Fashion: I Think Your Dress Has Some . . .

One of our readers (otherwise known as Kristen’s mother) sent me a picture that I just couldn’t believe I missed. If you read Is it a Bird? A Plane? A Urine-Soaked Dress? No! It's Fashion!, it’s likely that you honed in on my favorite part which was the Maggy London dress that looks like the girl had a fun night out on the town and then conveniently pissed herself all the way to 2012 Fashion Week.

In case you blocked it out, allow me to remind you:

You can now proudly display your membership
in the “I’ve pissed my pants as an adult!” club. 

I’m wondering what the designers were thinking with this one. I mean, really? REALLY?

But OK. Fine. Let’s pretend we’re there at the meeting, watching. Maybe we can try and figure out the logic behind the choice.

I imagine the designers all sitting around a glass table, drinking Starbucks coffee, looking cool and sophisticated as they’re dressed in Micheal Kors and Dolce and Gabbana. They all have light-reflecting white teeth and every single one of them has done modeling at one point in their lives.

"Hello, ladies. Or hey, fuck it. 
Hello lads."

“So, I know what the new trend for the summer is going to be”, says Ryan casually. Ryan is the executive that got his job, not based on talent or fashion know-how, but because he is very pretty and is excellent at sleeping with gorgeous models and coercing them into participating in photo-shoots. 

You know Ryan is a cool dude because he is wearing sunglasses indoors. His hair is perfect, as if he just stepped out of a manga that was drawn lovingly by a 15 year-old girl with braces and acne.  (Miraculously, he is also straight and as such, has absolutely no concept of what looks flattering on women. This does not concern him, however. In his mind, the only good woman in the world is the one that cleans his house and that's only because she is mute. Oh, and she works for table scraps. Also, he can whistle for her like a dog.)

Everyone around the table perks up. If they can get ahead of the other designers, they all might have a chance at keeping their jobs in the fall.

Ryan stands and declares, “We need something. . .edgy. We need to push the limits.”

Ideas start flooding in.

Wanda: “80’s punk rock meets the jungle!”
“Too last season.”
Hannah: “Victorian England mixed with neon!”
*scoffs*
Dan: “Hobo-couture!”
*He is escorted out of the building and is executed gang –style in front of the nearest TJMaxx. *
Candice: “Rocky meets Rocky Horror Picture Show!”
“One more outburst like that, and I’m sending you all to design for Hot Topic.”

The staff is out of ideas. They sit, breathlessly waiting for Ryan’s big reveal.

“Accidents”, he says simply.

“Like. . .caution tape? Or loud, like sirens?”,  asks Hannah.

“No,” Ryan corrects her. “Like. . .embarrassing accidents.”

“Oh! So you mean like. . .when you rip your best pair of pants and you have to make them into cut-off jeans and then sew a designer label on the back so no one knows it was a DIY project?”

Ryan pounds his fist on the table with frustration. “I mean REAL ACCIDENTS. God, do I have to do everything myself?”

With a dramatic flair, he pulls a scarf off an easel and shows the team the Maggy London Spring/Summer 2012 line.

“I call it Accidental Accidents. Ok, we might need to work on the name but this design is a GUARANTEED success!”

Next up, you’ll see this dress available in the
classic “Brown Downtown” color combination. I can’t wait. 

I rushed out to buy the original in Urine Yellow but how will I ever sleep at night knowing I missed Crimson Catastrophe?

I didn't want to directly say, "lol, looks like this dress has some period on it ha ha ha right right?"

But, uh. . .Hey! Maggy London, if you're reading this. . . 
I think your dress has some period on it.

Is it a Bird? A Plane? A Urine-Soaked Dress? No! It's Fashion!

** Note: This blog has an addendum. Go here to read it.**

You know how I said I’d do that weekly fashion column of things I like? I lied.

I lied for two reasons. The first one is that I got punched in the face with classes this semester. The second reason is because sometimes fashion is fucking ugly.

When I think of Bergdorf Goodman, I think of classy, timeless apparel. I mean, you’re probably playing $2000 for half of a gown, so you better hope it’s timeless, right? Since I’ve been trying to change my look lately, I decided to take a peek at their blog and this is what I saw as the cutting edge of fashion this week:

*ahem.*

Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “What was the designer’s inspiration for making this piece?” Apparently Reed Krakoff’s inspiration was combining all the terrible parts about the 70’s into one completely unflattering pantsuit that costs more than my car. My personal opinion is that he was originally contracted to design camouflage for the military that would allow soldiers to blend in with any kind of animal, but then they realized that was a terrible fucking idea and they fired him, forcing him to plaster his prototypes all over an emaciated, androgynous model. The fashion world has never been the same since!

I realize that designers are supposed to be edgy. That is what supposedly puts them on the map. They’re supposed to reinvent the wheel and take risks, right? If you’re on the cutting edge of fashion, you’re the person making other people ask questions. So, I present you with this dress from Maggy London:

Also available in another thrilling color combination!

The question I just asked was, “Did that young woman just wet herself?”

The sad thing is, both of those items are available via department stores.  You can buy both of them and actually wear them around.  You could be the woman every other woman is taking about as you parade around in your urine-soaked yacht attire. You could be the woman causing heads to turn and then consequentially seizure as you hit nearby pedestrians with your newly-purchased urban camouflage.

Runway fashions, on the other hand, are supposed to be slightly terrifying. When that model comes walking down the runway, you’re looking to be surprised, scared, amazed, or confused. It’s kind of like a horror movie, in the way that many of the things that are draped on a coked-out 20 something and sent strolling down the runway at Fashion Week are, in fact, horrific.

Exhibit A: 10 Crosby Derek Lam

The surprise here isn’t that strange decorative egg is popping out of a book without pages. The surprise is that no matter how you dress it up, a full length flannel shroud gown will never look attractive. Just because someone thought it might look cute covering a couch does not make it OK to use as something to cover your body.

Personally, I can't imagine a garment that flatters the female form less than this atrocity. Or, at least, I couldn't.  That was before I  found out what Chanel has put out lately. See Exhibit B. 

Exhibit B: Chanel

Ok, so before you look at the picture, you need to consider the name “Chanel”. It SOUNDS classy, doesn’t it? It’s the name in fashion synonymous with grace, elegance, and timeless fashion.  They have lovely fragrances, watches, and gorgeous handbags that they put out years ago that you see regularly today.  

So after clicking through the runway collection for Chanel, imagine my surprise when I saw this:

Before I even comment on the clothing, can we pause for a moment to ask ourselves why they transformed their runway into the Fortress of Solitude? And, if that was actually what they were going for, why is their collection completely devoid of red and blue?

So, how about that terrycloth, eh? It practically bleeds “expensive luxury” all over the floor. Then, because it’s super absorbent, it mops it all up! If it’s good enough for the spa, it’s good enough for our million dollar fashion presentation, and it’s certainly good enough for you to wear out in public. (And spend all of your hard earned dollars on it. . .)

Nothing says elegant and flattering like the flat, shapeless lines of a bath towel, so in order to dress it up we added not one, but TWO watches which are probably the last bastions of elegance left in our entire collection!

Next time I visit the subject of fashion, hopefully it will be things that don't resemble your grandmother's curtains. 

Women Are Crazy.

It's time for round 2 of dating advice from me! 

This helpful advice is for the menfolks, as most of my advice is. Menfolk; bitches be crazy.

That’s it. That’s my advice.

I’m serious though, women are crazy. We are actually bat shit insane. Most of us though, are fairly good at hiding our insanity. It’s still there though, lurking beneath the surface....

For instance!

We like men who are assholes. I have no idea what it is about assholes, but damn. When some dude can’t even deign to give me the time of day, it gets me hot. It must be something about wanting what you can’t have or some bullshit like that. When men ignore me, it drives me wild. I’m actually only being a little sarcastic here because it’s true. Maybe not to that extent, but men who express interest but are then standoffish or run hot and cold tend to make me more interested than a guy who is all about me. Really, if a guy is all about me, I assume something is wrong with him because I’m crazy.

Yes, even the most self assured woman is secretly filled with self doubt. Anyone who is interested in us must be blind in one eye and really, really desperate and everyone knows desperation is not an attractive characteristic.

Yes, even the most beautiful of women
 can be ugly in the right light.

So the fact that we are really secretly filled with self doubt is another sign of our craziness. Some of this self doubt has to do with our physical appearance. We are extremely self conscious of our looks. I realize that I have attractive features and sometimes, if the lighting is just right, I can actually look ‘pretty’. 


When men tell me I am attractive, I assume the lighting is in that ‘just right’ state and they’ll eventually realize how unflattering the rest of the world looks on me.


I am also aware that most of this is in my head. I had a roommate who had long, curly hair that was absolutely gorgeous. Many days, she would complain about her hair. “Oh it’s all fluffy today!” she would cry. When I looked at her hair, it looked exactly the same as it always did to me; perfect. She would then spend the next hour alternately spraying, styling and gelling her hair, the end result being that it looked exactly the same to me.

Another example!

When we actually manage to get over our self doubt enough to land us a man, that’s when the real crazy sets in. If we allow ourselves to admit that we actually like someone enough that we want to keep them around, the most ridiculous, absolutely insane thought pops into our heads. 

It worked! Now he can never, ever leave meeeeeee!!!

Are you ready for this?


“Oh my god, he’s going to leave me, how can I get him to stay? I know, I’ll get pregnant!”

Yes, this is absolutely crazy. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t gone through the head of your significant other/friend/mother at some point in time. Just because women have this thought, doesn’t mean they act on it, but it’s still there. Most women realize how insane thoughts like that are....but I’m sure we can all agree that a few women actually manage to pull this off....

Really, we are all crazy. There’s no help for it. Men, there’s nothing you can do to combat the craziness, but you can be aware that it exists and be patient with us. When we are ready, we’ll share it with you...hopefully little by little, in small, manageable doses. Unless you get us drunk. Then you take matters into your own hands. Alcohol is a first class ticket on the crazy train! Hooray!

Beep beep, it's the crazy train!