The Christmas Shopping Dilemma

Gifts for all those little shitheads are expensive. At least
Santa's not selling himself...

Oh Christmas.

'Tis the season for excessive amounts of shopping.

Don't get me wrong, I like a little retail therapy now and then, but I work very hard to ignore most of my materialistic urges. Saving money is important to me. It's why devote my weekends to my second job.

But then Christmas comes along.

I want to give people meaningful gifts. Gifts I think they will actually use and enjoy. Sometimes, that means I can make things for people, other times, it means buying something.


When it comes to making purchases though, I have been trying to shift towards more local shopping. When it comes to Christmas though, that's really difficult. Yes, there are a few boutique stores that are locally owned an operated, but what about when I want to make stuff?

So here's my dilemma. I heard a statistic once (and we all know how TOTALLY RELIABLE those are) about where your dollar goes depending on where you shop. If you shop locally, about 100% of your dollar stays in your community, 13% for big box stores/chains and basically 0% for online shopping. Clearly, there's no way 100% of the money a local store makes stays local (uhhhh,  what about the utilities they have to pay and the materials they make whatever crap they are selling out of??), but you get the idea. Shopping local means more money staying local.

Was this lettuce locally grown or are you just a local vendor?

Ok, so shopping local is great. I did a bit of it, getting presents through my workplace (which is locally owned and operated and involves some very awesome people) and a few local boutiques. Great. So what about the presents I want to hand make?

I am very crafty. I like to make things. Knitting, beading, baking....whatever. But all of those things involve materials. While I am totally down to support local businesses, there has to be a line somewhere. The only way I can make knitting time/cost effective, is to buy my yarn at Michael's or some other giant box store that sells crafty crap. See, you can go to Target and buy a damn scarf for like $10-$20. It costs about $7 in yarn to make one. If I bought my yarn locally, from a local hobby shop or even a local weaver, it would cost a lot more. The whole point of making people gifts is that it's cheaper! And you know, some bullshit about homemade and from the heart blah blah blah, but really it's cheaper.

Ok, so yarn and other craft supplies are out. How about baking? Well, since there are no locally owned grocery stores around here that I know of, I'm kind of out of luck there. Damn you, Nestle chocolate chips, you win again.

You mean, I could be doing all my Christmas shopping,
 without even getting dressed?!?

At least like 13% of my dollar stays local, right? And it's better than shopping online....


These are the kind of justifications I make to myself.

The 5 Albums I Just Can't Stop Listening To

Ignore the fact that I haven't posted a blog since July. I've been in a dark place. Actually, that's a lie. I've been in Hawaii and while it does rain quite a bit, when the sun does shine, it's crazy bright.

However, when you're in a "dark place" and you've already listened to The Fragile more times than is realistically healthy for someone who doesn't own bondage restraint pants and wear streaky eyeliner on the regular, it means you eventually must go out and seek new music. Not even depressing music, either. After an 8-hour Nine Inch Nails marathon, you might actually feel like you're ready to entertain sounds that don't resemble your left arm getting caught in a blender while two midgets simultaneously serenade you and shit on your chest.  (I'll admit it; We went to kind of a dark place there and I apologize.)

You might be wondering what qualifies me to review and itemize songs on the internet like some kind of musical authority. However, instead of listing my qualifications in an attempt to validate my opinion to you, I'll show this tiny picture of me punching a shark in the nose which basically proves that I am unquestionably your musical savior: 

Glad we cleared that up. 

So, here, in no particular order, are the albums that I can't get enough of and why. As an added bonus, I've compiled all the songs here on a Spotify playlist. Enjoy.

Five Albums I Think Are Pretty Rad

Artist and Album: The Beatards - I'm the DJ

Genre: Rap-pop

You'll dig it if you like. . .Gym Class Heroes, N.E.R.D and 3Oh3! (That last one will make sense if you listen to "Don't Step on My Sneakers")

If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . ."She Was Like", "Don't Step on My Sneakers", and "Worldwide".

Why I love it:  Look, the album isn't perfect, but it's the poppy, feel-good music that you want to throw in your car and play loudly as you cruise through a city and try to look too cool for school in your mom's mini-van.  I love this album because it's that rock-pop-rap that is totally unapologetic for being like Twizzlers Pull and Peel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QG_N87j65dA) - super tasty but devoid of nutrition.

Artist and Album: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis - The Heist

Genre:  Rap

You'll dig it if you like. . . Timbaland, Aesop Rock, and MC Chris jammed into a drink shaker and poured over the rocks. 

 If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . ."Can't Hold Us", "Same Love", and "Starting Over". (If you click on the playlist, "Thrift Shop" is on there too because, fuck it. I love that song and why am I limiting myself with some arbitrary number?)

Why I love it:  I had this dream once that a rapper would come on the scene that I didn't feel a little guilty about really loving. He'd have the poppy, catchy beats that are infectious (Timbaland), doesn't capitalize on being a nerd (MC Chris), and then have rhymes that are smart (Aesop) while being serious (Aesop again), and funny all at the same time (No one). Then I woke up and The Heist was all over the internet for "Same Love" and it was like Christmas came early. I love that they use real instruments interspersed with synthesized beats. They feature a lot of guests, like Ben Bridwell and Ray Dalton, and those are the kinds of collaborations that make this album stand out. Every single song is different and you'll never get that zoned-out feeling that comes with an artist that churns out an album of songs lasting 3 minutes and twenty seconds that all sound pretty much the same. (Everclear, anyone? No one? Good. They were terrible.)

Artist and Album: The Prodigy - Invaders Must Die

Genre: Electronica

You'll dig it if you like. . . Pendulum, Music to fight crime to

 If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . . "Invaders Must Die", Warrior's Dance", and "Stand Up". 

Why I love it:  If you aren't already a fan, you'll probably recognize them from fame garnered from "Smack My Bitch Up" which got a lot of static regarding censorship since it takes place in a strip club and that means naked women getting objectified. (NSFW) That, and apparently bitches were a little offended by the message or something. 

Anyway, I was a pretty big fan of Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned when it came out, but I thought that my love of The Prodigy both began and ended with that album. No so. It's rare when I can listen to an entire album repeatedly without wanting to skip a single song, but Invaders Must Die certainly fits the bill. The album is masterfully laid out and every song is worth listening to at least . . .40 times. Or so my last.fm profile tells me.

Artist and Album: Of Monsters and Men - My Head is an Animal

Genre:  Folk-Pop

You'll dig it if you like. . . Mumford and Sons, Agnes Obel, Florence & The Machine

 If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . ."Little Talks", "King and Lionheart", and "Mountain Sound".

Why I love it:  Occasionally I'll listen to a song and it will instantly become a part of me. The music evokes an overly powerful emotion, the lyrics directly correlate to my life in an unexpected way, or perhaps the song is just so catchy that it takes me by storm. In these instances, I listen to the song repeatedly. I'm not crazy. The music compels me. I see this as my musical stress test. If I can listen to a song over and over (Reportedly at 38 plays on Last.fm but I think that number is suspiciously low) http://www.last.fm/user/yaariana without getting tired of it, the song passes.  It's like finding a four leaf clover and I treasure it. "Little Talks" is that song for me, but the whole album is beautiful and I've found it the perfect companion to paper writing, drinking tea, or emerging from my "dark place".

Artist and Album: Passion Pit - Gossamer

Genre: Indie pop-dance

You'll dig it if you like. . . Metric, The Naked and Famous, and Bloc Party with an occasional infusion of The Faint

 If you only listen to three songs, make sure they're. . ."Carried Away", "Hideaway", and "It's Not My Fault, I'm Happy". 

Why I love it:  Passion Pit delivers. People have gripes about the singer's voice and his auto-tune but you know what? I'll give props all day to a dude that can't sing but then manages to scratch out not one but two quality albums that don't have a ton of filler tracks. I love how satisfying it is when I listen to the songs on this album. The songs build and make you feel like you could break out of some handcuffs in the back of a cop car and then start a flash mob at the county jail drunk tank. Seriously though - the album grabs you right away with "Take a Walk" which hooks you and it doesn't let you go until the final track. Your foot will tap, your head will bob, and you'll be singing at least one of the songs in the shower.

I could conclude this blog by saying that I'll totally write another one soon, but let's not delude ourselves - my motivation could wane again at any moment. Instead, I'll just ask that if you have musical suggestions, leave a comment! I'm always looking for sweet tunes.

A few thoughts on Rick Santorum.

I have been wanting to throw my two cents in on the whole Rick Santorum thing. I have been thinking about what form this should take. In 10th grade English, we had to write a satire, after having read In The Pond by Ha Jin. I chose to write my satire about John Ashcroft. I wrote it as a debate, which completely devolved into me just taking cheap shots at him by the end of my 5 page masterpiece. I honestly have no idea if it was really any good, but I thought it was hilarious.

The fact that I chose something political to write about, is rather odd, considering that I am not very political. It’s just that I don’t live under a rock, so I do hear about major things in politics, especially really out there political characters. Think Sarah Palin. When I hear about people like that, I can’t help but be filled with hate for their idiocy. Oddly enough, all of these political characters happen to be conservative.

I don’t define myself as a Democrat but I am extremely liberal when it comes to social issues. I am so un-political that I don’t even know what to call myself. I was registered as an Independent, until the state of Maryland did away with that and now I am just unassociated. I guess that’s what I am. Unassociated.

I also happen to be a feminist. I know people have this stereotype they associate with that word and it’s almost always negative. Like everyone who is a feminist is a radical, hairy-legged psychopath. I believe in this crazy idea that women should have the right to vote and get paid the same as men. Ridiculous, right? Believing in these things doesn’t mean I can’t shave my armpits or that I have to have dreads. I wear bras instead of burning them.

Who ever made this really gets me. Taken from this site.

 My radical political leanings towards feminism and social equality means that people like Rick Santorum make my Hate-O-Meter go off the charts.


I’d like to share an excerpt from Rick Santorum’s book, It Takes a Family. I added a few comments.

So what is the liberal definition of freedom? It is the freedom to be and to do whatever we want- freedom to choose, irrespective of the choice, freedom without limits (with the obligatory caveat that you can’t hurt anyone else directly). What then, is the conservative definition of freedom? Freedom to choose only from a few, pre-selected choices?
But someone always gets hurt when masses of individuals do what is only in their own self-interest. That is the great lie of liberal freedom, or as I like to say, “No-Fault Freedom” (all the choice, none of the responsibility). When I listen to the rock group U2’s latest hit “Vertigo” which criticizes the dizzying culture surrounding us, a chill goes through me when Bono sings (Are you and Bono really on a first name basis?), in a satanic voice, “All of this, all of this can be yours-just give me what I want and no one gets hurt.” Thank you for clarifying that he said that line in a ‘satanic’ voice. Way to throw a pop culture reference in there, it shows you can really connect with the younger generation that...listens to U2. Right.

No one gets hurt? Believers in No-Fault Freedom turn a blind eye to the damage such a notion of freedom causes not to this or that individual but to society as a whole. We have sexual freedom; and the resulting debasement of women, mental illness, and an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases causing infertility, cancer, even death. Yes, this is what happens when you allow women to have sexual freedom, they turn into sluts and everyone gets AIDS and dies.
Adults have freedom to divorce (No-Fault) when it suits them: and too many children end up being scarred for life. Divorce scars children. It is something they can never recover from. In fact, anytime someone mentions the D word around me, I curl up in a ball and start rocking back and forth muttering ‘Mommy and Daddy still love me’ over and over.
This is but a taste of the collateral damage inflicted on society, families, and individuals by No-Fault Freedom.

Another quote from his book:

For some parents, the purported need to provide things for their children simply provides a convenient rationalization for pursuing a gratifying career outside the home.

Apparently, women who pursue careers outside of the home are buying into the lie that their success can only be measured by their career. He claims that families can get by on a single income. Granted, his wife quit her job in nursing to be a stay at home mom and take care of their seven children, but not all of us earn upwards of $900,000 a year.


So basically, divorce is bad, sex is bad and people can’t handle the freedom to make their own decisions. Sounds like an awesome platform to run on, when attempting to become the leader of the free world.

Ok, so here’s a dude who thinks that we can’t make decisions for ourselves, that we need someone telling us how to live our lives. No wonder he’s Catholic. Gosh, if I didn’t have the bible telling me what I can and can’t do, I would just be a crackhead living on the streets, selling my body for dope.

Clearly, I want someone running this country who thinks that I can’t handle decision making. What that ultimately means is he will take away all decision making power of the average citizen, thinking that he knows best. Clearly, he is such a roll model to us all, I mean, have you seen the news recently? His poor record of charitable giving, calling President Obama a snob for wanting everyone to have the opportunity for higher education, his extremely conservative views on birth control and women’s rights are all issues that have been in the news lately. I suppose if you believe you are the ‘underdog’ of the campaign, no news is bad news and maybe being controversial is helping keep his campaign afloat.

Look, he's such a snob he was
made into art!

Imagine though, if he has the nerve to call President Obama a ‘snob’, what will he say about other world leaders? Right now he’s just some ex-senator and a presidential hopeful. What happens if he becomes the president of the United States and he flippantly calls the Queen of England a ‘bitch’? Would that be enough to spark World War III?

Personally, if Rick Santorum called me a bitch, I’d take it as a compliment.

Yeah, I'm spiteful like that.

Starbucks; definitely not locally owned and operated.
Image source here

This morning I went to Starbucks and got coffee. I’m not expecting you to throw a parade or anything.I drink a lot of coffee so a trip to Starbucks is not out of the ordinary.

But in truth, I hate Starbucks. Yeah, they started in Seattle and I’m from the Pacific Northwest so yay us, but I still hate them. They are a corporate chain and I would much rather go to a locally owned coffee shop that has real character. The problem is, that there aren’t that many locally owned coffee shops around. I mean, I have some in Baltimore that I go to, but out in Salisbury, the armpit of the Eastern Shore (which is really the armpit of the East Coast), I haven’t really seen one yet. Come to think of it, I haven’t even seen a Starbucks. Which is weird, because they are on every street corner. Maybe we just don’t have many corners in Salisbury. They decided to do away with them because they were too much of a temptation for prostitution and selling drugs. Or maybe nobody on the Eastern Shore drinks coffee. They don’t need to be awake because nothing really goes on out there.

So Starbucks. Sometimes, you just need some goddamn coffee. Sometimes, you wake up on your friend’s couch, after 13 hours of drinking beer and you just need some coffee before the hangover really sets in. Sometimes, you wake up on a couch in Little Italy and you want to go to a fancy Italian restaurant for some amazingly delicious and ridiculously expensive coffee, but no one is open because it’s 8:30 in the morning on a Sunday and normal people are at church or sleeping. Sometimes, you just need coffee so badly that you instead walk to Starbucks and buy a giant coffee to make you feel like a real person again. Sometimes.

Since I went to Starbucks with several people, we actually talked about coffee. One of them actually KNEW things about coffee. He ordered a dry cappuccino and it made me so happy. Not because I think cappuccinos are good or anything, but because specified how he liked his cappuccino. This might seem odd to you, but having been a barista, it is actually a big deal.

Once upon a time, when Borders was still in business, I worked at the Seattle’s Best Cafe inside the store. Hooray books and coffee, what a great combination! I love caffeinated literate people. They get shit done.

As a barista at Seattle’s Best Cafe, it drove me absolutely fucking crazy when people ordered things in what I deemed to be a stupid way. Because I want to break this blog post up and make it look like I am actually writing something interesting and important, I will make you a list of the things that drove me crazy.

Things that drove me crazy when people ordered coffee; a list.

Ordering a grande. Or a tall. Or a venti. Hello, please read the sign above the counter and tell me where you are. Is this Starbucks? No. So order a goddamn medium like a normal person and give me a tip.

This is NOT a macchiato.

Ordering a caramel macchiato. A real macchiato is espresso with a spoonful of milk foam on top. Starbucks took a caramel latte and gave it a new name so that idiots like you can pretend like you know something about coffee. So again, take a look at the sign above the counter and tell me if you’re at Starbucks. Oh, you’re not? Well order your damn caramel latte, give me a tip and go wait at the end of the counter. 

Trying to pay with a Starbucks gift card. No ma’am, I’m sorry I can’t take that. Why? Because it’s like trying to pay me with Canadian dollars. Yes, I know it’s worth something somewhere, it’s just not worth anything HERE. No, it’s not hilarious that you mixed the two places up because you are the 50th person to do it today and it wasn’t funny the first time.

Ordering a cappuccino. When you just order a cappuccino, I have to wonder what exactly you mean by that, so then I ask, wet or dry? When people give me a blank look, it makes me want to pour scalding espresso on them. A cappuccino is espresso with foam. If you like your cappuccino dry, it means all foam. If you like it wet, it means a mix of foam and milk. If you don’t know the difference between a wet and dry cappuccino, order a latte and give me a tip.

Setting books on the counter that you don’t actually want to buy. I know that it’s crazy that I want to make you pay for something that you put on the counter. It’s not like this is a retail store where these things are available for purchase. I know you are just here to pull books off the shelf, read them and then leave them on the table for someone else to clean up. Maybe you should try a library, I hear you can read everything there for free. Regardless, if it has a bar code and you set it on my counter at my register, I will try to make you pay for it. If you didn’t want to buy it, don’t put it on the counter at a register. Hold it in your hand or tell me that you don’t want to buy it.

Being rude. This is try for any interaction with people, but when you are nice to me, I want to be nice to you. When you’re rude to me, guess what? I don’t want to help you at all. If you have a problem with something, be nice. It’s a lot more likely that you’ll get you what you want. If there is something wrong with your drink, kindly let me know and I will make you a new one. If you are rude about it, I will wish horrible deaths upon you as I struggle to make your new beverage as poorly as possible with the milk that is closest to the expiration date and burned espresso. Yeah, I’m spiteful like that.

Whipped cream. Now, I actually liked getting to make drinks look fancy with whipped cream and garnishes, and I thought my caramel swirls looked pretty fantastic, but there are things you need to know when you order a drink with whipped cream. At Seattle’s Best, we are taught to leave a little room at the top of the cup. We then seal the rim with whipped cream and build up from there. This means that the whipped cream sits above the brim of your cup, usually by about an inch or so. THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN PUT A NORMAL HOT BEVERAGE CUP LID ON THIS SO PLEASE DON’T TRY. It will only end in tears and a huge mess for me to clean up. If you are in a hurry and need to put a lid on your beverage and cover up my beautiful garnishing skills, just get your drink without whipped cream.

Ask me about how the food is made. Guess what? None of that food is made on premise. It gets shipped here in boxes and lives in the giant freezer in the back until we pull it out and make it look edible. This is a corporate chain coffee shop, not a bakery. If you want freshly made pastries, go someplace else.

Ask me to reheat your coffee. Yes, hot coffee is delicious, but it doesn’t stay hot. I could be a millionaire if I invented coffee that never cooled off, but I haven’t yet. Your coffee will cool down eventually and then it’s time to man up or move on. Drink it cold or toss it out. Don’t ask me if I have a microwave, because I don’t. Even if I did, I would not reheat your coffee with it because that’s gross. Reheating coffee is on the same level as drinking instant coffee; if you do it, you are not a real coffee drinker. If you want more hot coffee, you have to fork over more cash and buy a refill. It’s like 50 goddamn cents for a refill of just straight coffee, so don’t be a cheap ass. Oh, speaking of cheap, don’t forget to tip me.

So not all of the things from this list are a direct cause of Starbucks taking over the coffee world,  but a lot of them are. Starbucks is not the end all, be all of coffee, ok people? Please just keep that in mind when you get coffee.

Oh yeah, and tip your barista, unless they really suck. There are enough Starbucks locations in the world that not everyone who works there is a good barista. In fact, I’ve had some pretty awful service....but that’s a story for another post.

An Introduction to My Tea Snobbery...

One might ask why I am qualified to be a tea snob. Really, anyone who drinks tea on a regular basis might be a self proclaimed tea snob. Frankly though, most people who drink tea don’t know a thing about it. What qualifies me to be a tea snob is that I worked at Teavana off and on for three years. Maybe you are uninformed about the tea world and have never heard of Teavana, maybe you just don’t give a crap about tea, or maybe it’s your favorite store in the entire world. Whatever the case, Teavana is the Mecca of tea. Yes, it is a corporate chain and filled with all the bullshit of a commission based sales team, business plans and managers that make you question the decency of human beings. It is also a place where you can find over 100 different flavors of tea and a sales staff that is knowledgeable about their product. Staff are trained via the store manual, complete with three stage testing system to guarantee the staff’s familiarity with the tea and tea merchandise that they sells. For those employees that are interested in furthering their knowledge Teavana sells several books on the subjects, one of which is provided to staff upon completion of their tests.

For me personally, I loved getting the share my knowledge of tea with the clientele. I have been drinking tea off and on for years and Teavana just cemented my love for the tea. It also reminded me of why I never want to work in retail, especially in a commission based position. Aside from all the corporate and managerial bull shit, I still enjoyed my time there and feel that I have a vast knowledge of tea and tea merchandise. I’ll try not to sell you any teapots, but I can’t promise anything.

Now to share some sweet tea facts with you;

Tea Fact #1: All true tea comes from the same plant, Camellia sinensus.

The difference between white, green, black and oolong tea is how the leaves of the plant are processed. In the order listed, they are each processed slightly more, gaining caffeine along the way. In white tea, the leaves are simply picked and dried and have almost no caffeine. Black tea is picked, withered, rolled, fermented and fired to stop the fermentation process and dry the leaves. A cup of black tea contains as much as 20% of the caffeine of a cup of coffee.

Tea Fact #2: Herbal teas contain no tea!

That’s what makes them herbal, the fact that they are made from herbs and other things including dried fruit. They typically contain no caffeine, unless your tea is made with guarana or red bull and vodka.

Tea Fact #3: Drinking black tea with milk in it may reduce its potential health benefits.

Catechin is a compound found in black tea that is thought to help promote heart health. The casein proteins in animal milk bind to catechins, making them less potent.

Sometimes, you just need a cup of tea with cream and sugar in it, but if you can’t enjoy your tea without it, you’re missing out. A good tea can be just as complex as any wine and far more temperamental than coffee when it comes to brewing.

If your tea tastes bitter, you’re doing it wrong.