The 5 Albums I Just Can't Stop Listening To

Ignore the fact that I haven't posted a blog since July. I've been in a dark place. Actually, that's a lie. I've been in Hawaii and while it does rain quite a bit, when the sun does shine, it's crazy bright.

However, when you're in a "dark place" and you've already listened to The Fragile more times than is realistically healthy for someone who doesn't own bondage restraint pants and wear streaky eyeliner on the regular, it means you eventually must go out and seek new music. Not even depressing music, either. After an 8-hour Nine Inch Nails marathon, you might actually feel like you're ready to entertain sounds that don't resemble your left arm getting caught in a blender while two midgets simultaneously serenade you and shit on your chest.  (I'll admit it; We went to kind of a dark place there and I apologize.)

You might be wondering what qualifies me to review and itemize songs on the internet like some kind of musical authority. However, instead of listing my qualifications in an attempt to validate my opinion to you, I'll show this tiny picture of me punching a shark in the nose which basically proves that I am unquestionably your musical savior: 

Glad we cleared that up. 

So, here, in no particular order, are the albums that I can't get enough of and why. As an added bonus, I've compiled all the songs here on a Spotify playlist. Enjoy.

Five Albums I Think Are Pretty Rad

Artist and Album: The Beatards - I'm the DJ

Genre: Rap-pop

You'll dig it if you like. . .Gym Class Heroes, N.E.R.D and 3Oh3! (That last one will make sense if you listen to "Don't Step on My Sneakers")

If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . ."She Was Like", "Don't Step on My Sneakers", and "Worldwide".

Why I love it:  Look, the album isn't perfect, but it's the poppy, feel-good music that you want to throw in your car and play loudly as you cruise through a city and try to look too cool for school in your mom's mini-van.  I love this album because it's that rock-pop-rap that is totally unapologetic for being like Twizzlers Pull and Peel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QG_N87j65dA) - super tasty but devoid of nutrition.

Artist and Album: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis - The Heist

Genre:  Rap

You'll dig it if you like. . . Timbaland, Aesop Rock, and MC Chris jammed into a drink shaker and poured over the rocks. 

 If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . ."Can't Hold Us", "Same Love", and "Starting Over". (If you click on the playlist, "Thrift Shop" is on there too because, fuck it. I love that song and why am I limiting myself with some arbitrary number?)

Why I love it:  I had this dream once that a rapper would come on the scene that I didn't feel a little guilty about really loving. He'd have the poppy, catchy beats that are infectious (Timbaland), doesn't capitalize on being a nerd (MC Chris), and then have rhymes that are smart (Aesop) while being serious (Aesop again), and funny all at the same time (No one). Then I woke up and The Heist was all over the internet for "Same Love" and it was like Christmas came early. I love that they use real instruments interspersed with synthesized beats. They feature a lot of guests, like Ben Bridwell and Ray Dalton, and those are the kinds of collaborations that make this album stand out. Every single song is different and you'll never get that zoned-out feeling that comes with an artist that churns out an album of songs lasting 3 minutes and twenty seconds that all sound pretty much the same. (Everclear, anyone? No one? Good. They were terrible.)

Artist and Album: The Prodigy - Invaders Must Die

Genre: Electronica

You'll dig it if you like. . . Pendulum, Music to fight crime to

 If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . . "Invaders Must Die", Warrior's Dance", and "Stand Up". 

Why I love it:  If you aren't already a fan, you'll probably recognize them from fame garnered from "Smack My Bitch Up" which got a lot of static regarding censorship since it takes place in a strip club and that means naked women getting objectified. (NSFW) That, and apparently bitches were a little offended by the message or something. 

Anyway, I was a pretty big fan of Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned when it came out, but I thought that my love of The Prodigy both began and ended with that album. No so. It's rare when I can listen to an entire album repeatedly without wanting to skip a single song, but Invaders Must Die certainly fits the bill. The album is masterfully laid out and every song is worth listening to at least . . .40 times. Or so my last.fm profile tells me.

Artist and Album: Of Monsters and Men - My Head is an Animal

Genre:  Folk-Pop

You'll dig it if you like. . . Mumford and Sons, Agnes Obel, Florence & The Machine

 If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . ."Little Talks", "King and Lionheart", and "Mountain Sound".

Why I love it:  Occasionally I'll listen to a song and it will instantly become a part of me. The music evokes an overly powerful emotion, the lyrics directly correlate to my life in an unexpected way, or perhaps the song is just so catchy that it takes me by storm. In these instances, I listen to the song repeatedly. I'm not crazy. The music compels me. I see this as my musical stress test. If I can listen to a song over and over (Reportedly at 38 plays on Last.fm but I think that number is suspiciously low) http://www.last.fm/user/yaariana without getting tired of it, the song passes.  It's like finding a four leaf clover and I treasure it. "Little Talks" is that song for me, but the whole album is beautiful and I've found it the perfect companion to paper writing, drinking tea, or emerging from my "dark place".

Artist and Album: Passion Pit - Gossamer

Genre: Indie pop-dance

You'll dig it if you like. . . Metric, The Naked and Famous, and Bloc Party with an occasional infusion of The Faint

 If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . ."Carried Away", "Hideaway", and "It's Not My Fault, I'm Happy". 

Why I love it:  Passion Pit delivers. People have gripes about the singer's voice and his auto-tune but you know what? I'll give props all day to a dude that can't sing but then manages to scratch out not one but two quality albums that don't have a ton of filler tracks. I love how satisfying it is when I listen to the songs on this album. The songs build and make you feel like you could break out of some handcuffs in the back of a cop car and then start a flash mob at the county jail drunk tank. Seriously though - the album grabs you right away with "Take a Walk" which hooks you and it doesn't let you go until the final track. Your foot will tap, your head will bob, and you'll be singing at least one of the songs in the shower.

I could conclude this blog by saying that I'll totally write another one soon, but let's not delude ourselves - my motivation could wane again at any moment. Instead, I'll just ask that if you have musical suggestions, leave a comment! I'm always looking for sweet tunes.

Fashion: I Think Your Dress Has Some . . .

One of our readers (otherwise known as Kristen’s mother) sent me a picture that I just couldn’t believe I missed. If you read Is it a Bird? A Plane? A Urine-Soaked Dress? No! It's Fashion!, it’s likely that you honed in on my favorite part which was the Maggy London dress that looks like the girl had a fun night out on the town and then conveniently pissed herself all the way to 2012 Fashion Week.

In case you blocked it out, allow me to remind you:

You can now proudly display your membership
in the “I’ve pissed my pants as an adult!” club. 

I’m wondering what the designers were thinking with this one. I mean, really? REALLY?

But OK. Fine. Let’s pretend we’re there at the meeting, watching. Maybe we can try and figure out the logic behind the choice.

I imagine the designers all sitting around a glass table, drinking Starbucks coffee, looking cool and sophisticated as they’re dressed in Micheal Kors and Dolce and Gabbana. They all have light-reflecting white teeth and every single one of them has done modeling at one point in their lives.

"Hello, ladies. Or hey, fuck it. 
Hello lads."

“So, I know what the new trend for the summer is going to be”, says Ryan casually. Ryan is the executive that got his job, not based on talent or fashion know-how, but because he is very pretty and is excellent at sleeping with gorgeous models and coercing them into participating in photo-shoots. 

You know Ryan is a cool dude because he is wearing sunglasses indoors. His hair is perfect, as if he just stepped out of a manga that was drawn lovingly by a 15 year-old girl with braces and acne.  (Miraculously, he is also straight and as such, has absolutely no concept of what looks flattering on women. This does not concern him, however. In his mind, the only good woman in the world is the one that cleans his house and that's only because she is mute. Oh, and she works for table scraps. Also, he can whistle for her like a dog.)

Everyone around the table perks up. If they can get ahead of the other designers, they all might have a chance at keeping their jobs in the fall.

Ryan stands and declares, “We need something. . .edgy. We need to push the limits.”

Ideas start flooding in.

Wanda: “80’s punk rock meets the jungle!”
“Too last season.”
Hannah: “Victorian England mixed with neon!”
*scoffs*
Dan: “Hobo-couture!”
*He is escorted out of the building and is executed gang –style in front of the nearest TJMaxx. *
Candice: “Rocky meets Rocky Horror Picture Show!”
“One more outburst like that, and I’m sending you all to design for Hot Topic.”

The staff is out of ideas. They sit, breathlessly waiting for Ryan’s big reveal.

“Accidents”, he says simply.

“Like. . .caution tape? Or loud, like sirens?”,  asks Hannah.

“No,” Ryan corrects her. “Like. . .embarrassing accidents.”

“Oh! So you mean like. . .when you rip your best pair of pants and you have to make them into cut-off jeans and then sew a designer label on the back so no one knows it was a DIY project?”

Ryan pounds his fist on the table with frustration. “I mean REAL ACCIDENTS. God, do I have to do everything myself?”

With a dramatic flair, he pulls a scarf off an easel and shows the team the Maggy London Spring/Summer 2012 line.

“I call it Accidental Accidents. Ok, we might need to work on the name but this design is a GUARANTEED success!”

Next up, you’ll see this dress available in the
classic “Brown Downtown” color combination. I can’t wait. 

I rushed out to buy the original in Urine Yellow but how will I ever sleep at night knowing I missed Crimson Catastrophe?

I didn't want to directly say, "lol, looks like this dress has some period on it ha ha ha right right?"

But, uh. . .Hey! Maggy London, if you're reading this. . . 
I think your dress has some period on it.

Is it a Bird? A Plane? A Urine-Soaked Dress? No! It's Fashion!

** Note: This blog has an addendum. Go here to read it.**

You know how I said I’d do that weekly fashion column of things I like? I lied.

I lied for two reasons. The first one is that I got punched in the face with classes this semester. The second reason is because sometimes fashion is fucking ugly.

When I think of Bergdorf Goodman, I think of classy, timeless apparel. I mean, you’re probably playing $2000 for half of a gown, so you better hope it’s timeless, right? Since I’ve been trying to change my look lately, I decided to take a peek at their blog and this is what I saw as the cutting edge of fashion this week:

*ahem.*

Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “What was the designer’s inspiration for making this piece?” Apparently Reed Krakoff’s inspiration was combining all the terrible parts about the 70’s into one completely unflattering pantsuit that costs more than my car. My personal opinion is that he was originally contracted to design camouflage for the military that would allow soldiers to blend in with any kind of animal, but then they realized that was a terrible fucking idea and they fired him, forcing him to plaster his prototypes all over an emaciated, androgynous model. The fashion world has never been the same since!

I realize that designers are supposed to be edgy. That is what supposedly puts them on the map. They’re supposed to reinvent the wheel and take risks, right? If you’re on the cutting edge of fashion, you’re the person making other people ask questions. So, I present you with this dress from Maggy London:

Also available in another thrilling color combination!

The question I just asked was, “Did that young woman just wet herself?”

The sad thing is, both of those items are available via department stores.  You can buy both of them and actually wear them around.  You could be the woman every other woman is taking about as you parade around in your urine-soaked yacht attire. You could be the woman causing heads to turn and then consequentially seizure as you hit nearby pedestrians with your newly-purchased urban camouflage.

Runway fashions, on the other hand, are supposed to be slightly terrifying. When that model comes walking down the runway, you’re looking to be surprised, scared, amazed, or confused. It’s kind of like a horror movie, in the way that many of the things that are draped on a coked-out 20 something and sent strolling down the runway at Fashion Week are, in fact, horrific.

Exhibit A: 10 Crosby Derek Lam

The surprise here isn’t that strange decorative egg is popping out of a book without pages. The surprise is that no matter how you dress it up, a full length flannel shroud gown will never look attractive. Just because someone thought it might look cute covering a couch does not make it OK to use as something to cover your body.

Personally, I can't imagine a garment that flatters the female form less than this atrocity. Or, at least, I couldn't.  That was before I  found out what Chanel has put out lately. See Exhibit B. 

Exhibit B: Chanel

Ok, so before you look at the picture, you need to consider the name “Chanel”. It SOUNDS classy, doesn’t it? It’s the name in fashion synonymous with grace, elegance, and timeless fashion.  They have lovely fragrances, watches, and gorgeous handbags that they put out years ago that you see regularly today.  

So after clicking through the runway collection for Chanel, imagine my surprise when I saw this:

Before I even comment on the clothing, can we pause for a moment to ask ourselves why they transformed their runway into the Fortress of Solitude? And, if that was actually what they were going for, why is their collection completely devoid of red and blue?

So, how about that terrycloth, eh? It practically bleeds “expensive luxury” all over the floor. Then, because it’s super absorbent, it mops it all up! If it’s good enough for the spa, it’s good enough for our million dollar fashion presentation, and it’s certainly good enough for you to wear out in public. (And spend all of your hard earned dollars on it. . .)

Nothing says elegant and flattering like the flat, shapeless lines of a bath towel, so in order to dress it up we added not one, but TWO watches which are probably the last bastions of elegance left in our entire collection!

Next time I visit the subject of fashion, hopefully it will be things that don't resemble your grandmother's curtains.