So I Hear You Want to Play Dungeons and Dragons

So, I can’t lie to anyone about it any longer. I play D&D.

 Dungeons and Dragons.

 It’s that game where you sit down with some friends that may or may not smell like 3 day old cheeseburgers (my group smells awesome, like fresh cheeseburgers), you get out your mechanical pencil, and you pretend to be a wizard. Or an elf! Or a wizard elf! Either way, you fight scary monsters and light shit on fire.

Fuck yeah. 

You’ve probably heard of D&D before. If you have, you’ll probably be in one of a few camps:

1.  You thought D&D was an acronym for something that involved bondage and underground fetish clubs.

I don't know where this came from. I don't want to know. 

Well, you were half right. Like any fantasy game, it’s not about the way your armor covers your character. It’s more about how the stats affect your score. This means that you can design the sexy cat-wizard-queen of your dreams in whatever leather fetish-wear you want. 

She won’t get a penalty to her mobility, either, so you can also pretend that she chases people around, beating the hell out of them with her Flail of Unquestionable Dominance. And yes, her cat-breasts do bounce up and down with each step. Make sure you roll play that part leaving no detail to the imagination.

2. You heard about D&D just once. Then you felt unclean and had to run to the bathroom to hold a socially awkward, glasses-bearing head inside a toilet bowl for at least 54 seconds while making grunting noises and beating your chest.

You may not have realized this, but those kids you made fun on in high school are forgiving. So forgiving, in fact, that they made and entire class and race that is playable just for you.  You’ll be playing a degenerate, drunken Orc Barbarian. The best part is that you don’t have to role play at all. You’re going to go to the tavern, get drunk, and start a fight. If people decide that they’re going to go into a dungeon, sit patiently while the adults talk and eventually run into scary monsters. Then you’ll get drunk and start a fight. It’s basically every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night for you in real life, so now it can be every Sunday night too. You might actually look forward to Sunday D&D nights more than the real bar fights because at least in the game you won’t lose any teeth.

3.  You always wanted to play but you were too ashamed to admit it to anyone. Maybe you were  invited to play once, but you were too scared to say yes. Instead you leveled comments about how it was “just too dorky” for you.

http://www.joystiq.com/

Ah, our lamb. Welcome to the flock. For you, beginner player, there is the rogue class. With this character, you can sneak right into a game and no one will see your awkwardness as you try to reconcile how awesome this role-playing game is with your preconceived notions. If you feel uncomfortable with role playing, the rogue is ready to disappear into the shadows at a moment’s notice, allowing you time to come to grips with the fact that you wasted so many of your years not playing this game. It’s ok. We understand.

I hope you recognized yourself in one of the categories below. If you did, I bet you’re pretty pumped to start bringing righteous fury to your unsuspecting foes. If you are, then you should check back again because I plan on telling you how you can start playing D&D soon. Like, SUPER soon. 

How to Change a Headlight Bulb

Step 1: Notice that your head light is out.

Awesome. It’s dark and you need to get home from school, but your headlight is out and you have NO IDEA where an auto parts store might be. You could use your smart phone to look it up, or you could just decide to go home and deal with it later. You choose the later.

Step 2: Buy a new bulb.

Of course your headlight bulb dies at the most inopportune time, right before you go on a trip. So you look up an auto parts store on the way to your destination. You made a detour and pick up your new headlight bulb.

Step 3: Change the bulb.

You drive a Honda, which means nothing can be simple when it comes to working on the car. The car’s manual tells you to unbolt something, for which you need a wrench. Then you can shove a bunch of stuff around so that you can actually get to the piece that holds the bulb in place. You also need the world’s smallest screwdriver to get to those pieces, as there is a bunch of shit under the hood, so space is at a premium. It also happens to be snowing while you are trying to do this so your hands are freezing.

Oh, and don’t forget you can’t actually touch the bulb because it “causes weak spots in the glass”. This can only mean that an accidental touch can cause the bulb to spontaneously explode at any point.

Step 4: Check to make sure your new bulb works.

It does, hooray! Pat yourself on the back that after a trip to the store for the properly sized screwdriver, the trip to the auto parts store for the $7 light bulb and 30 minutes of cursing Honda in the freezing cold, you actually changed a light bulb. Congratulations.

Hopefully the bulb doesn’t explode.

How to Suck Less at Online Dating

Having just moved to a new area, I don’t know anyone. ‘However shall I get to meet new people?’ I ask myself. An online dating site is the answer, of course.

I have been a member of okcupid since 2004, though I have never seriously used it for dating purposes. The only time I met anyone from the site was in college and they invited me to a party, so of course I went. Nothing ever happened, other than I made a new facebook friend.

Where I live now is a pretty rural area. The nearest city has a population of around 30,000 people. Coming from Baltimore, where I’ve lived for the last two years, 30,000 is nothing. It’s not a situation I am unfamiliar with, as I grew up in rural Southern Oregon, but I’ve enjoyed living in Baltimore. The night life, the busyness and the endless opportunities were something I came to enjoy. Moving to a much more rural area has been a little bit of a culture shock.

So I turned to okcupid. I figured it would be a good way to meet new people and at least find some entertainment. It might also take my mind of my ex, an added bonus! Needless to say, in a town of 30,000, the pickings were slim. I don’t feel like my standards for being interested in starting a conversation with someone online are all that high. A flattering picture or two, a profile without major grammatical errors and the ability to type full words. Is that really too much to ask for? Apparently. There were a few that made it past my rigorous first round of inspections though. I decided to be bold and send several of them a message. I thought “hey, these guys should be THRILLED that a female is taking the initiative and messaging THEM”.

I was somewhat disappointed by the responses I got. I was also not too thrilled about some of the first contact messages I received from other users. After a conversation with my bestie, I was convinced to share.

Ariana: we should compile a list of men's messages on our blog and then dissect them.

"What not to say"

me: lol, seriously.

HOW TO TALK TO A GIRL ONLINE

ASK QUESTIONS

DUH

Ariana: SHE IS A GIRL

SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT HERSELF

me: That makes me sounds like a self centered bitch but it's how you keep a conversation going.

You ask questions, they answer and then ask questions, you answer and then ask more questions.

If you don't ask questions, you just stare awkwardly at each other or, if it's online, you don't get a message back.

CONVERSATION OVER

Ariana: haha

me: *cue video game music*

Ariana: i heard the death music from super mario 3

me: I am now compiling info to use on an okcupid blog post. “How to suck less at online dating.”

okcupid user:

I'm tired of trying to come up with a good attention grabber sooo....

'ello there. I'm Aaron.. lol.

Ultimately, you couldn’t even bother to come up with something interesting to say, so you just told me you couldn’t come up with something interesting to say. This tells me that you are either lazy, or not very intelligent. Neither of these things might be true, but I have very little to base my opinion of you on. Thus, if you even get a response, I will be slightly sarcastic.

me: Hi Aaron, I'm Kristen.

I'll agree that it's always a pain to come up with something to say, when you are introducing yourself to someone out of the blue. I think that's why pick up lines were invented...but I'm not sure how well those really work.

So what is it about golf that you enjoy so much? I mean, I enjoy walking as a form of exercise, but stopping to hit a ball every so often would try my patience. Mini golf, on the other hand, is a sport I can get behind, as long as there are ridiculous courses involving pirates or some sort of jungle-like terrain.

Please note that my reference to this users liking for golf was taken from his profile. Thus, I have made it clear that I read his profile AND I have asked about something he is interested in. This is how you make conversation.

The following is a message I sent to a user. I was intrigued by their profile and so I took the initiative to message them.

me:

I never know how to start a conversation like this. It's like being a telemarketer and cold calling people; I could never do it. Anyway, I liked that you started your profile off with outing yourself as a gamer geek. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with my own geekery, but I'm working on it. I also have to admit that I liked your screen name; The Fifth Element is definitely one of my all time favorite movies.

While it was hard for me to come up with something to say, I made a comparison to something in hopes of being personable, instead of being lazy. I commented on something from the user’s profile that could potentially spark future conversation and then I complimented them on their choice of user name. Pretty basic stuff.

ok cupid user:

It will definitely cull a bit more to just get my geekness out right away, though i tested more as an average joe on the geek/nerd test.

I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what to say. I usually try to work with something in the profile. Like for you, i would have issued a challenge to your belching prowess and/or commended you for your favorite movie.

As for my screen name, i was at a loss so i went with something i liked. I've gotten a few nods for the reference so i think i choose wisely.

Thank you for asking me absolutely ZERO questions. We’ve really got a great conversation going now!

If a female takes the time to actually send you a message, it means she is interested. If you want to keep the conversation going, make sure you let her know that. At least this user gets kudos for letting me know they read my profile. I did actually send a response in the hopes of again trying to get a conversation going, but having nothing to go off of makes it far less likely that someone will respond.

The following message was sent to me. I do try to check out the profiles of the users who message me, unless I think it’s a generic line they use on everyone, at which point I delete the message.

okcupid user:

Hey what's up u seem pretty cool and ur really beautiful ;) I live right outside fruitland so maybe we can chill sometime

Ok, this user already violated my ‘being able to type full words’ expectation, but he made sure to include a location near to me so I did feel like he at least looked at my profile. I figured that I could at least return the favor.

From okcupid user’s profile:

My self-summary

Im very blunt at times, at times ill roll a blunt lol but i prefer a bowl. Im the kinda guy whod rather hit a bong than a bottle. I dont like bullshit, lies, or theives! And i dont believe in 'FWB' or no strings attached! If u dont have the strings then ur ass missed out on the whole picture! Those strings are what sew the fabric of love baby! Lmao its funny but true! Ah but i just wanna meet a girl whos just like me, honest down 2 earth trustworthy loyal funny and above all else 420 friendly! ;P

There went any chance of me responding to this user’s message. Grammatical errors, inability to type full words and a new addendum to my list of expectations, references to illegal drugs on an online profile. It’s like people who used to have marijuana pictures plastered all over their myspace pages. It’s just so god damn tacky. I don’t care if you use drugs, but that’s not really something you should be posting for all to see on the Internet and it’s not how you should introduce yourself, right off the bat. Either you are a complete idiot OR your main goal in life is to be high. Neither is something I am interested in.

What have we learned from all this?

1. If a female takes the time to send you a message, it means she is interested. Go big or go home, son.

2. Proper grammar is a must. Even if you are AWFUL at typing and spelling and using commas, it doesn’t matter. Online profiles are some one's first impression of you. Make a good first impression and have someone proofread your profile, otherwise you sound like a complete idiot.

3. References to illegal drug usage on public sites is always in poor form.

4. If some one's profile impresses you enough to actually send them a message, make sure you ask questions so you create the basis for an actual conversation. It’s hard enough to talk to people you don’t know, without having to struggle to find something to talk about. Be well versed in their profile and ask them about it. People really do love to talk about themselves and it’s a great way to get to know each other a little better.

Do be aware though, if all someone does is talk about themselves and never asks questions about you, they might actually be self centered.

Having a conversation doesn’t have to be hard. Just be a thoughtful and intelligent person and most importantly, be yourself!