Energy Drinks: Now with more Aortic Shrapnel!

Some days, you just wake up in need of a caffeine buzz. Maybe you didn’t sleep well because you had something on your mind. Maybe you thought a red eye flight was a good idea and you were seated next to a screaming baby, so instead of sleeping you contemplated ways to kill yourself and everyone around you. Maybe, on your way home from work last night, you were pulled over and mistaken for a bank robber and you were taken to the local jail and thrown in a cell with Richard “Rapey” McPerson and he kept you up allllllll night. You know, with his snoring.

Meth in the workplace could lead to some serious
boosts in productivity!

Whatever the reason, you are exhausted. You need some way to make up the energy you lost from not sleeping. Meth is always an option, though it is probably frowned upon as an energy source in the work environment. If hardcore drugs aren’t an option, then you might find yourself turning to caffeine.

My preferred method of caffeine ingestion is coffee, but I know many people who don’t like coffee. They don’t like the taste, which I will admit, it took me many years to acquire a taste for. Now I drink it black. Yeah, I’m hardcore like that. Yeah, it has nothing to do with this blog, but I just wanted you to know, so shut the fuck up, this is my blog post.

Ok, maybe she's not 16, but I still get points for the level of trashy here.

Anyway, if you don’t like the taste of coffee and you are in serious need of a caffeine high, what are your options? Soda? No. You want a SERIOUS amount 

of caffeine, not a pansy, “I’m having a coke” amount of caffeine.

Energy drinks. Yeah, that’s where I am going with all of this. When normal methods of caffeine just aren’t enough, you turn to energy drinks. Unless you are a 16 year old girl and you think having a can of Rockstar in one hand makes you look cool. IT DOESNT MAKE YOU LOOK COOL IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PRE-METH HEAD. “Yeah, I’m working on my trashy addictions at an early age.”

There are a variety of energy drinks out there, depending on your desired level of caffeine high.

Drink Name	mg of caffeine/fl. ounce	Caffeine Level
Bawls	6.7	one cup of coffee
Amp	8.93	one cup of coffee
Full Throttle	9	one cup of coffee
Monster	9.375	one cup of coffee
Red Bull	9.625	one cup of coffee
Rockstar	10	Starbucks frappuchino in a logo cup so everyone knows you are cool enough to buy coffee from Starbucks
No Name, formerly Cocaine	33.14	Rocket Fuel
5 Hour Energy	69.5	ENERGY OF THE SUN

I don't know who this Leon is, but I hope he
understands I like my burgers medium rare.

I’m going to get to my real point now. You might have noticed, through my well placed use of snide and/or sarcastic remarks, that I hate energy drinks. I think they are absolutely ridiculous. When I see teenagers walking down the street with giant cans of energy drink in their hands, I want to grab them by the ears and drag them to their homes and send them to their rooms. I realize that in my hate of energy drinks I have aged about 40 years, but I don’t care. I also realize, that as a coffee drinker, I might be a huge fucking hypocrite, but I still don’t care.

Watch out for aortic shrapnel! Someone could lose an eye.

Energy drinks are designed to give you energy in a time of need, when you are on low energy. If you are low on energy every day, then something is wrong. There is no section of the food pyramid for energy drinks, because they are NOT MEANT TO BE PART OF YOUR DAILY INTAKE OF FOOD.

You know, once upon a time, before I developed a caffeine tolerance, I would occasionally drink coffee just because it was humorous. I would buy a sugared up version of coffee and let the good times roll. I became extremely energetic and talked a mile a minute. It brought smiles to the faces of all around me, like when you get an 18 year old drunk for the first time.

Ultimately, I am a firm believer in the idea that energy drinks will make your heart explode. While that might be fun to watch, innocent bystanders could be hurt.

If you want to increase your energy level, try one of these helpful options:

Chicken puree, the foundation
of chicken nuggets. Yum.

1. Stop eating fast food. It's gross and completely empty as far as nutrients go. This means that, even though it's food, it's not really a good energy source for your body. Also, have you SEEN what that shit is made from?

2. Get off your lazy ass. Yeah. I said it. Exercise, while it burns up said energy, is also a great way to feel good and ENERGIZED. Weird, right? Do not use energy drinks to get you energized for a work out. Maybe if you were a professional athlete, but we all know you're not. So just get off your butt and go for a walk or something.

3. Eat fresh fruit. It's got like natural fruit sugars and stuff so it's easy for your body to turn that shit into energy. And you might even get a few vitamins into your system too!
4. Get into a normal sleep routine. I know it's hard, what with your weekend binge drinking and Thursday night D&D sessions that go until the wee hours of the morning, but just try. Being on a normal sleep schedule means you sleep better and feel more rested, thus, you feel less tired.
Those were my helpful hints for you! Hooray!
Did I mention I hate energy drinks?

Fashion Weekly: The Clutch

So you might have looked at the title of this post and instantly had one of two reactions:
Confusion and skepticism (You read my posts about Dungeons and Dragons, didn’t you?) 

OR 

Laughter and disbelief (You clearly know me in person).

Look, I get it. I’ll be the first one to admit that I am not the most fashionable of gals. I have a uniform. It’s jeans and a t-shirt and usually it’s paired with some kind of sweatshirt unless it’s 90 degrees outside. . . and EVEN THEN I am probably still wearing a hoodie. It isn’t that I don’t like nice things, it’s just that I’m not a fancy enough person to wear them. When I wake up in the morning and I’m faced with the world, all I want to do is crawl back in to the warm nest of blankets on top of, arguably, the most comfortable bed in the world. Instead, I crawl into the shower and then into the most comfortable clothing I can find which, amazingly enough, is always jeans and a t-shirt.

Occasionally, though, I have this impulse that says, “Dress up!” and when I do, I want to do it right. I just don’t really know how. I feel like I have a good eye for things that I like, but i have no idea why I like them.
Occasionally I find myself reading a fashion magazine or checking out an article online and my favorite ones are always when the author does comparisons between big name, expensive designers, and then the less expensive alternatives.What always makes me so angry is that none of those articles ever break down why something is awesome and why it was awarded page space in the magazine to begin with. I thought about it today and realized that since this is my blog about anything and everything, I could do a post like that every week. So, let’s get to it!

This week’s edition: The Clutch

Milly Ostrich Embossed Leather Clutch - $345.00

Why I love it: It comes in also blue, which is bright and pretty. I like the one pictured above because it could go with anything. I like the texture, the color, and the western looking stitching on the front. I feel like I could pair this with some boots and some jeans and it would be pretty fabulous. The metal screw-like accents on the corners and the clasp are shiny and they draw attention to something that would otherwise be fairly bland. Added bonus that isn’t pictured? This guy has a strap. This is basically a requirement for me since I hate holding things for longer than 10 seconds unless that thing is a baseball bat and you are a zombie, hell-bent on consuming my brainmeats.

Sadly, I don’t have $345.00 to put inside a wallet, and I certainly can’t spend that much on one.

What’s a girl to do?!
Alternative A:  Danielle Nicole Sway Clutch - $68
Small, cute, and it has the metal accents as well as the texture. The color is pretty close, although it doesn’t stand out the way the other one does. At $68, it’s a much better deal.  My issue with it is that I’m partial to the shiny silver details on the original and I need some kind of strap, otherwise I’ll lose this thing like 43 seconds after entering the bar. 
Alternative B:  Ostrich Print Clutch - Taupe - $29.99
Ok, so this might have been found at one of the sketchiest websites on the internet. This is such a designer knock-off that it doesn’t even have a designer listed. That said, it has a few things going for it: Metal accents, the ostrich texture, and the price. However, the color isn’t right and there still isn’t a strap. The description says it’s there but I’m skeptical.  How am I supposed to attach this bad boy to a piece of PVC pipe and swing it around like a mace without a strap? Fuck.  
The cheap price tag really shows here: Overly bright (read: probably plastic) metal, ugly stitching.
Alternative C:  Large Pleated Wristlet by Dooney and Bourke - $65
What?! A well known brand name for under $100?!
I finally found one with a strap, for a decent price and you know what? I hate it. Apparently what makes this particular piece for me really is the silver metal clasp. Go figure. It isn’t that this is bad. . .it’s just boring. The point of fashion is to make a statement and stand out, right? I think the point of this piece is to make sure everyone knows you stand out as the person in the room with absolutely nothing interesting to say.



Alternative D: MICHAEL Michael Kors 'Hamilton Large' Wallet - $148
Oh, Michael Kors. Why is everything you make so expensive? Why do I seem to like so many of your pieces? Why did you name your product line after yourself when you’re the designer and your name is always mentioned? I promise, no one is going forget which Michael made the classy, overpriced item they hold in their hands.
This wallet is fairly similar to the original object of my desire. It has a similar bright color, the silver metal accent, and it looks like it’s ready for my rough and tumble lifestyle (read: well made).I’m pretty sure I’ll look like a straight up baller when I roll up to the bar with my jeans, t-shirt, and this wallet.
The down sides: We’re still missing a strap and I really liked the trim on the original. If the price is going up, so do my standards. Sorry MK - you didn’t win the design style award on this particular piece. 




Conclusion:
I couldn’t find a satisfactory replacement that had a strap, the metal accents, and the attractive color. It seems as though this would be a good item to splurge on since there really isn’t anything comparable out there. I’ll start saving $5 a week, and then in a mere 69 weeks (Summer of 2013), I’ll finally have this season’s clutch. YES.

First Place: Milly Ostrich Embossed Leather Clutch - $345
Second Place: MICHAEL Michael Kors 'Hamilton Large' Wallet - $148
Third Place: Danielle Nicole Sway Clutch - $68

Chocolate Beer Cupcakes with Honey Spice Frosting and Cocoa Nibs

Recipe adapted from Dave Leiberman

This is a chocolate cake recipe that I have used for many years now. The originally recipe calls for sour cream....which I find completely and utterly disgusting. I also forgot that the recipe called for this, as it’s been a couple years since I last made it....so I didn’t have sour cream. Instead, I added an extra egg and was quite pleased with the result. Typically, this cake tends to be overly moist and crumbly. This was not so with my alteration and was a lot easier to work with.

Ingredients

• ¾  cup unsweetened cocoa, plus more for dusting finished cupcakes
• 1 ½  cups sugar
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• Pinch fine salt
• 1 tsp chili powder
• 2 tsp cinnamon

• 1 ½ cups of the beer of your choice
• 1 stick butter, melted
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 4 large eggs

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the cocoa, sugar, flour, baking soda, and salt.

In another medium mixing bowl, combine the stout, melted butter, and vanilla.
Beat in eggs, 1 at time.
Gradually mix the dry ingredients into the wet mixture.

Line a muffin tin with cupcake liners. Place approximately ⅓ cup of batter into each tin. Bake for about 10 minutes and then rotate the pans. Bake another 10 to 11 minutes until risen, nicely domed, and set in the middle but still soft and tender. Cool before turning out.

Frosting
The beer that I chose to use didn’t have as much chocolate flavor as I wanted, but the honey and spice notes were there. I decided that I wanted to emphasis that with my frosting, so I chose to make a honey spice frosting.
1 stick softened butter
2 ½ to 3 cups powdered sugar
2 tbls honey (I used a pepper honey, which I picked up from The Bee Folks)
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp chili powder
Cocoa nibs for garnish


Cream the butter and powdered sugar together, ½ cup of sugar at a time. When you reach the desired consistency, add cinnamon and chili powder. Frost cupcakes when cool and sprinkle with cocoa nibs.

The honey made the frosting extremely sweet, which was a good match for the less sweet cupcakes. The cupcakes themselves were dark and chocolately with a hint of the beer flavor. Had I used a darker beer (like the guiness or stout the recipe is typically used with), I might have been able to taste the beer a bit more. The spice in the frosting is subtle, but the honey and chili went well together, as the honey I used already had notes of spice in it. The cocoa nibs on top tied it all together with their dark chocolate, totally unsweet crunch.

I have a dream...

My cupcakes can only hope to be this adorable.
Image taken from Cakewrecks, made by Zoey Cakes of Baldwinsville, NY.

I have a dream. It’s true.

My dream is to make delicious baked goods. All the time.

It’s a simple dream, but it’s something I love to do.

Right now, I want to make cupcakes. So why don’t I go to the kitchen and make some god damn cupcakes right this second? Because these things take time. I don’t just buy a box of cake mix at my local box store and make that. No, I CREATE baked goods from scratch with exciting flavors and a little bit of experimentation. The kind of things I like to make take time. They take exploration of flavors and trips to specialty cooking stores. They take finding the right ingredients and ways to combine them into something awesome.

They also take actually having cupcake tins(ie. a muffin pan) in your possession....which I currently don’t have. With a quick trip to the store though, that will be remedied and I will be ready to make my next creation, involving THIS. I am so excited.

Dungeons and Motherfuckin' Dragons: Finding a Game Group

Oh hey! You’re back! After reading my first post, maybe you’ve decided that it’s time to give Dungeons and Dragons a shot because either you really want to stop showing up bruised and hung over to work every Monday or your parole officer suggested you find a hobby that keeps you close to home. Whatever the reason, that’s the first step! The second step is answering this awesome question:

Where the fuck do I find people who want to pretend to be gnomes and bards and shit?

 It’s actually surprisingly easy to find people who want to play an RPG but you have to be willing to admit to someone else on the planet that you’re ready to take the next step into the Dork Forest.

This is absolutely what I imagined my nights would be like when  I was in college. 

Step One: Ask your friends. They supposedly share interests with you or something.

I just blew your mind. You were probably just like, “WHOA HOMIE. WHOA. Say that again?! I barely even agreed to do this because it’s basically a one way ticket to spending my life alone and now you’re telling me to ask my friends if,  instead of going out drinking, they’d rather come over to my grandmother’s basement, drink copious amounts of Mountain Dew and pretend to be fantasy characters?”

Yo, dawg. Haven’t you ever heard of a thing called Facebook?! Look, I know it’s easy to assume that the only correct way to use Facebook is as a stalking tool and well. . .you’re still right. Did you know that you can leverage Facebook stalking to actually accomplish something? Yeah, I know it’s weird to think that Facebook has a practical application past looking at every single picture of your boyfriend with their exes and then analyzing their body language obsessively to determine if he still wants any of them (I’ve never done that, because that would be ridiculous. . .right?) but I promise, it IS possible.

This in no way resembles my Friday nights. Ok? 

When I type “dungeons and dragons” into the Facebook search bar and I see that I have 7 friends that like that interest, I know I have 7 people that will probably let me play with them if I bribe* them. (*My bribe may or may not involve an in-game roleplay encounter in which I agree that they can have relations with my sexy cat queen, Cleocatra.)
I’ve got a lot of dorky friends, though. Maybe you’re cooler than I am, and your friends do things like attend “networking events” and have a closet filled with “gala attire”. If so, I think you’re going to have to move to Step 2. 

Step Two: Find a public gaming event and, as a special bonus, you'll probably add at least 50 friends/followers to all your social media sites.

I'll pretend to be a feminist for a moment
 and pretend that women can be bullies too? 

Gaming stores aren’t super common, but you’re going to want to check out any store that sells specialty games, comic books, or specializes in trading cards. It’s likely that at least one person in one of those places will know where you can find a public gaming group or you’ll find out that they host a public event themselves. The plus side is that by going in to one of these places, you’ve officially entered a realm inhabited almost exclusively by nerds and they definitely won’t make fun of you for asking.  (Are you feeling a twinge of guilt, Orc Barbarian?) In fact, you’ll find that if you roll in there with a semi-social attitude (or breasts) and an interest in learning the game (or big breasts) you’ll have people practically begging to show you the ropes!

If you live in Maryland, you might be lucky enough to have a dedicated store like Games and Stuff  which has weekly open roleplaying events as well as a community board for finding game group partners. If you aren’t so lucky, then you’re probably going to have to rely on Step 3.

Step Three: Try not to get raped while looking for gaming partners.

Craigslist, man! There are some pretty spectacular specimens of scumminess floating around the internet and craigslist seems to be a magical beacon that attracts them all together. What I’m saying here is that you should really make sure that if you want to play Dungeons and Dragons instead of participate in a BDSM kink event, you should probably specify that when you reply to the advertisement. To the untrained eye, a lonely nerd looking for a gaming group can actually sound a lot like a sex proposition. Here's a local ad as an example:

Subject: RPG Game

Trying to get a group of people together for RPG RAUNCHY SEX CLUB FOR GRANDMOTHERS on a regular basis. Looking for Pasadena or surrounding area. I haven't played for years, but looking to start again I just got out of a long term (50 year) relationship and I want to experiment sexually. Can play in active group or start new. Can DM play the part of a saggy, blue-haired dominatrix but need to refresh on the new rules it’s been a long time since Prohibition and I’m really not sure how much alcohol you’ll need to imbibe before you look at my breasts and can pretend they’re cow udders as you act out some unspeakable fantasy. Looking for once a week or every other because that is when I see my Grandchildren. various times available (shift worker stripper). 

No age requirements, but please be mature enough not to mention this to your family because what we are going to do to each other probably isn’t legal. I can host at my house or we can find a location sleazy motel. Let me know if interested.

I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that meeting in a coffee shop is a great idea unless you want to show up and get saddled (literally) with a 78 year old woman who likes to ride around gullible young men or women inside of her one-bedroom apartment that she shares with 23 cats, all of which are named Mittens. (Some are also named Miz Mittenz and Lady Matilda Mittensworth.)

You have no idea what I'm capable of. 

If you emerge from these trials victorious and mostly unscathed, you’re in luck. The next time I write, we might even discuss beginning a campaign and rolling a character. I guess you’ll have to check it out!

Yeah, I'm spiteful like that.

Starbucks; definitely not locally owned and operated.
Image source here

This morning I went to Starbucks and got coffee. I’m not expecting you to throw a parade or anything.I drink a lot of coffee so a trip to Starbucks is not out of the ordinary.

But in truth, I hate Starbucks. Yeah, they started in Seattle and I’m from the Pacific Northwest so yay us, but I still hate them. They are a corporate chain and I would much rather go to a locally owned coffee shop that has real character. The problem is, that there aren’t that many locally owned coffee shops around. I mean, I have some in Baltimore that I go to, but out in Salisbury, the armpit of the Eastern Shore (which is really the armpit of the East Coast), I haven’t really seen one yet. Come to think of it, I haven’t even seen a Starbucks. Which is weird, because they are on every street corner. Maybe we just don’t have many corners in Salisbury. They decided to do away with them because they were too much of a temptation for prostitution and selling drugs. Or maybe nobody on the Eastern Shore drinks coffee. They don’t need to be awake because nothing really goes on out there.

So Starbucks. Sometimes, you just need some goddamn coffee. Sometimes, you wake up on your friend’s couch, after 13 hours of drinking beer and you just need some coffee before the hangover really sets in. Sometimes, you wake up on a couch in Little Italy and you want to go to a fancy Italian restaurant for some amazingly delicious and ridiculously expensive coffee, but no one is open because it’s 8:30 in the morning on a Sunday and normal people are at church or sleeping. Sometimes, you just need coffee so badly that you instead walk to Starbucks and buy a giant coffee to make you feel like a real person again. Sometimes.

Since I went to Starbucks with several people, we actually talked about coffee. One of them actually KNEW things about coffee. He ordered a dry cappuccino and it made me so happy. Not because I think cappuccinos are good or anything, but because specified how he liked his cappuccino. This might seem odd to you, but having been a barista, it is actually a big deal.

Once upon a time, when Borders was still in business, I worked at the Seattle’s Best Cafe inside the store. Hooray books and coffee, what a great combination! I love caffeinated literate people. They get shit done.

As a barista at Seattle’s Best Cafe, it drove me absolutely fucking crazy when people ordered things in what I deemed to be a stupid way. Because I want to break this blog post up and make it look like I am actually writing something interesting and important, I will make you a list of the things that drove me crazy.

Things that drove me crazy when people ordered coffee; a list.

Ordering a grande. Or a tall. Or a venti. Hello, please read the sign above the counter and tell me where you are. Is this Starbucks? No. So order a goddamn medium like a normal person and give me a tip.

This is NOT a macchiato.

Ordering a caramel macchiato. A real macchiato is espresso with a spoonful of milk foam on top. Starbucks took a caramel latte and gave it a new name so that idiots like you can pretend like you know something about coffee. So again, take a look at the sign above the counter and tell me if you’re at Starbucks. Oh, you’re not? Well order your damn caramel latte, give me a tip and go wait at the end of the counter. 

Trying to pay with a Starbucks gift card. No ma’am, I’m sorry I can’t take that. Why? Because it’s like trying to pay me with Canadian dollars. Yes, I know it’s worth something somewhere, it’s just not worth anything HERE. No, it’s not hilarious that you mixed the two places up because you are the 50th person to do it today and it wasn’t funny the first time.

Ordering a cappuccino. When you just order a cappuccino, I have to wonder what exactly you mean by that, so then I ask, wet or dry? When people give me a blank look, it makes me want to pour scalding espresso on them. A cappuccino is espresso with foam. If you like your cappuccino dry, it means all foam. If you like it wet, it means a mix of foam and milk. If you don’t know the difference between a wet and dry cappuccino, order a latte and give me a tip.

Setting books on the counter that you don’t actually want to buy. I know that it’s crazy that I want to make you pay for something that you put on the counter. It’s not like this is a retail store where these things are available for purchase. I know you are just here to pull books off the shelf, read them and then leave them on the table for someone else to clean up. Maybe you should try a library, I hear you can read everything there for free. Regardless, if it has a bar code and you set it on my counter at my register, I will try to make you pay for it. If you didn’t want to buy it, don’t put it on the counter at a register. Hold it in your hand or tell me that you don’t want to buy it.

Being rude. This is try for any interaction with people, but when you are nice to me, I want to be nice to you. When you’re rude to me, guess what? I don’t want to help you at all. If you have a problem with something, be nice. It’s a lot more likely that you’ll get you what you want. If there is something wrong with your drink, kindly let me know and I will make you a new one. If you are rude about it, I will wish horrible deaths upon you as I struggle to make your new beverage as poorly as possible with the milk that is closest to the expiration date and burned espresso. Yeah, I’m spiteful like that.

Whipped cream. Now, I actually liked getting to make drinks look fancy with whipped cream and garnishes, and I thought my caramel swirls looked pretty fantastic, but there are things you need to know when you order a drink with whipped cream. At Seattle’s Best, we are taught to leave a little room at the top of the cup. We then seal the rim with whipped cream and build up from there. This means that the whipped cream sits above the brim of your cup, usually by about an inch or so. THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN PUT A NORMAL HOT BEVERAGE CUP LID ON THIS SO PLEASE DON’T TRY. It will only end in tears and a huge mess for me to clean up. If you are in a hurry and need to put a lid on your beverage and cover up my beautiful garnishing skills, just get your drink without whipped cream.

Ask me about how the food is made. Guess what? None of that food is made on premise. It gets shipped here in boxes and lives in the giant freezer in the back until we pull it out and make it look edible. This is a corporate chain coffee shop, not a bakery. If you want freshly made pastries, go someplace else.

Ask me to reheat your coffee. Yes, hot coffee is delicious, but it doesn’t stay hot. I could be a millionaire if I invented coffee that never cooled off, but I haven’t yet. Your coffee will cool down eventually and then it’s time to man up or move on. Drink it cold or toss it out. Don’t ask me if I have a microwave, because I don’t. Even if I did, I would not reheat your coffee with it because that’s gross. Reheating coffee is on the same level as drinking instant coffee; if you do it, you are not a real coffee drinker. If you want more hot coffee, you have to fork over more cash and buy a refill. It’s like 50 goddamn cents for a refill of just straight coffee, so don’t be a cheap ass. Oh, speaking of cheap, don’t forget to tip me.

So not all of the things from this list are a direct cause of Starbucks taking over the coffee world,  but a lot of them are. Starbucks is not the end all, be all of coffee, ok people? Please just keep that in mind when you get coffee.

Oh yeah, and tip your barista, unless they really suck. There are enough Starbucks locations in the world that not everyone who works there is a good barista. In fact, I’ve had some pretty awful service....but that’s a story for another post.

Bank of America Sucks

Because this is our blog, we can feature guest bloggers sometimes, particularly when those guests have an angry rant about Bank of America. If you’d like to learn more about this guest contributor, click here.

This morning I got yet another email from Bank of America alerting me that there is suspicious activity on my card. They said I could review it online, but I'd have to call them if I ever wanted to see my money again.

Thinking of my poor money being held hostage in a dark vault (unlike Mitt Romney's money that enjoys the lovely views in the Cayman Islands) I decided I should leap into action. This being the third time they have held my money hostage this month, I now have the number saved in my phone as "Bank of America Sucks".

It really does. 

I took an hour or so to try and calm down first. I did not want to scream at the representative who answered about how wonderful this "service" is. This is the same service, after all, that failed to catch fraud on my card the one time it actually happened, but since then, has many times kept me standing at the front of a line while I wait to purchase a big ticket item. I am awarded the pleasure of watching the people behind me get more and more irritated as I wait to tell the Bank of America representative, "Yes, I am in possession of my card, and I would like to stop wasting everyone's time in this store. Please turn my card on kthxbi".

I tried my best to avoid sarcasm and snark, but when I'm irritated that is no easy task. The female representative I spoke to didn't seem to mind too much about my snark, and she kindly informed me they turned off my card because someone had tried to activate a World of Warcraft account in Europe.

Totes delighted, I explained, "Yes, I play World of Warcraft. Yes, I do play WoW on the European servers, and yes, I did, in fact, already tell this to someone else when they turned it off YESTERDAY for the exact same reason.”

She turned my card back on, and I then went on my merry way, being sure to make it rain on my ho (AKA . . .giving Ariana her payment for the car I purchased from her).

Can a brotha get a hell yeah?

My only hope is that they will do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And, if I’m very lucky, the day after that. Actually, I don't think my week will be complete unless my card is turned off, forcing me to wait on hold for however long they decide to keep me there just so I can tell them (again), "Yes, I do play WoW on the Euro servers." every day this week.

BROTIP: If you are ever forced to hold for Bank of America, imagine that whoever is going to answer the call has already looked up your account information, and they are simply waiting to pick up the phone until after they can stop laughing at your misfortune. You will be surprised at how calm this makes you, and how well the interaction goes after.

- DnA