Let Us Ford Rivers, Wear Gingham, and Build Planters

I mentioned, at some point, that I am living in Hawaii, taking care of a gorgeous piece of property while the owners finish out their careers and wrap up loose ends. While the land has many edibles already (macadamia nuts, passion fruit, papayas, and guavas) what it was really missing was a more savory element. I mentioned to a friend that what I really wanted was to plant some vegetables and herbs but I wasn't sure how to go about doing it while keeping out a very adorable duck and four mischievous feral chickens. 

Delicious home-grown guava!

Apparently making a planter is a lot easier than I thought. At first I was tempted to buy one premade with a minor amount of assembly required. However, it would end up being quite a bit smaller and, perhaps more importantly, I couldn't brag to everyone I meet that I actually made one myself.

After a trip to Home Depot, $43, and borrowing one power tool, we were set.

List of Materials:

6 5/8 in. x 5 1/2 in. x 6 ft cedar boards (Make sure they don't have any splits in them. Also, cut TWO of those boards in half. ($19)

1 7 or 8 ft post-like piece of wood, cut into 4 even chunks ($3)

1 inch small screws ($3)

1 1/2 inch small screws ($3)

2 long-ass PVC Pipes ($2.50 each)

Bird netting ($10)

Twine, zip-ties, string, paper clips

Dirt/soil/cinder (Free. . .? I hope?)

Ok, so this is how easy this is: (My instructions are written like I am a third grader. Pretend I am a third grader.)

1. Line up 2 6ft planks parallel to each other. Put a post at the end and line it up so it looks straight/classy.

2. Screw 2 small screws though each board into the post-like piece. Repeat on opposite side of the boards with another post thing.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED ONE SIDE OF YOUR PLANTER. SHIT YEAH, DAWG. HAVE A BEER AND CELEBRATE.

You were supposed to take that beer step seriously. 

3. As you're drinking your beer, do the exact same thing again as above so you have another side of your planter.

4. Take two half-planks of wood and line them up on either end of your planter so it looks like you're making a rectangle.(Hint: You are.)

The end of the half-planks should line up with the post-like things (and the end of the longer cedar planks).

5. Use the same small screws, 2 screws per board per side, to create the third wall of the planter.

6. Do the same thing on the other side.

OH MY GOD YOU HAVE MADE A THING, AND IT IS GLORIOUS.

So then you have the option to get real fancy and put PVC pipe on the side so you can hang bird netting over your garden.  Is that a thing you want to do? If yes. . .

7. You need to get a drill bit a tiny smidge larger than the circumference of your longer screws. You have to drill the holes in the PVC pipe first otherwise apparently things are crazy and the plastic explodes and people die. Sad.

Anyway, make 3 holes at each end of the pipe, about 2.5 inches apart. Do so for both pipes.

8. Take a long screw and screw the PVC pipe to the side of the exposed post-thing. If you're doing it right the bottom of the PVC pipe will touch the top of the long side of the cedar planks. If that doesn't make any sense, just look at the final product below and it should be clear. Use remaining other 2 screws in the pre-drilled holes.

9. Bend the PVC pipe toward the outward-facing side of the post-thing. Repeat Step 8. It should kind of look like the frame of a covered wagon. You can put on your best gingham dress and braid your hair.

Before you do that, though, make sure you do the exact same thing with the PVC pipe and the screws to the other side of the planter. Then it will REALLY look like the frame of a covered wagon.

This duck REALLY wants to be in your planter.

10. Drape some bird netting over the side of your covered wagon and tie it off with string or something. Really, whatever works for you aesthetically? Just as long as it's relatively difficult for a bird-creature to roll around in your planter and fuck up your Christmas. 

That's it! You have your planter. WE MADE THINGS. TOGETHER!

Oh, or you could figure out what to do by watching a video or something. 

My planter is 11 inches high, giving plenty of room for root vegetables if I decide that's what I want to do later.

 Plant List!

Pineapple Sage

Parsley

Sweet Basil

Trailing Rosemary

Dill

Ghost Peppers (x2)

Artichoke

Asparagus

Zucchini (Ok, so they're going to be a bit too big for the planter. Instead, I made 3 dirt mounds, put in the seeds, and I'm hoping for something glorious. I already have one sprouting!)

Spinach (From seeds)

Arugula (From seeds)

String Beans (From seeds)

Also part of the clan, but so far un-planted are:

Thornless Blackberry

Strawberries

Lavender

Coffee Plants (This is Hawaii. Of COURSE it grows well here.)

I'll (hopefully!) do an update again sometime soon to see how this works out!

Edible Plants: A Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

I spent the weekend at the US Fish and Wildlife National Conservation Training Center in West Virginia. All West Virginia jokes aside, it was a good weekend, filled with networking and outdoor activities. We spent one afternoon getting a taste of various career paths within the Fish and Wildlife department. This meant going outside and getting to play!

One of the sessions that I did was a wild flower identification class. I really enjoyed it, even though I am not a plant person. Let me share with you why I don't consider myself a plant person. I kill plants. I have a black thumb. I had a cactus as a child that I killed, not because I over watered it, like every other person who kills cacti. No, I under watered the damn thing. I basically forgot that it was alive. That's why I'm bad with plants.

You think you'll survive off the wildlife?
Zombie squirrel says "think again".

Regardless, I think knowing about plants is really cool. Yeah, that makes me a nerd, but so what? When the zombie apocalypse comes and I survive on edible plants, who’ll be laughing then?

During the class I took a few pictures and decided I should share with all of you. That way, you too might have a chance at survival after the world ends.

Dutchman's Breeches gets it's name from the fact that
its flowers look like pants hanging on a clothesline. 
This makes me 'squee' at the adorableness.

This is called Dutchman’s Breeches. Like many spring ephemerals(ie. flowers that come up only for a short while in the spring), it was used as a blood thinner. In the early days, people thought that after spending the winter in your cabin, eating whatever potatoes and meat that you stored, your blood was thick and needed to be thinned. Thus, the first spring plants were thought to be blood thinners and were used to help clear out all the ick that accumulated in your body after sitting on your ass all winter. Actually, this flower might be toxic, so don’t actually eat it.



The next flower is an invasive species....boo, hiss. At least it's edible though. Feel free to eat away. The leaves taste mildly like garlic. Thankfully, I didn't taste any mustard or I would have spat it out immediately. Supposedly the leaves are good as greens in a spring salad and are best when young.

The photo here shows a clump of Ramps. Honestly the grammar involving the name of this plant confuses me to no end. Can there be a single Ramp? Is it Ramps or a clump of Ramps? I have no idea.


These are basically wild leeks. If you thought the Mustard Garlic was strong then you might not like these so much. You can eat the leaves, which have a STRONG garlic taste and the root, which is white and looks very similar to a small leek or thin onion bulb, is edible as well. Eat this to keep the vampires or other survivalists away.

Here is the Cut-leafed Toothwort, so named for it's leaves and the shape of it's roots. Apparently, back in the day, common medical thought was that if a plant looked like a part of the human body, that's what it was good for. Thus, toothwort was used for, you guessed it, teeth! This plant is related to horseradish and the root has a peppery flavor when eaten raw. I cannot verify this claim, as I only ate leaves during this particular class.

 

Finally, we have the Virginia Bluebell. As far as I know, it's not edible, so I'm just including it because it's pretty. I mean, this was a class in wild flower identification, so not everything was about stuff you can put in your mouth. Heh.


Anyway, hope you enjoyed my photos. Maybe next time you get off your fat ass and go outside, you can keep an eye out for some of these plants. Then you can impress your friends when you know the names of these plants. We all know impressing your friends is really the ultimate goal for learning anything.