot coffee is delicious, but it doesn’t stay hot. I could be a millionaire if I invented coffee that never cooled off, but I haven’t yet. Your coffee will cool down eventually and then it’s time to man up or move on. Drink it cold or toss it out. Don’t ask me if I have a microwave, because I don’t. Even if I did, I would not reheat your coffee with it because that’s gross. Reheating coffee is on the same level as drinking instant coffee; if you do it, you are not a real coffee drinker. If you want more hot coffee, you have to fork over more cash and buy a refill. It’s like 50 goddamn cents for a refill of just straight coffee, so don’t be a cheap ass. Oh, speaking of cheap, don’t forget to tip me.

So not all of the things from this list are a direct cause of Starbucks taking over the coffee world,  but a lot of them are. Starbucks is not the end all, be all of coffee, ok people? Please just keep that in mind when you get coffee.

Oh yeah, and tip your barista, unless they really suck. There are enough Starbucks locations in the world that not everyone who works there is a good barista. In fact, I’ve had some pretty awful service....but that’s a story for another post.

How to Suck Less at Online Dating

Having just moved to a new area, I don’t know anyone. ‘However shall I get to meet new people?’ I ask myself. An online dating site is the answer, of course.

I have been a member of okcupid since 2004, though I have never seriously used it for dating purposes. The only time I met anyone from the site was in college and they invited me to a party, so of course I went. Nothing ever happened, other than I made a new facebook friend.

Where I live now is a pretty rural area. The nearest city has a population of around 30,000 people. Coming from Baltimore, where I’ve lived for the last two years, 30,000 is nothing. It’s not a situation I am unfamiliar with, as I grew up in rural Southern Oregon, but I’ve enjoyed living in Baltimore. The night life, the busyness and the endless opportunities were something I came to enjoy. Moving to a much more rural area has been a little bit of a culture shock.

So I turned to okcupid. I figured it would be a good way to meet new people and at least find some entertainment. It might also take my mind of my ex, an added bonus! Needless to say, in a town of 30,000, the pickings were slim. I don’t feel like my standards for being interested in starting a conversation with someone online are all that high. A flattering picture or two, a profile without major grammatical errors and the ability to type full words. Is that really too much to ask for? Apparently. There were a few that made it past my rigorous first round of inspections though. I decided to be bold and send several of them a message. I thought “hey, these guys should be THRILLED that a female is taking the initiative and messaging THEM”.

I was somewhat disappointed by the responses I got. I was also not too thrilled about some of the first contact messages I received from other users. After a conversation with my bestie, I was convinced to share.

Ariana: we should compile a list of men's messages on our blog and then dissect them.

"What not to say"

me: lol, seriously.

HOW TO TALK TO A GIRL ONLINE

ASK QUESTIONS

DUH

Ariana: SHE IS A GIRL

SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT HERSELF

me: That makes me sounds like a self centered bitch but it's how you keep a conversation going.

You ask questions, they answer and then ask questions, you answer and then ask more questions.

If you don't ask questions, you just stare awkwardly at each other or, if it's online, you don't get a message back.

CONVERSATION OVER

Ariana: haha

me: *cue video game music*

Ariana: i heard the death music from super mario 3

me: I am now compiling info to use on an okcupid blog post. “How to suck less at online dating.”

okcupid user:

I'm tired of trying to come up with a good attention grabber sooo....

'ello there. I'm Aaron.. lol.

Ultimately, you couldn’t even bother to come up with something interesting to say, so you just told me you couldn’t come up with something interesting to say. This tells me that you are either lazy, or not very intelligent. Neither of these things might be true, but I have very little to base my opinion of you on. Thus, if you even get a response, I will be slightly sarcastic.

me: Hi Aaron, I'm Kristen.

I'll agree that it's always a pain to come up with something to say, when you are introducing yourself to someone out of the blue. I think that's why pick up lines were invented...but I'm not sure how well those really work.

So what is it about golf that you enjoy so much? I mean, I enjoy walking as a form of exercise, but stopping to hit a ball every so often would try my patience. Mini golf, on the other hand, is a sport I can get behind, as long as there are ridiculous courses involving pirates or some sort of jungle-like terrain.

Please note that my reference to this users liking for golf was taken from his profile. Thus, I have made it clear that I read his profile AND I have asked about something he is interested in. This is how you make conversation.

The following is a message I sent to a user. I was intrigued by their profile and so I took the initiative to message them.

me:

I never know how to start a conversation like this. It's like being a telemarketer and cold calling people; I could never do it. Anyway, I liked that you started your profile off with outing yourself as a gamer geek. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with my own geekery, but I'm working on it. I also have to admit that I liked your screen name; The Fifth Element is definitely one of my all time favorite movies.

While it was hard for me to come up with something to say, I made a comparison to something in hopes of being personable, instead of being lazy. I commented on something from the user’s profile that could potentially spark future conversation and then I complimented them on their choice of user name. Pretty basic stuff.

ok cupid user:

It will definitely cull a bit more to just get my geekness out right away, though i tested more as an average joe on the geek/nerd test.

I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what to say. I usually try to work with something in the profile. Like for you, i would have issued a challenge to your belching prowess and/or commended you for your favorite movie.

As for my screen name, i was at a loss so i went with something i liked. I've gotten a few nods for the reference so i think i choose wisely.

Thank you for asking me absolutely ZERO questions. We’ve really got a great conversation going now!

If a female takes the time to actually send you a message, it means she is interested. If you want to keep the conversation going, make sure you let her know that. At least this user gets kudos for letting me know they read my profile. I did actually send a response in the hopes of again trying to get a conversation going, but having nothing to go off of makes it far less likely that someone will respond.

The following message was sent to me. I do try to check out the profiles of the users who message me, unless I think it’s a generic line they use on everyone, at which point I delete the message.

okcupid user:

Hey what's up u seem pretty cool and ur really beautiful ;) I live right outside fruitland so maybe we can chill sometime

Ok, this user already violated my ‘being able to type full words’ expectation, but he made sure to include a location near to me so I did feel like he at least looked at my profile. I figured that I could at least return the favor.

From okcupid user’s profile:

My self-summary

Im very blunt at times, at times ill roll a blunt lol but i prefer a bowl. Im the kinda guy whod rather hit a bong than a bottle. I dont like bullshit, lies, or theives! And i dont believe in 'FWB' or no strings attached! If u dont have the strings then ur ass missed out on the whole picture! Those strings are what sew the fabric of love baby! Lmao its funny but true! Ah but i just wanna meet a girl whos just like me, honest down 2 earth trustworthy loyal funny and above all else 420 friendly! ;P

There went any chance of me responding to this user’s message. Grammatical errors, inability to type full words and a new addendum to my list of expectations, references to illegal drugs on an online profile. It’s like people who used to have marijuana pictures plastered all over their myspace pages. It’s just so god damn tacky. I don’t care if you use drugs, but that’s not really something you should be posting for all to see on the Internet and it’s not how you should introduce yourself, right off the bat. Either you are a complete idiot OR your main goal in life is to be high. Neither is something I am interested in.

What have we learned from all this?

1. If a female takes the time to send you a message, it means she is interested. Go big or go home, son.

2. Proper grammar is a must. Even if you are AWFUL at typing and spelling and using commas, it doesn’t matter. Online profiles are some one's first impression of you. Make a good first impression and have someone proofread your profile, otherwise you sound like a complete idiot.

3. References to illegal drug usage on public sites is always in poor form.

4. If some one's profile impresses you enough to actually send them a message, make sure you ask questions so you create the basis for an actual conversation. It’s hard enough to talk to people you don’t know, without having to struggle to find something to talk about. Be well versed in their profile and ask them about it. People really do love to talk about themselves and it’s a great way to get to know each other a little better.

Do be aware though, if all someone does is talk about themselves and never asks questions about you, they might actually be self centered.

Having a conversation doesn’t have to be hard. Just be a thoughtful and intelligent person and most importantly, be yourself!