Fashion: I Think Your Dress Has Some . . .

One of our readers (otherwise known as Kristen’s mother) sent me a picture that I just couldn’t believe I missed. If you read Is it a Bird? A Plane? A Urine-Soaked Dress? No! It's Fashion!, it’s likely that you honed in on my favorite part which was the Maggy London dress that looks like the girl had a fun night out on the town and then conveniently pissed herself all the way to 2012 Fashion Week.

In case you blocked it out, allow me to remind you:

You can now proudly display your membership
in the “I’ve pissed my pants as an adult!” club. 

I’m wondering what the designers were thinking with this one. I mean, really? REALLY?

But OK. Fine. Let’s pretend we’re there at the meeting, watching. Maybe we can try and figure out the logic behind the choice.

I imagine the designers all sitting around a glass table, drinking Starbucks coffee, looking cool and sophisticated as they’re dressed in Micheal Kors and Dolce and Gabbana. They all have light-reflecting white teeth and every single one of them has done modeling at one point in their lives.

"Hello, ladies. Or hey, fuck it. 
Hello lads."

“So, I know what the new trend for the summer is going to be”, says Ryan casually. Ryan is the executive that got his job, not based on talent or fashion know-how, but because he is very pretty and is excellent at sleeping with gorgeous models and coercing them into participating in photo-shoots. 

You know Ryan is a cool dude because he is wearing sunglasses indoors. His hair is perfect, as if he just stepped out of a manga that was drawn lovingly by a 15 year-old girl with braces and acne.  (Miraculously, he is also straight and as such, has absolutely no concept of what looks flattering on women. This does not concern him, however. In his mind, the only good woman in the world is the one that cleans his house and that's only because she is mute. Oh, and she works for table scraps. Also, he can whistle for her like a dog.)

Everyone around the table perks up. If they can get ahead of the other designers, they all might have a chance at keeping their jobs in the fall.

Ryan stands and declares, “We need something. . .edgy. We need to push the limits.”

Ideas start flooding in.

Wanda: “80’s punk rock meets the jungle!”
“Too last season.”
Hannah: “Victorian England mixed with neon!”
*scoffs*
Dan: “Hobo-couture!”
*He is escorted out of the building and is executed gang –style in front of the nearest TJMaxx. *
Candice: “Rocky meets Rocky Horror Picture Show!”
“One more outburst like that, and I’m sending you all to design for Hot Topic.”

The staff is out of ideas. They sit, breathlessly waiting for Ryan’s big reveal.

“Accidents”, he says simply.

“Like. . .caution tape? Or loud, like sirens?”,  asks Hannah.

“No,” Ryan corrects her. “Like. . .embarrassing accidents.”

“Oh! So you mean like. . .when you rip your best pair of pants and you have to make them into cut-off jeans and then sew a designer label on the back so no one knows it was a DIY project?”

Ryan pounds his fist on the table with frustration. “I mean REAL ACCIDENTS. God, do I have to do everything myself?”

With a dramatic flair, he pulls a scarf off an easel and shows the team the Maggy London Spring/Summer 2012 line.

“I call it Accidental Accidents. Ok, we might need to work on the name but this design is a GUARANTEED success!”

Next up, you’ll see this dress available in the
classic “Brown Downtown” color combination. I can’t wait. 

I rushed out to buy the original in Urine Yellow but how will I ever sleep at night knowing I missed Crimson Catastrophe?

I didn't want to directly say, "lol, looks like this dress has some period on it ha ha ha right right?"

But, uh. . .Hey! Maggy London, if you're reading this. . . 
I think your dress has some period on it.

Is it a Bird? A Plane? A Urine-Soaked Dress? No! It's Fashion!

** Note: This blog has an addendum. Go here to read it.**

You know how I said I’d do that weekly fashion column of things I like? I lied.

I lied for two reasons. The first one is that I got punched in the face with classes this semester. The second reason is because sometimes fashion is fucking ugly.

When I think of Bergdorf Goodman, I think of classy, timeless apparel. I mean, you’re probably playing $2000 for half of a gown, so you better hope it’s timeless, right? Since I’ve been trying to change my look lately, I decided to take a peek at their blog and this is what I saw as the cutting edge of fashion this week:

*ahem.*

Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “What was the designer’s inspiration for making this piece?” Apparently Reed Krakoff’s inspiration was combining all the terrible parts about the 70’s into one completely unflattering pantsuit that costs more than my car. My personal opinion is that he was originally contracted to design camouflage for the military that would allow soldiers to blend in with any kind of animal, but then they realized that was a terrible fucking idea and they fired him, forcing him to plaster his prototypes all over an emaciated, androgynous model. The fashion world has never been the same since!

I realize that designers are supposed to be edgy. That is what supposedly puts them on the map. They’re supposed to reinvent the wheel and take risks, right? If you’re on the cutting edge of fashion, you’re the person making other people ask questions. So, I present you with this dress from Maggy London:

Also available in another thrilling color combination!

The question I just asked was, “Did that young woman just wet herself?”

The sad thing is, both of those items are available via department stores.  You can buy both of them and actually wear them around.  You could be the woman every other woman is taking about as you parade around in your urine-soaked yacht attire. You could be the woman causing heads to turn and then consequentially seizure as you hit nearby pedestrians with your newly-purchased urban camouflage.

Runway fashions, on the other hand, are supposed to be slightly terrifying. When that model comes walking down the runway, you’re looking to be surprised, scared, amazed, or confused. It’s kind of like a horror movie, in the way that many of the things that are draped on a coked-out 20 something and sent strolling down the runway at Fashion Week are, in fact, horrific.

Exhibit A: 10 Crosby Derek Lam

The surprise here isn’t that strange decorative egg is popping out of a book without pages. The surprise is that no matter how you dress it up, a full length flannel shroud gown will never look attractive. Just because someone thought it might look cute covering a couch does not make it OK to use as something to cover your body.

Personally, I can't imagine a garment that flatters the female form less than this atrocity. Or, at least, I couldn't.  That was before I  found out what Chanel has put out lately. See Exhibit B. 

Exhibit B: Chanel

Ok, so before you look at the picture, you need to consider the name “Chanel”. It SOUNDS classy, doesn’t it? It’s the name in fashion synonymous with grace, elegance, and timeless fashion.  They have lovely fragrances, watches, and gorgeous handbags that they put out years ago that you see regularly today.  

So after clicking through the runway collection for Chanel, imagine my surprise when I saw this:

Before I even comment on the clothing, can we pause for a moment to ask ourselves why they transformed their runway into the Fortress of Solitude? And, if that was actually what they were going for, why is their collection completely devoid of red and blue?

So, how about that terrycloth, eh? It practically bleeds “expensive luxury” all over the floor. Then, because it’s super absorbent, it mops it all up! If it’s good enough for the spa, it’s good enough for our million dollar fashion presentation, and it’s certainly good enough for you to wear out in public. (And spend all of your hard earned dollars on it. . .)

Nothing says elegant and flattering like the flat, shapeless lines of a bath towel, so in order to dress it up we added not one, but TWO watches which are probably the last bastions of elegance left in our entire collection!

Next time I visit the subject of fashion, hopefully it will be things that don't resemble your grandmother's curtains. 

Fashion Weekly: The Clutch

So you might have looked at the title of this post and instantly had one of two reactions:
Confusion and skepticism (You read my posts about Dungeons and Dragons, didn’t you?) 

OR 

Laughter and disbelief (You clearly know me in person).

Look, I get it. I’ll be the first one to admit that I am not the most fashionable of gals. I have a uniform. It’s jeans and a t-shirt and usually it’s paired with some kind of sweatshirt unless it’s 90 degrees outside. . . and EVEN THEN I am probably still wearing a hoodie. It isn’t that I don’t like nice things, it’s just that I’m not a fancy enough person to wear them. When I wake up in the morning and I’m faced with the world, all I want to do is crawl back in to the warm nest of blankets on top of, arguably, the most comfortable bed in the world. Instead, I crawl into the shower and then into the most comfortable clothing I can find which, amazingly enough, is always jeans and a t-shirt.

Occasionally, though, I have this impulse that says, “Dress up!” and when I do, I want to do it right. I just don’t really know how. I feel like I have a good eye for things that I like, but i have no idea why I like them.
Occasionally I find myself reading a fashion magazine or checking out an article online and my favorite ones are always when the author does comparisons between big name, expensive designers, and then the less expensive alternatives.What always makes me so angry is that none of those articles ever break down why something is awesome and why it was awarded page space in the magazine to begin with. I thought about it today and realized that since this is my blog about anything and everything, I could do a post like that every week. So, let’s get to it!

This week’s edition: The Clutch

Milly Ostrich Embossed Leather Clutch - $345.00

Why I love it: It comes in also blue, which is bright and pretty. I like the one pictured above because it could go with anything. I like the texture, the color, and the western looking stitching on the front. I feel like I could pair this with some boots and some jeans and it would be pretty fabulous. The metal screw-like accents on the corners and the clasp are shiny and they draw attention to something that would otherwise be fairly bland. Added bonus that isn’t pictured? This guy has a strap. This is basically a requirement for me since I hate holding things for longer than 10 seconds unless that thing is a baseball bat and you are a zombie, hell-bent on consuming my brainmeats.

Sadly, I don’t have $345.00 to put inside a wallet, and I certainly can’t spend that much on one.

What’s a girl to do?!
Alternative A:  Danielle Nicole Sway Clutch - $68
Small, cute, and it has the metal accents as well as the texture. The color is pretty close, although it doesn’t stand out the way the other one does. At $68, it’s a much better deal.  My issue with it is that I’m partial to the shiny silver details on the original and I need some kind of strap, otherwise I’ll lose this thing like 43 seconds after entering the bar. 
Alternative B:  Ostrich Print Clutch - Taupe - $29.99
Ok, so this might have been found at one of the sketchiest websites on the internet. This is such a designer knock-off that it doesn’t even have a designer listed. That said, it has a few things going for it: Metal accents, the ostrich texture, and the price. However, the color isn’t right and there still isn’t a strap. The description says it’s there but I’m skeptical.  How am I supposed to attach this bad boy to a piece of PVC pipe and swing it around like a mace without a strap? Fuck.  
The cheap price tag really shows here: Overly bright (read: probably plastic) metal, ugly stitching.
Alternative C:  Large Pleated Wristlet by Dooney and Bourke - $65
What?! A well known brand name for under $100?!
I finally found one with a strap, for a decent price and you know what? I hate it. Apparently what makes this particular piece for me really is the silver metal clasp. Go figure. It isn’t that this is bad. . .it’s just boring. The point of fashion is to make a statement and stand out, right? I think the point of this piece is to make sure everyone knows you stand out as the person in the room with absolutely nothing interesting to say.



Alternative D: MICHAEL Michael Kors 'Hamilton Large' Wallet - $148
Oh, Michael Kors. Why is everything you make so expensive? Why do I seem to like so many of your pieces? Why did you name your product line after yourself when you’re the designer and your name is always mentioned? I promise, no one is going forget which Michael made the classy, overpriced item they hold in their hands.
This wallet is fairly similar to the original object of my desire. It has a similar bright color, the silver metal accent, and it looks like it’s ready for my rough and tumble lifestyle (read: well made).I’m pretty sure I’ll look like a straight up baller when I roll up to the bar with my jeans, t-shirt, and this wallet.
The down sides: We’re still missing a strap and I really liked the trim on the original. If the price is going up, so do my standards. Sorry MK - you didn’t win the design style award on this particular piece. 




Conclusion:
I couldn’t find a satisfactory replacement that had a strap, the metal accents, and the attractive color. It seems as though this would be a good item to splurge on since there really isn’t anything comparable out there. I’ll start saving $5 a week, and then in a mere 69 weeks (Summer of 2013), I’ll finally have this season’s clutch. YES.

First Place: Milly Ostrich Embossed Leather Clutch - $345
Second Place: MICHAEL Michael Kors 'Hamilton Large' Wallet - $148
Third Place: Danielle Nicole Sway Clutch - $68