Edible Plants: A Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

I spent the weekend at the US Fish and Wildlife National Conservation Training Center in West Virginia. All West Virginia jokes aside, it was a good weekend, filled with networking and outdoor activities. We spent one afternoon getting a taste of various career paths within the Fish and Wildlife department. This meant going outside and getting to play!

One of the sessions that I did was a wild flower identification class. I really enjoyed it, even though I am not a plant person. Let me share with you why I don't consider myself a plant person. I kill plants. I have a black thumb. I had a cactus as a child that I killed, not because I over watered it, like every other person who kills cacti. No, I under watered the damn thing. I basically forgot that it was alive. That's why I'm bad with plants.

You think you'll survive off the wildlife?
Zombie squirrel says "think again".

Regardless, I think knowing about plants is really cool. Yeah, that makes me a nerd, but so what? When the zombie apocalypse comes and I survive on edible plants, who’ll be laughing then?

During the class I took a few pictures and decided I should share with all of you. That way, you too might have a chance at survival after the world ends.

Dutchman's Breeches gets it's name from the fact that
its flowers look like pants hanging on a clothesline. 
This makes me 'squee' at the adorableness.

This is called Dutchman’s Breeches. Like many spring ephemerals(ie. flowers that come up only for a short while in the spring), it was used as a blood thinner. In the early days, people thought that after spending the winter in your cabin, eating whatever potatoes and meat that you stored, your blood was thick and needed to be thinned. Thus, the first spring plants were thought to be blood thinners and were used to help clear out all the ick that accumulated in your body after sitting on your ass all winter. Actually, this flower might be toxic, so don’t actually eat it.



The next flower is an invasive species....boo, hiss. At least it's edible though. Feel free to eat away. The leaves taste mildly like garlic. Thankfully, I didn't taste any mustard or I would have spat it out immediately. Supposedly the leaves are good as greens in a spring salad and are best when young.

The photo here shows a clump of Ramps. Honestly the grammar involving the name of this plant confuses me to no end. Can there be a single Ramp? Is it Ramps or a clump of Ramps? I have no idea.


These are basically wild leeks. If you thought the Mustard Garlic was strong then you might not like these so much. You can eat the leaves, which have a STRONG garlic taste and the root, which is white and looks very similar to a small leek or thin onion bulb, is edible as well. Eat this to keep the vampires or other survivalists away.

Here is the Cut-leafed Toothwort, so named for it's leaves and the shape of it's roots. Apparently, back in the day, common medical thought was that if a plant looked like a part of the human body, that's what it was good for. Thus, toothwort was used for, you guessed it, teeth! This plant is related to horseradish and the root has a peppery flavor when eaten raw. I cannot verify this claim, as I only ate leaves during this particular class.

 

Finally, we have the Virginia Bluebell. As far as I know, it's not edible, so I'm just including it because it's pretty. I mean, this was a class in wild flower identification, so not everything was about stuff you can put in your mouth. Heh.


Anyway, hope you enjoyed my photos. Maybe next time you get off your fat ass and go outside, you can keep an eye out for some of these plants. Then you can impress your friends when you know the names of these plants. We all know impressing your friends is really the ultimate goal for learning anything.

Fashion Weekly: The Clutch

So you might have looked at the title of this post and instantly had one of two reactions:
Confusion and skepticism (You read my posts about Dungeons and Dragons, didn’t you?) 

OR 

Laughter and disbelief (You clearly know me in person).

Look, I get it. I’ll be the first one to admit that I am not the most fashionable of gals. I have a uniform. It’s jeans and a t-shirt and usually it’s paired with some kind of sweatshirt unless it’s 90 degrees outside. . . and EVEN THEN I am probably still wearing a hoodie. It isn’t that I don’t like nice things, it’s just that I’m not a fancy enough person to wear them. When I wake up in the morning and I’m faced with the world, all I want to do is crawl back in to the warm nest of blankets on top of, arguably, the most comfortable bed in the world. Instead, I crawl into the shower and then into the most comfortable clothing I can find which, amazingly enough, is always jeans and a t-shirt.

Occasionally, though, I have this impulse that says, “Dress up!” and when I do, I want to do it right. I just don’t really know how. I feel like I have a good eye for things that I like, but i have no idea why I like them.
Occasionally I find myself reading a fashion magazine or checking out an article online and my favorite ones are always when the author does comparisons between big name, expensive designers, and then the less expensive alternatives.What always makes me so angry is that none of those articles ever break down why something is awesome and why it was awarded page space in the magazine to begin with. I thought about it today and realized that since this is my blog about anything and everything, I could do a post like that every week. So, let’s get to it!

This week’s edition: The Clutch

Milly Ostrich Embossed Leather Clutch - $345.00

Why I love it: It comes in also blue, which is bright and pretty. I like the one pictured above because it could go with anything. I like the texture, the color, and the western looking stitching on the front. I feel like I could pair this with some boots and some jeans and it would be pretty fabulous. The metal screw-like accents on the corners and the clasp are shiny and they draw attention to something that would otherwise be fairly bland. Added bonus that isn’t pictured? This guy has a strap. This is basically a requirement for me since I hate holding things for longer than 10 seconds unless that thing is a baseball bat and you are a zombie, hell-bent on consuming my brainmeats.

Sadly, I don’t have $345.00 to put inside a wallet, and I certainly can’t spend that much on one.

What’s a girl to do?!
Alternative A:  Danielle Nicole Sway Clutch - $68
Small, cute, and it has the metal accents as well as the texture. The color is pretty close, although it doesn’t stand out the way the other one does. At $68, it’s a much better deal.  My issue with it is that I’m partial to the shiny silver details on the original and I need some kind of strap, otherwise I’ll lose this thing like 43 seconds after entering the bar. 
Alternative B:  Ostrich Print Clutch - Taupe - $29.99
Ok, so this might have been found at one of the sketchiest websites on the internet. This is such a designer knock-off that it doesn’t even have a designer listed. That said, it has a few things going for it: Metal accents, the ostrich texture, and the price. However, the color isn’t right and there still isn’t a strap. The description says it’s there but I’m skeptical.  How am I supposed to attach this bad boy to a piece of PVC pipe and swing it around like a mace without a strap? Fuck.  
The cheap price tag really shows here: Overly bright (read: probably plastic) metal, ugly stitching.
Alternative C:  Large Pleated Wristlet by Dooney and Bourke - $65
What?! A well known brand name for under $100?!
I finally found one with a strap, for a decent price and you know what? I hate it. Apparently what makes this particular piece for me really is the silver metal clasp. Go figure. It isn’t that this is bad. . .it’s just boring. The point of fashion is to make a statement and stand out, right? I think the point of this piece is to make sure everyone knows you stand out as the person in the room with absolutely nothing interesting to say.



Alternative D: MICHAEL Michael Kors 'Hamilton Large' Wallet - $148
Oh, Michael Kors. Why is everything you make so expensive? Why do I seem to like so many of your pieces? Why did you name your product line after yourself when you’re the designer and your name is always mentioned? I promise, no one is going forget which Michael made the classy, overpriced item they hold in their hands.
This wallet is fairly similar to the original object of my desire. It has a similar bright color, the silver metal accent, and it looks like it’s ready for my rough and tumble lifestyle (read: well made).I’m pretty sure I’ll look like a straight up baller when I roll up to the bar with my jeans, t-shirt, and this wallet.
The down sides: We’re still missing a strap and I really liked the trim on the original. If the price is going up, so do my standards. Sorry MK - you didn’t win the design style award on this particular piece. 




Conclusion:
I couldn’t find a satisfactory replacement that had a strap, the metal accents, and the attractive color. It seems as though this would be a good item to splurge on since there really isn’t anything comparable out there. I’ll start saving $5 a week, and then in a mere 69 weeks (Summer of 2013), I’ll finally have this season’s clutch. YES.

First Place: Milly Ostrich Embossed Leather Clutch - $345
Second Place: MICHAEL Michael Kors 'Hamilton Large' Wallet - $148
Third Place: Danielle Nicole Sway Clutch - $68

Bank of America Sucks

Because this is our blog, we can feature guest bloggers sometimes, particularly when those guests have an angry rant about Bank of America. If you’d like to learn more about this guest contributor, click here.

This morning I got yet another email from Bank of America alerting me that there is suspicious activity on my card. They said I could review it online, but I'd have to call them if I ever wanted to see my money again.

Thinking of my poor money being held hostage in a dark vault (unlike Mitt Romney's money that enjoys the lovely views in the Cayman Islands) I decided I should leap into action. This being the third time they have held my money hostage this month, I now have the number saved in my phone as "Bank of America Sucks".

It really does. 

I took an hour or so to try and calm down first. I did not want to scream at the representative who answered about how wonderful this "service" is. This is the same service, after all, that failed to catch fraud on my card the one time it actually happened, but since then, has many times kept me standing at the front of a line while I wait to purchase a big ticket item. I am awarded the pleasure of watching the people behind me get more and more irritated as I wait to tell the Bank of America representative, "Yes, I am in possession of my card, and I would like to stop wasting everyone's time in this store. Please turn my card on kthxbi".

I tried my best to avoid sarcasm and snark, but when I'm irritated that is no easy task. The female representative I spoke to didn't seem to mind too much about my snark, and she kindly informed me they turned off my card because someone had tried to activate a World of Warcraft account in Europe.

Totes delighted, I explained, "Yes, I play World of Warcraft. Yes, I do play WoW on the European servers, and yes, I did, in fact, already tell this to someone else when they turned it off YESTERDAY for the exact same reason.”

She turned my card back on, and I then went on my merry way, being sure to make it rain on my ho (AKA . . .giving Ariana her payment for the car I purchased from her).

Can a brotha get a hell yeah?

My only hope is that they will do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And, if I’m very lucky, the day after that. Actually, I don't think my week will be complete unless my card is turned off, forcing me to wait on hold for however long they decide to keep me there just so I can tell them (again), "Yes, I do play WoW on the Euro servers." every day this week.

BROTIP: If you are ever forced to hold for Bank of America, imagine that whoever is going to answer the call has already looked up your account information, and they are simply waiting to pick up the phone until after they can stop laughing at your misfortune. You will be surprised at how calm this makes you, and how well the interaction goes after.

- DnA

An Introduction to My Tea Snobbery...

One might ask why I am qualified to be a tea snob. Really, anyone who drinks tea on a regular basis might be a self proclaimed tea snob. Frankly though, most people who drink tea don’t know a thing about it. What qualifies me to be a tea snob is that I worked at Teavana off and on for three years. Maybe you are uninformed about the tea world and have never heard of Teavana, maybe you just don’t give a crap about tea, or maybe it’s your favorite store in the entire world. Whatever the case, Teavana is the Mecca of tea. Yes, it is a corporate chain and filled with all the bullshit of a commission based sales team, business plans and managers that make you question the decency of human beings. It is also a place where you can find over 100 different flavors of tea and a sales staff that is knowledgeable about their product. Staff are trained via the store manual, complete with three stage testing system to guarantee the staff’s familiarity with the tea and tea merchandise that they sells. For those employees that are interested in furthering their knowledge Teavana sells several books on the subjects, one of which is provided to staff upon completion of their tests.

For me personally, I loved getting the share my knowledge of tea with the clientele. I have been drinking tea off and on for years and Teavana just cemented my love for the tea. It also reminded me of why I never want to work in retail, especially in a commission based position. Aside from all the corporate and managerial bull shit, I still enjoyed my time there and feel that I have a vast knowledge of tea and tea merchandise. I’ll try not to sell you any teapots, but I can’t promise anything.

Now to share some sweet tea facts with you;

Tea Fact #1: All true tea comes from the same plant, Camellia sinensus.

The difference between white, green, black and oolong tea is how the leaves of the plant are processed. In the order listed, they are each processed slightly more, gaining caffeine along the way. In white tea, the leaves are simply picked and dried and have almost no caffeine. Black tea is picked, withered, rolled, fermented and fired to stop the fermentation process and dry the leaves. A cup of black tea contains as much as 20% of the caffeine of a cup of coffee.

Tea Fact #2: Herbal teas contain no tea!

That’s what makes them herbal, the fact that they are made from herbs and other things including dried fruit. They typically contain no caffeine, unless your tea is made with guarana or red bull and vodka.

Tea Fact #3: Drinking black tea with milk in it may reduce its potential health benefits.

Catechin is a compound found in black tea that is thought to help promote heart health. The casein proteins in animal milk bind to catechins, making them less potent.

Sometimes, you just need a cup of tea with cream and sugar in it, but if you can’t enjoy your tea without it, you’re missing out. A good tea can be just as complex as any wine and far more temperamental than coffee when it comes to brewing.

If your tea tastes bitter, you’re doing it wrong.